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April 30, 2004
fuck the flag, they're shooting koalas!
scene: little billy and sarah clamber out of the outback rover with their parents on kangaroo island. billy and sarah, being naturally exuberant children, race around in circles for a bit, while mr. and mrs. rowe watch with smiles on their faces and their arms around one another's backs.
sarah: mommy, why is this place so denuded?
billy: oooo, you said the 'n' word...
mrs. rowe: you know we've talked about this, sa-put your shirt back on, you dirty whore!
billy: ooo someone's going to feel the firm back of daddy's hand...
mr. rowe: slap what? slap who? slap now?
off in the distance there is a loud crashing noise and as they turn to look in startlement, a tree a quarter mile away falls over. the long grass between them and the tree starts violently rustling and there are loud grunting noises getting closer.
mr. rowe: back in the car!
mrs. rowe: fly to me, children, to me!
billy: look, a bug!
sarah (as billy eats the bug, [she should have pigtails]): eeewwww.
the parents swoop up a child each (stick to genders). mr. rowe slaps billy across the face so the bug flies out. at this moment seven koalas crash into the clearing. they're all kind of scruffy and thin looking with red-rimmed eyes and wicked sharp claws. two of them try to snatch up the bug at once and engage in a full-on fight with wrist-slaps and tickles over it.
mrs. rowe: this is terrifying!
billy (blubbering): mm-mmm-myyy bbb-bbuuu-g!
mr. rowe: be a man! i'm a man! stinking koalas should be shot.
sarah: fuzzy! fuzzy!
billy: (struggling to get away from mr. rowe): give me back my bug, you damn stinking koalas!
billy kicks his father in the gut and is released. he runs over to the koalas, who abandon the bug, forget gum trees, and spit out pine needles in order to cram warm human flesh into their gaping maws. somehow then they should become zombies. because zombies are cool.
Posted by michele at 03:35 PM | Comments (1)
April 25, 2004
pucker up, cherry
there's something to be said for a festival where you can eat multiple shaved ices and something called takoyaki (which means fried octopus) but which contains no actual octopi. when realization strikes that you can understand the word nihonmachi, life also seems a little brighter and perhaps indicates that your years of taking japanese 1 over and over again are finally paying off. what i came away with primarily from this festival with, though, was a severe sunburn. ah, inferno, (thank you, jason).
some pictures here. taken with the good grace of jason having his digi with him and me quickly running out of film in my shutter camera. sadly though, we also quickly ran out of space on his film card and i had to keep deleting previously taken pictures. i'm pretty sure i've got some of cute little kids and taiko drummers on the other role though. which i will develop as soon as i get a chance.
the main reason i went to this festival (other than the obvious lure of shaved ices) was because i need to write a final paper for religion/culture class which incorporates first-hand experience of an asian religious festival. honestly, this cherry blossom nonsense didn't really cut it for me. if i knew who this dance group was and could prove they were doing a daoist spirit banishment ritual at one point during the performance, that might be ok. and then there's my theory on geishas, dance, and religion being semi buddy-buddy. not fulfilled by any sight seen today though. if i wanted to write about the number of buddhist boy scout troops in san francisco or an inquiry into why they had like 6 separate courts with queen, 1st princess, and other princesses than this festival would be, in a sense, my man. or, at least, my beatrice.
next weekend i'm going to go to a dance class/performance of indian temple dancing in berkeley. would anyone like to try that with me? it could be fun. i mean....it's free. and involves learning something new and possibly interesting and watching me flounder in an attempt to find something worthwhile to write a stupid paper about. this theory on devadasi (the female temple dancers) and prostitution is much better and actually founded on previous research done by others, so there's hope for me yet.
Posted by michele at 08:26 PM | Comments (3)
April 21, 2004
gastronomically
so far today i have received two extraordinarily religious closings by email. one was a forward which ended in "If you delete this, it's okay: God's Love Is Not Dependent On E-Mail." (i left the extremely delightful punctuation as written.) the other was an email which instead of "Sincerely," or something equally humdrum/professional said, "Yours in Christ,".
i am distressed by this 1) because WHY is god's love not based on email? and 2) *IN* christ? why would i want to be *IN* him? i could maybe understand/grasp the physiological possiblity of being with the email-dood in the worship of christ, or basking in the love of christ. but just inside his innards? that's just not ok. and also gross. do you ever think that maybe this world is just like god's colon or something and then i guess it would make sense. or not. and why the colon anyway? i don't know.
also these two emails contradict sort of. the love of christ that i'm supposed to be sharing with the second guy is dependent on the email he sent me, after all. without the email we never would have connected. and in that horrid jim carey movie where he plays god after morgan freeman steps down, JC (HAH!) gets all these prayers by email from the believing world. i'm just saying...well, ok i don't know what i'm saying because now i'm mostly just too delighted by jim carey's initials.
Posted by michele at 12:45 PM | Comments (5)
April 19, 2004
cherry blossom festival
is anyone interested in going to the japan center this coming sunday (4/25) to see the cherry blossom fesitval parade, eat tasty japanese food, and look at arts and crafts, costumes, martial arts, drummers, dancers?
more info here. or info about last year's (which is far more informative and with pictures).
the food and looking/buying is from 11am-5pm. the parade is from 1-3pm. there's some sort of live perfomance from 3-4pm.
(there's also a queen pageant!)
Posted by michele at 11:02 AM | Comments (2)
April 14, 2004
taskforce
quiet morning. wind whips a tattered sheet of fog thru the street. an asian tard galumphs to the corner, clutching a claw. he stabs the claw towards the ground and grins foolishly at the bit of paper caught between its tines. five more asain tards wander semi-purposefully up behind him. one of whom has a garbage bag to which the first tard triumphantly carries his bit of trash. six or so more orbit the group restlessly, all have claws, all are bent on one purpose--civic minded duty. not a piece of trash on clement street will be safe for asian tards are on patrol, and before the day is out no doubt the street will be spotless.
Posted by michele at 11:48 AM | Comments (4)
April 11, 2004
shorn
Posted by michele at 07:14 PM | Comments (6)
April 09, 2004
happy birthday, kim!
last year when i wrote you a happy birthday message, i told you we had to go skinny dipping in hawaii before you were another year older. we still haven't gone. i'm disappointed in us now. maybe we can go in the ozark lakes when we reach them while driving cross-country. hur hur hur.
so kimmy kim, i have known you since the sixth grade when you were a wee little midget girl with extremely long hair. once in middle school i remember going to a (i'm assuming it was a birthday) party at your old house in phill before you moved and we played with a ouija board. the main questions which were asked were, "on a scale of 1-10, how pretty am i?" and then someone would go in the bathroom and we'd ask, "how many fingers are they holding up?" so on the one hand we have vanity and on the other we have paranormal scientific research. i think we've managed to (somewhat) cast aside our adolescent image obsession, but you are still an amazing scientist and i am so happy for you to get to go to grad school in philadelphia. (also so happy for me to get to drive across the entire freaking continent with you to reach philadelphia. road trip!)
happy birthday!
Posted by michele at 10:17 AM | Comments (3)
it's baaaack!
they're bringing family guy back with 22 new episodes in 2005! because the dvds sold so well! this is brilliant!
(thanks to long-hai for initially informing me of this yesterday.)
Posted by michele at 10:15 AM | Comments (1)
April 08, 2004
peek-tures
the rest of the pictures from the sushi party are up. you will perhaps remember the one previously posted of jason in a shockingly pink shirt.
also up now are pictures from my birthday where we played a murder mystery game set in buttfuck egypt. i played two characters poorly, jason gave away all his secrets to anyone who would listen, and jacob died. it was all very traumatic, but great fun. and i want to belatedly thank everyone again for coming and give special thanks to dianna and jacob whose presents arrived post-party and made me so delighted i could barely speak, (books. from my wishlist. including the devil's dictionary (ha ha ha!) and confessions of a teenage drama queen which i adored and consequently went to the movie and was biased against it.) thank you thank you everybody!
p.s. nuala, that "grow your own boyfriend" you gave me. well he grew....deformed! one leg was incredibly short. and that was not the appendage i put in the deep fat frying pan either.
p.p.s. mmmm deep fat fried sushi....mmmm.....
Posted by michele at 06:44 PM | Comments (5)
April 07, 2004
worming
fattoush (baba ghanoush) has tapeworms. i am understandably distressed by this. and also, mostly, revolted. poor little bastard.
i looked it up online though, and apparently it is extremely difficult for humans to catch tapeworms from cats. which is good news, as i was well on my way to convincing myself that i had it. they can grow up to 20 inches in your intestines you know. and even though the human intestines are really, really long and 20 inches wouldn't take up that much room, still. still. i'd say it's probably a more serious problem in cats though. since they're smaller and all. plus there's the facts that bits of the segmented tapeworm parasitic grossness breaks off and exits thru the ass. where for a few brief shining moments (for it, not for me, or presumably fattus) it's still alive and wiggling before it changes color and dies.
and now i am off to buy de-worming medication. fun, fun happy day.
Posted by michele at 09:41 AM | Comments (1)
April 06, 2004
ark-ansas
what is this kind of heaven? a desire born out of casual query has become the overarching purpose of my life. to what point am i speaking? only the most scintillating amusement since time immemorial--the missouri state fair. not only is it in missouri, not only is it the preeminent affair of the state, but it is fair. fairer than all others. the fairest of the fair. if it had a magic mirror, oh it would beat out that pasty skinned girl with the juicy lips, oh yes. for within it's illustrious zones it contains a 'swine barn'. (under the midway). could life be any sweeter? it's like the first time you hold a ladybug in the palm of your hand and follow its erratic movements over your thumb and onto your other hand. is it something in their feet? a chemical of pure joy? i could not say. but this swine barn will be my epiphany. it will be like, just like, that ladybug crapping on me. oh rapture, oh bliss.
to my interrogative of whether we could attend the fair, the darling kim replied, "Is there even a question that we need to absolutely attend this event??!?!??!!" her excessive use of punctuation truly impressed on me how this stop will be the culminating event of our cross-country trip. and it's only the middle of the road! we'll still have plenty of time for me to buy a horse in kentucky in time for the derby in may. i may never come home again.
missouri, my sweet lady-land of mystery. how i will delight in your offal and filth. and it goes without saying that the prizes for largest pumpkin, zucchini, and squash will be an event i will watch with bated breath. perhaps they will even crown a missouri state fair queen. perhaps it will be the award-winning largest sow. perhaps we will then eat her for dinner.
Posted by michele at 02:26 PM | Comments (2)
the fireplace at rosings park
ardent admirer: darling michele, i can barely stand to spend time away from you. all my efforts at productive activity are wasted in sighs and longing for you. i stare at your picture, mesmerized by every detail, and i fear even to blink, afraid to miss even the smallest perfection. what do you do when away from me? tell me now, my love, do you pine for me as i do for you?
michele: on the contrary. i watched 6 hours of pride and prejudice and knitted a scarf. thru it all, i thought nothing of you, for you hardly weigh heavily on my mind. (light chortle) in fact, i think perhaps no thought beyond what dvd to watch next crosses my mind the vast majority of the time. although my latest fascination does own somewhat to amazement at my newly acquired knitting muscles. great bulbous lumps on the back of my hands between the pointer and middle fingers. entire hours can thus be taken up by watching my hands flex. it is both disgusting and highly enjoyable, as all great things in life should be. sadly you do not make the cut of that list, being yourself entirely disagreeable.
AA: (sob) if only i was mr. collins!
michele: oh no!, that would never do. for though he is disgusting, he is only enjoyable in the sense that he has some of the best lines in the whole script. but they are only completely delightful when you can mock them to all and sundry by the exaggerated rolling of eyes and smirk at the corners of the lips, where by rights the kiss should go. (concerned, but almost completely wrinkle-free, pout-frown), i wonder if perhaps the corner of the mouth has no room for a kiss when one is surrounded by such dullards all the time. does it dry up and wither like the conversation of the company one keeps? am i only to smirk?!
michele's inner dirty demon: perhaps one should substitute "conversation" with "penis". (smirk)
Posted by michele at 01:46 AM | Comments (0)
April 02, 2004
we'll go hand and hand, but we'll walk alone in fear. tell me! where do we go from here?
why the FUCK did i voluntarily change my schedule so that i would be at work at EIGHT AM on friday? it's like urine in my pants awful. this is a hideous hour of the morning. no one should be awake this early. what am i, mad? great, just great. lock me in the looney bin, swede. (that last bit isn't really apropos of nothing, it's a derivation of 'wax me, swede' which somehow i once got coaxed into saying by long-hai. it wasn't so much his gentle persuasion, of course, as my own desire to put together those two elements in a a thoroughly delightful sentence.) de-fucking-lightful. 8am, i loathe you. de-fucking-testable.
and i REALLY need the buffy musical soundtrack out of my head. OUT!
Posted by michele at 08:14 AM | Comments (9)