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March 28, 2006
How I spent Carolyn’s birthday party
Convincing Danny to get a monkey instead of a dog
This endeavor actually met with very little success unless you count me getting laughed at as a rousing win on the side of righteousness. But come on, let’s all be honest here and split our farts* how would having a monkey improve Danny’s life? I think the answers are immeasurable. But to name a few: a monkey could be trained to use the toilet. We train children, and monkeys are like small children. Dogs would have a harder time balancing on top of the toilet. Next, the monkey can be trained to hoard his poo and throw it at people that you don’t like. People this might include: anyone passing by, MySpace Tom (he’s not our friend), or a landlord (not Christine). Danny expressed some skepticism for how the monkey would be trained to fling his poo. Now personally I am relatively assured that the monkey would just naturally take to poo flinging and poo smearing as a logical progression of the entire bowel movement process. This is Darwin-esque, people. However, I also promised that I would be more than happy to come over and squat a bit and show the monkey how it’s done. Danny responded to this suggestion by falling off his chair and refusing to ever invite me over, never ever.
Claudine totally fell for the monkey idea. Admittedly she agreed to it before learning of the poo smearing campaign the monkey would soon be undertaking.
Convincing Carolyn to let me wear Octopod on my head
This was actually twice successful. Not bad for an evening. An evening where I can claim to have worn an octopus (or an octopussy) on my head is always a stellar event.
Discovering that Christine is now my default best friend in the Bay Area
Also apparently the Maverick to my Goose. She’s already set us up with “dates” for next Friday at the Two Gallants show. I could grow to like this boy-acquiring-and-sharing new best friend. Kristen never gave me a boy. Well, that’s not true. Kristen never gave me a boy I liked. I’m sort of convinced the boy Christine is giving me is gay though, so I might be dropping her best friend status to stabber in the back rank on Saturday morning.
Discussing my burgeoning life of crime trading chinchillas (legal) for ferrets (illegal) and cocaine (really illegal)
…Seriously, do you want some cocaine? Or pot candy? I can at least do pot candy.
* if you watched as much Japanese anime as me you’d recognize this as a reference. In Japan there’s a phrase which translates to “split our guts”. Which, rather than implying seppuku, actually means to speak openly/honestly. But if you change the pronunciation of one kanji it can change to “split our farts” which means nothing and also sounds disgusting. But possibly endearing if you’re an 11 year old anime girl trying to talk earnestly to your male counterpart.
Posted by michele at 12:58 AM | Comments (7)
March 25, 2006
keno playing pittsburg-ites
4 trailer trashy (3 obese, one skinny) individuals just came over and took away our chinchillas. i'm convinced they're going to breed them and make them into coats. also that they'll overfeed them and they'll die young. the myriad of ways i'm imagining the fuzzy little cuties dying right now is just overwhelming.
my horrified reaction to these people is predicated on their demeanor and comments while in our house. the favorite being when the fat man pointed at the pole across an arch and commented, "that pole should go from the ceiling to the floor, you know. that's how they do it on jerry."
was he seriously advocating that i start pole-dancing? that i turn my house into a strip club? i don't think so, fat man.
they play KENO, for fuck's sake. and they live in PITTSBURG.
Posted by michele at 02:12 PM | Comments (0)
March 23, 2006
linda linda linda
i just got back from seeing 'linda linda linda' at the kabuki in SF as part of the asian american film festival. this movie is about a high school girl band that is preparing for the school festival. there's love and betrayal and really not any betrayal, but you know, high school mini dramas. it's pretty adorable. it's also really interesting just as a very plain and simple look at the everyday (or at least 'everyday' for an all girl high school band in japan) lives of japanese teenagers. they go to the grocery store, the take the bus, boys tell them they love them in the equipment room, they make udon (not bukkake), they take baths--or at least this is inferred from the wet hair and towels around the shoulders. there's certainly no nudity. it's really a very innocent movie.
the thing i liked best about it was the way that emotions came across really clearly. my favorite scene occurs when the girls go across town to a studio to rehearse and the ex-boyfriend of one of them works there. the korean girl in the band who is slightly gauche and doesn't speak/understand much japanese asks the guy if he's the ex-boyfriend. there's like waves of embarrasment rolling off the girlfriend at this point and you totally feel them out in the audience. you can see the girl at the drum set just shaking with inaudible laughter too. it's brilliantly funny while being nerve-wrackingly awkward.
the story is also really interesting from a socio-political standpoint as one of the main characters is a korean exchange student at a japanese high school. the story is about her joining the band and being the vocalist and sort of learning japanese that way and gaining acceptance in the high school. of course, her korean-ness provides some interesting hilarity of miscommunication throughout the movie, but it also displays the current trend in japan to idolize korean culture. to understand this it helps if you know that during the war japan treated korea like its bitch and since the war they've basically ignored or looked down upon korea. but in recent years the younger generations have become korea-crazy and are just scarfing down the pop-stars and k-dramas (soap operas). there was this huge controversy, i think last year, over a japanese soap star kissing a korean soap star on some drama. and the two countries hosted the world cup together which didn't go swimmingly but, still, it was one more step towards a sort of semi-acceptance of each other's cultures.
my favorite korean thing about this movie is that during the festival the korean girl was in charge of a 'booth' at the festival highlighting japanese-korean cooperation. this entailed making a huge construction paper cow on the wall and labelling his various body parts. it was called 'beef darts' and the participants at the booth were given some darts to throw at the cow. the korean girl would then do this little clapping thing and name the body part in korean (on the cow there was the korean and japanese names for everything side by side). i made a little video to share this scene with all of you. and if you've read this far than you really deserve to watch the video and laugh at me.
you can buy the soundtrack to the movie! tempting! stupid linda song is still totally stuck in my head. (especially since candy just sent me the mp3 of the original by the blue hearts.) linda linda! linda linda lindaaaaaaaa!
Posted by michele at 01:12 AM | Comments (0)
March 22, 2006
citizen dog
after we saw citizen dog, christine, gene, and i sat around gene's apartment and squealed all over it in delight while kristen sat there with a polite face on wishing we would go away so she could finish watching aladdin. i said to gene at the time that the last good movie i had seen before citizen dog was about hemophages. this isn't saying much since the movies i saw in the interim were doogal, she's the man, and aquamarine.
but citizen dog is an amazing movie that not many people will ever get to see. unless they have the mad ebay skills and really care about ordering dvds from asia. the movie is from a thai director who did one previous work labelled a 'pad thai western'. citizen dog is about a guy who leaves his country home for the big city of bangkok, the cast of kooky characters he meets there, his various jobs, and the girl he falls in love with.
to give you an idea of the kind of movie this is, the kooky characters he meets include: his reincarnated grandmother as a gecko, a talking teddy bear who smokes like a chimney, an 8 year old girl who thinks she's thirty and plays shoot-em-up video games all day, a motorcycle-taxi ghost, and a guy whose OCD is to lick everything. the girl he falls in love with is reading a book with a white cover in a language she doesn't understand and becomes obsessed with collecting plastic bottles to the point where a gigantic plastic mountain grows in her front yard. it is a lovely setting for several touching moments in the film when the hero climbs the gleaming plastic mountain and surveys the whole city.
the official review of this movie on the SF asian american film festival page said it was a cross between amelie and chungking express which i found to be pretty true. one of my favorite parts of the film was the color schemes used to highlight different scenes. it's apparently called 'candy-coating' and is used to make different objects in a scene appear much brighter than they really are. another great thing was the narration which was generally tongue-in-cheek and just hilarious.
i'm planning to exercise my mad ebay skills and get this when it comes out on dvd, so if you ever want to see it you have only to appeal to my generous loaning side.
Posted by michele at 03:39 PM | Comments (0)
March 21, 2006
v for vendetta
this movie is about an idea. which is amazingly similar to what the first matrix movie was. thank god there's probably not going to be a sequel to V because now i can just treasure it instead of having it ruined like ice cream with the third installment. wachowski brothers, i salute you.
obviously V for vendetta is about revenge, hence the name, though his introduction the first time with the major alliteration will give you a whole new respect for the letter 'V'.* thus comes into play some major philosophical, literary, historical, and cinematic references to the idea of vengeance. there's macbeth, count of monte cristo, guy fawkes, lies, truth, love, hate, and the political ramifications of each. it's apropos of our current political climate. there's some stunning hitler/bush references. the terrorist attacks on london's underground were the reason behind the release date being pushed back--the movie itself is an exploration behind terrorism, in fact. and not just examining the causes but lauding them as just. the lies our governments tell us are exposed through the brush of an artist's stroke. a repeating refrain in the movie is, 'artists use lies to tell the truth, the government uses lies to cover up the truth.'
and v is an artist at heart. not that theoretically he has a heart as he himself claims to be an idea and no longer a man. natalie portman's voice over says she will remember the man and what he means to her over the idea, but even she states out loud immediately after his revolution that he was her father, her mother, her brother, her friend, and you and me and all of us. even dead people apparently. he wasn't a man, he was an idea. and the idea is amazing. this movie is amazing. it made me hurt and it made me angry.
would i die for the idea? would i have gone to parliament that day? to honor guy fawkes and remember, remember the fifth of november? i don't know. but i'd sure as hell like to think so.
* "V: This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-Ă -vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."
Posted by michele at 10:34 PM | Comments (4)
March 18, 2006
she's the man
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
i can't even write a legitimate review of this movie, i'm still so ashamed of having seen it. (but also secretly delighted).
Posted by michele at 11:23 AM | Comments (0)
doogal
was everyone else aware that this movie was for 3 year olds? i for some reason assumed that the acting talent in it--jimmy fallon, ian mckellan, jon stewart, whoopi goldberg, william h. macy--somehow made it ok for adults too. especially since the last one by the same people was for adults. but this was just sooooo not for me and so totally for little kids. some of the jokes/blatant homages were amusing. but for the most part it was just boring. because i'm not 3. and i could just WATCH lord of the rings. and not a stupid egotistacal dog-mop.
Posted by michele at 10:45 AM | Comments (0)
aquamarine
this movie is stupid. and yet it made me cry. twice. i am also stupid. splash probably also made me cry. stupid mermaid movies.
Posted by michele at 10:43 AM | Comments (0)
March 15, 2006
the terrible twos
tyler: michele has a vagina!
me: ...
ellie: that's right, tyler-bear, michele does have a vagina.
me: ... !
ellie: we're learning about penises and vaginas right now.
me: he's two!
tyler: boys stand up to pee, girls sit down.
me: two!
ellie: babies gone wild!
tyler: babies gone wild!
me: ok, when you say it, pull your shirt up.
ellie: (snort)
me: where's your belly, kid? show me your belly.
tyler: babies gone wild!
Posted by michele at 01:38 AM | Comments (10)
March 13, 2006
chinchillas
Posted by michele at 05:28 PM | Comments (6)
March 12, 2006
friends, i love the film festival season
it's now the time of the asian american film festival. wouldn't you like to see some films of japanese girl rockers, singing colma residents, dogs and horses? with me? come on, i'll be your friend!
movies i want to see:
citizen dog
where: castro theatre
when: march 17th (friday), 7pm
why: what better way to spend st. patty's day? well, getting drunk might be better, but we could do that afterwards.
who: gene, christine, and i
eve and the fire horse
where: kabuki 8
when: march 20th (monday), 7:30pm
why: i have a sneaking suspicion that it will be just as cute with the kids as millions. except with girls instead of boys and chinese instead of irish.
who: kristen and i
colma: the musical
where: kabuki 8
when: march 21 (tuesday), 9pm
why: um, hello, it's set in COLMA and they SING.
who: sean, jason, and i
linda linda linda
where: kabuki 8
when: march 22 (wednesday), 9:30pm
why: an all-girl japanese punk rock band. could i be more delighted? or in lust? i think not. especially considering the fact that they're HIGH SCHOOL girls.
who: candy, rachel, and i
Posted by michele at 02:16 PM | Comments (4)
March 11, 2006
the hills have eyes
what was i thinking?
jason and i went to see the hills have eyes tonight when really what we should have done was eat off our own arms. but i jest. maybe just moo cow's ear.
we saw it at the contra costa cinemas across from nob hill. which i haven't been to at night since i was in high school. it's literally teeming with young punks after the sun goes down. one kid came into our theatre, went immediately to the back door and let in 6 of his friends. this was like 10 minutes into the movie too. so impressive all around.
most amusing moment: when emilie de raven has a pillow fight with one of the mutants trying to rape her.
most disgusting amusing moment(s): when one of the mutants bites off the head of a lovebird and squishes the blood out of it into his mouth tied with when the same mutant drinks breast milk from vinessa shaw. oral fixation much?
interestingly, all those moments happened within a 5 minute time frame.
what this movie is trying to say: the dividing line between pacifism and murder is thin. beauty dies, but the beast lives. little red riding hood kills herself at the same time that she kills the wolf. all of which add up to what? innocence is dead and we're all to blame.
what this movie really says: i am crap. crap crap crappity crap.
Posted by michele at 11:45 PM | Comments (4)
March 09, 2006
mmm, breasts
i suppose that we all have our own particular niches to fill on cementhorizon. kristen lies beautifully, dianna's in school, sean analyzes sports, jason goes to mexico, robyn hugs hobbits. my role appears to be giving explicit details about the inner workings of my girly bits.
i went to john muir medical imaging lab today to get my chest looked at. lying there in the hospital gown that ties at the back, i waited, polite smile affixed, as they spread goopy stuff all over my right breast and attacked it with a sonic-imaging device. theoretically in this position one might be worried about the outcome or questioning their life choices. i was wondering what to do with my left hand (right arm went behind the head, but what to do with the left? what?), trying to stay awake (it was really warm in there and i was lying down), and contemplating the male equivalent of this procedure (balls).
what kind of hospital gown do boys get? do they get goopy stuff spread on them? does coughing come into the equation? why do we hear so much about the girl tests and nothing about the boy tests on CH? aren't any of you ever sick?
happily i'm not actually sick. nor is nuala. we are healthy breasted girls.
Posted by michele at 03:54 PM | Comments (7)
March 07, 2006
ultraviolet
after a week of excitement in portland everytime i saw a MAX train with a billboard on the side, or a preview on the TV, or a sexy bare midriff, i saw ultraviolet on saturday with gene.
WHO was aware that she was playing a VAMPIRE? or as kurt wimmer likes to label it, a hemophage. who was even aware that this wasn't a third sequel in the resident evil series? well, i was totally cognizant of the second, but the first came as an absolute surprise like an hour into the movie. well, maybe 45 minutes. the point is, there's these people with some disease running around and finally a good portion of the way in, someone comes out and calls another a vampire. a vampire for fuck's sake. were they trying to fool us into thinking it wasn't underworld in the previews? to what purpose? milla jovovich is way hotter than kate beckinsale. and there were no lycans in this movie. so scott speedman? right out. the love interest in ultraviolet would probably be the 12 year old boy named six. you might think this would make it right up my alley. and dammit you'd be right.
the evil force in ultraviolet was actually a health insurance company. or, by easy extension, any corporation that takes away the rights and liberties of the common man. and then tries to kill the entire human race in order to keep them under control. brilliant thinking.
that was sarcasm. no thought went into this movie. also, i would say, not much money judging by the writing, the plot, the special effects, and the really odd airbrushing of colors. except maybe that last cost a lot. to make anybody's skin look that perfect might take a lot of po-pro. or concealer and powder. who knows.
(small, ashamed voice) i still sort of liked it. milla is just way too sexy.
Posted by michele at 12:01 AM | Comments (1)
March 06, 2006
it's war
the raccoons have declared a full scale attack. they are now living underneath the house and actively trying to claw their way through the floor. apparently coming in the window is no longer good enough for them. there was much arguing and browbeating of the raccoon army peons by the captain last night in the form of high-pitched squealing--these raccoons totally believe in corporeal punishment. i am, as yet, unclear on what location in the house they will break through first. my suspicion is either the living room (perhaps they smell the ferrets and want to eat them first) or the guest bedroom (the weakest part of the floor as it's where the entrance to the crawlspace is located). we need to man these stations and prepare for the attack. those commie bastards aren't taking over my house on my watch.
thank god i'm house/dog-sitting in orinda this week. they'll just have to eat mom.
Posted by michele at 09:45 AM | Comments (0)
March 05, 2006
boxcar children
the bay bridge today was drowning. what is it with me, bridges and water lately? thank fuck i'm not a hemophage, because sometimes they can't cross running water.
i did two semi-bad things this weekend. the first was getting a little too drunk at christine's birthday party and wallowing in fabric softener smell. the second was throwing kristen's train cards back in her face when she tried to place her boxcars in a place i wanted to go. the second was by far the worst, though the first was more embarrassing. my insane card throwing behavior though was at least far overshadowed by gene's tantrum when he threw his chair to the ground. someone should get us an anger management book to share. of course, i'd probably just be yelling at him the whole time, "it's my turn! give me the book! my turn!"
Posted by michele at 07:37 PM | Comments (0)
March 03, 2006
pictures from portland
Posted by michele at 10:22 PM | Comments (7)
mexico gets hurt
possibly i flirted with the non-profit owner of the ben and jerry's in portland today. at least john tried to make me get his phone number. and he gave jason free tea. you might think he was flirting with jason due to that, but no it was me. he thought i wanted the tea. mostly i think he just liked me because i stole ice cream but then confessed and paid for it. considering that it was like $3, that did show a level of honesty that my klepto system is really not prepared for.
then james and i made a disgusting puppet show egged on by jason and his newest purchase from powells, opening mexico to democracy. or, it would have been a puppet show if i'd had a spare pair of socks in my bag. instead it was just me with my hands talking to one another and jason's hands flying right thru foreplay and just bumping uglies all over the place. mine went more like this:
democracy, the lover: "oh mexico, i'd really love to come and explore your rolling hills and gentle valleys."
mexico, the virgin: "and i'd love to have you, democracy. but i'm just afraid, you know? you're so new and different to me. and big. really, really big. i'm afraid it might hurt."
james: how did mexico really handle democracy?
jason: not well.
me: fucked her up the ass.
jason: hey!...well...yeah.
democracy, the fucker: "i'm sure we could find a back way for me to enter you, mexico. and no one will get hurt, i promise."
and now, a teaser:
Posted by michele at 12:29 AM | Comments (4)
March 01, 2006
you can take your forgiveness...
maybe it's something about hillsboro and god. today driving on highway 26 to hillsboro we spotted a truck with the following spraypainted on the rear end:
3 nails
+ 1 cross
------------
= 4 given
um, yes, hello christ. go back to hell where you belong and take your ridiculous lizard mascot with you.
no longer on the road, but actually in hillsboro, there doesn't seem to be much godliness. punks playing basketball and p.f. chang's, but no god. NO GOD.
god was in vernonia today though. or at least somebody graced me with the opportunity to curry a horse. yellow curry.
playing in the old logging mill in vernonia is just as much fun as i remember it being. my grandfather's house is nothing like what i remember though, seeing as how someone cut down the trees on the whole hill. NO GOD.
Posted by michele at 11:24 PM | Comments (0)