Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we
have a particularly interesting episode! michele is here to finally confess
something to a long-time friend of hers erica. So everyone please put your
hands together for michele!
Jerry: Okay, now michele you're here to talk
about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
You: jason.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well jason, is actually here
tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you
michele, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's
bring out... marina!
You: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere you pull out a bitch slap. marina
reaches for the hammock. Out of the shadows jacob appears.
jacob: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a
moment here. First tell us why you're here marina.
marina: Because I saw michele and jacob making
out at p-hill!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
jacob: That's a lie! I was home watching greg
the fucking bunny!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm
missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem marina?
marina: Because I've recently been taking part
in a sexual relationship with erica who has recently become engaged to jacob.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an
orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring erica
out here because michele had something that they needed to tell them anyway
about... jason that's right!
erica: (enters onto stage and saunters over
towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with jason! You
know I'm how I feel about jason!.
jacob: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask
me to marry you if you're in love with jason!
erica: Because I knew that I could never have
jason. But michele promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my
feelings!
jacob: What about respect for MY feelings!
marina walks suddenly across the stage,
embracing erica.
marina: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of
them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
jacob: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
jacob runs across the room and wraps their arms
around you tightly.
jacob: michele take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm
married...
The crowd does its bit.
jacob: Married?
You nod.
jacob: Who the hell are you married to?
When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to
jason.
erica: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry)
So...did you have a nice wedding night?
jason: (stepping back out onto center stage)
Well we had sex 29 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all
straight... michele is married to jason who erica has secretly been in love
with for years and years. Now erica has recently become engaged to jacob who
was recently spotted kissing michele in the p-hill. Now on top of this marina
has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with erica.
jason: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is
times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware
that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on
psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to
cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for
watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.