Categotry Archives: Movie Reviews

not perhaps as subversive as the last oh so brilliant disney movie, the emperor’s new groove. but still pretty damn sweet it in its own right. funny and cute and touching (maybe a little TOO sappy, but whatevs yo i am a sucka for the sap). and fucking stitch was so goddam cute and horrific at the same time. i mean….it was like watching ME in michele the mouth form running around eating things. so brilliant. highly recommended.

They honest to god blew up Baltimore�s football stadium with a fucking nuclear bomb in this movie. I was terrified. Other than that there isn�t much to say about this movie. Oh well there was one character named Clark, played by Liev Schreiber who had most of the good lines in the movie and was an assassin/reconnoitering spy for the US. Sadly he wasn�t in much of the movie. And I liked Morgan Freeman but of course he had to die in the nuclear bomb explosion. Ben Affleck is still a cutie patootie but I don�t know how much that says about his acting abilities. (hee. To be honest, he wasn�t bad.) And lastly this movie was verrrrra long. And I had already seen 2 movies in the theatre prior to this one so I was getting a little tired.

Bright colors. Flashy lights. Little to no substance. But did I like it? Of course I did. It wasn�t great but it was funny. And even this had a better plot than the Bourne Identity. And Matthew Lillard, whom I have never had much confidence in for acting ability (see Wing Commander in particular), was actually one of the best things about this movie. Go figure.

They removed the antagonist of the book from the movie. I was shocked. I mean I thought the book was stupid and incredibly full of trite phrases, but I had to admit that it still had a better plot than the movie. Mainly due to the fact that the movie followed no discernible plot and all the actions were completely unmotivated by reality. Why was the gov�t after him? No apparent reason. He did not get shot in the head so why did he have the wicked retharded memory loss? No real justification. All in all it was bewildering and unnecessarily complicated. And I was horrified (yes horrified) because Matt Damon is always seeming (to me) to be an actor who really, really is in it for the acting. The good scripts, plots, direction, etc. But in this he has deeply failed me. Then again All the Pretty Horses was pretty godawful too. (but then what do you expect from something billy bob thornton is involved in.) Admittedly however, MD looked fantastic. With the buffness and the sexy shirts and the kung fu kicking action. And Franka Potente is almost too adorable for words when she does that little tentative smiling thing with half her mouth before it blooms into this big smile that makes you smile back at her. Love that girl. Love her. (for those of you who liked Run Lola Run/Franka be sure to see The Princess and the Warrior because it is great and she is super sweet in it.)

Ahhhhhh!!!! It was so bad!! So very, very bad. Listening to the audio commentary with L.L. Cool J going, �Yeah. All right. Here comes the man. Yeah yeah yeah. All right.� Fake rapping. I wanted to spew. And the action sequences were so confined by their stupid roller-rink that it was a pity to watch them. And the acting. And the miserable failed attempt of a plot. All so tedious and hideous and upsetting me. And also Jason. Poor Jason. Who was forced to watch this. I am so sorry Mr. Shamai. So very sorry. I am the dirty whore next door.

Holy shit. The writing. The so obvious attempt to be a cult classic and skipping any effort to be mainstream. The absurdity of it all. I almost died. I swear I was squirming so hard with laughter and restrained hilarity and fright that at one point I actually fell off the couch at Kim�s house. With lines such as �I�ve had hairy man balls since I was 8.� And a graphic description by Xander, XANDER NO LESS, of himself receiving a blowjob this movie didn�t have to work too hard to make me fall desperately in love with it. The refusal of Kristen to see it hurts me deeply because I am so very much enamoured of it. But she�ll get over that someday. And then maybe she will appreciate its brilliant nuances too. Yes, brilliant nuances, Kim, Nuala, and Erica, yes.

This movie starts out with a bang. A punching out biscuits in the shape of the fishy thing with �Jesus� written inside bang. And it only gets better. Not to mention Jake Googly-moogly (not to be confused with Christina A-googly) is quite possibly the most adorable thing ever, and an incredible actor to boot. My fave rave thing about this movie is��perhaps when the Bubble boy strums out some heavy rock version of the Land of the Lost theme song. Or maybe when Fabio says, �Let�s move on to the buffet.� Possibly really it�s just his saying �buffet.� Gets me every time. Or the mom�s bedtime scary ass stories, such as: �and then Rapunzel left her plastic bubble and died. The end.� And �the Prince touched the filthy whore next door and died. The end.� I�m telling you. It�s good stuff. If you haven�t seen it, come to my house and make me watch it again. I won�t mind.