pessimist romantic

i just ate a sweetheart candy speaking heart thing. those things have more concise names, don’t they? anyway, it proclaimed, loudly and with feeling, “let’s read”.

when the hell did they become a ‘the more you know’ message? reading rainbow strikes again!

this has nothing to do with reading except along the sidelines. i’m getting another tattoo. why? i don’t know. my brother has an appointment which he can’t keep due to monetary issues, and i also have failing funds, but i’m sacrificing myself along the alter of exquisite yutaro-inflicted pain anyway. i shiver with anticipation.

i want to tell people what i’m getting tattooed, while at the same time i don’t like to talk about it. as i don’t like to talk about anything that’s personal. this might seem bizarre from someone who has cried on this fucking weblog before, but bear with me. but you’re going to see it eventually if you know me anyway, and also why am i getting something tattooed permie marker on my body if i’m too ’embarrassed’ (that’s not the right word. not at all. clingy secretism? those aren’t even real words.) to even talk about it?

so i’m getting an anklet, because i like ankles. but an anklet of words, since i only like to tattoo myself with words. maybe someday i will get over this. the words are two lines from a song by frank sinatra, ‘fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars’. not that i own any sinatra albums or have even been a huge fan. actually, this song was translated into japanese and used as the ending theme to evangelion which is where i first heard the melody and got the translated words stuck in my head. where they have been ever since.

it’s hard to explain this but i’m sure some of you will understand. sometimes, words just imprint themselves on every part of your anatomy and become a part of you. it’s a whisper that you can hear every time your brain settles down just a little; as a constant background rush of noise waiting to overwhelm you when you’re sleepy or sated. such it is for these words and me.

it’s nothing like getting an irritating song stuck in your head and being annoyed for hours or days, because it exists in an entirely different realm from something that buzzes like a trapped insect between the screen and window. it’s like if someone i didn’t know asked my name and i reached to call forth that information, it’s completely instinctual because my name defines me to me. these song lyrics, in a way, also defines me to me. somehow far below the surface veneer of civilization to something a lot more primal and a lot more..sensitive, i guess would be the right word.

it’s funny because taken in the whole <a href="“>this song is completely romantic, and though i am also completely romantic (as having a whole section of my genre divided and alphabatized library devoted to romance novels will attest to), i am mostly a huge pessimist with an outrageous streak of sarcasm.

to connect the sentence in the front i’m getting the chinese character for firefly, mostly because i love them and also because thematically it fits and partially also because of the joss whedon show. and if that isn’t pathetic along the lines of those people with the johnny depp and orlando bloom matching tattoos, i don’t know what is.

and all of this will be going down on the most romantic day of the year–valentine’s day. because, really what else do i have to do on such a day? besides eat ice cream with kim and watch absurd movies? yum and yum.