hawaii

hawaii was so much fun!

and while i was there i kept a journal because being away from the computer for so long and not having this stupid outlet for writing was driving me crazy. so i was thinking of transcribbling some of my journal entries into this entry in order to tell you all about all the things i did in hawaii. however, i have discovered that of course i am too lazy to do that. waaaay too lazy. so instead i will recount quickly what i did for you.

beach

sleep

eat

beach

read

sleep

eat

pool

driving

eating

viewing

driving

sleep

walking

lava

sleep

driving

beach

turtle friend

driving

sleep

beach

snorkel

turtle friend

beach

beach

beach

snorkel

snorkel

sleep

kayak

capsize

baby spinner dolphins

beach

eat

snorkel

fish attack

shop

sleep

beach

inflate hippo

shop

beach

sleep

read

beach

you get the gist of it. i made a list of all the beaches i went to. do you care? probably not. i will tell you one: stand and defecate. yes. that is the translation of the hawaiian name of one of the beaches i went to. i slept on it. hmm pooo….. there was a writing in white coral on the lava along the one highway that said “pee.” it was like it was placed there just for me. i was so pleased. i made a list of all my fave rave writings too. do you care about that? maybe. well ‘MORON’ was good. and ‘yummy’ and ‘bunny’ and ‘nice.’ also ‘heck.’

man now i want to transcribble. ok.

the first day we were there 9/7 i got to listen to some pseudo surfers (waves on the big island are tiny) talk about a surfing magazine:

“now THAT’S a wave, man.”

“look at that roll. and the crush!”

“and it’s so shallow there. over coral.”

“the height on that wave. it’s gotta be like 13 feet.”

“nah”

“yeah, man! the surfer is TALL. he’s gotta be 6 foot.”

“yeah, dude. which would make the wave over 13 feet!”

“and that barrel is HUGE.”

“You could….what could you put in there?”

“you could put a BUS in there man. it’s big enough to hold a BUS.”

“Nah…”

“yeah man! a bus! sheeeet!”

i sheeet you not.

9/11

i was tempted to write on the lava with the coral: “9/11 sucks hiney.”

…

we took the kayak back and the kona boy (kona boy’s kayak rentals) hit on us some talking about how we should call if we needed anything else.

KB: so where are you staying?

me: the bayclub resort. her parents have a timeshare there.

KB: wow. that’s nice. lucky.

me: yeah, it’s really nice.

KB: well if you guys need any other help while you’re on the island. come on by.

me: ok. thanks.

KB: like if you want any special tips or want to know where any secluded beaches are…give us a call.

me: how secluded? (getting into it.)

KB: gives you lots of privacy, you can do whatever you want.

me: even you?

KB: what?

me: i could even do you?

KB: what?

me: (false innocence) isn’t that what you were implying? that you would show us some “secluded” beaches and we could show you our naked bodies? monkey boy?

KB: (stammering hemming and hawing) i never meant that. exactly.

me: (unwrap my towel, currently the only article of clothing besides the bikini that i am wearing, and look up and down my body carefully) why not?

KB: ahhhh…..

me: fascinating. shall we just go around the corner there to your “private” fenced in side yard and do it?

KB: really?

me: kim, give me ten minutes.

kim: (impatient) 5?

me: you drive a hard bargain.

kim: you’re wasting your precious 5 minutes.

at least it was the kona boy that showered. buck teeth though. and scraggly. oh well. sex against a wall with a five minute time limit you can’t quibble over the non-salient details. at least now i don’t have to go look up deserted beaches with the man.

…

while we were kayaking i tried to get the dolphins to come closer by singing to them underwater. this endeavor was hampered by the fact that i had just seen divine secrets of the ya ya sisterhood on the plane trip and was thus humming the song they sing in there like 2ce, ‘i see the moon. and the moon sees me…blah blah.’ so i sang:

i see the moon

and the moon sees me

and the moon shows me the one i want to see

so dolphin come over here

come to me

so i can take your picture

one two three!

this invariably drew no dolphins. apparently they are not fans of the ashley judd-sandra bullock movie.

9/12

oh the hippo. the hideous monster of a hippo. pink, blue/green, purple. he’s a mad, mad hippo of a fella. once i had him (awful long eyelashes for a him) all blown up we decided to take him for a test drive in the ocean. HWEE! i fell off so many times and when i finally managed to be on top of him i was basically lying down with my legs spread all akimbo and probably looked like i was humping the hippo for all i was worth. kim tried to get in on the action by going for his belly. feeling somehow that a hippo sandwich sex escapade at the mauna kea beach resort was a good idea. i was laughing so hard and i had just wasted all lung power blowing up the hippo, so was consequently wheezing away while fornicating on blow-up beach toys. good times, good times.

9/13

heard on the radio a perversion of joan osborne’s ‘what if god was one of us’

what if god smokes cannabis?

do you think he rolls his own

up in heaven on His throne?

and when the saints go marching home

does god smoke out all alone?

i wish i had been writing thru the whole thing but sadly no. brill song though. brill. there was this whole thing about adam and eve and god planting the seeds in order to give them the munchies so they’d take the apple the snake was always offering.

some good pictures:

lava from kilauea. i was so close to 2000 degrees celsius heat. whoo. steamy.

place of refuge where the gay man told us to drive slower in the parking lot and the info center guy got all het up over kim eating a sandwich

turtle friend #1

waterfall by akake falls

look out! donkeys!

not admittedly in hawaii (in monterey) but kim and i.

kim and i in hawaii. with the not akake falls. the other one. uh….no idea what it’s called.