pre-judged, dismissed, un-trusted

yesterday at work we were having this worker meeting to organize the schedule and update our boss on what was going on in the office because she’s away at meetings a lot. the talking of the three of us was over and my boss was like:

“ok well that’s it then i guess. michele can you stay here for a minute?”

“sure.”

brief pause while katie leaves.

“michele, it’s gotten to the point where i have to say something because i find myself beginning to not trust you and i don’t want that. so i’m going to be upfront and speak my mind and lay it on the table.”

now at this point i’m like, aw shit. but i say, “ok.”

so she goes into this accusation that i haven’t been satisfying the dean with how i process this entertainment reimbursement and that i should have done it right the first time and it’s been 2 months and that is not acceptable. blah blah blah, right? and i’m sitting there getting more and more pissed. because 1)they never explained how SPECIFICALLY they wanted it done. and everytime the dean sent it back to me with these little scrawled notes which made no sense, but which i followed anyway and sent it back again. is it therefore MY fault that it takes her 2-3 weeks to send it back with more instructions? i mean maybe it’s partially my fault for not knowing by osmosis how to do it right the first time. but maybe if they’d explained it better or sent me to a class to learn how to do it better. but no, it’s always just throw things at michele and let her figure it out for herself. so i listen to this politely and basically agree sure it’s all my fault and that i should have known.

THEN. she says, “i’ve noticed that whenever i come around the corner you’re juggling between multiple screens on the desktop, and that makes me feel like i can’t trust you. i need you to be here doing your work. and if you need more work, you need to ask for it, or if you have nothing to do you need to tell us. what is it that you’re doing there when i come around the corner?”

i am stunned. i don’t take a lunch, i don’t take 15 minute breaks in the morning and afternoon. i do all of my work. i do everything they give me right away. i’m fast and efficient. i’m here from 8-4:45. and yeah i do a lot of other stuff on the internet too but not when i have actual work that really needs to be done.

so i tell her, “sometimes i have my personal email account open. but not all the time. and i’m not letting it interfere with my work.”

“well it just seems to have escalated recently that everytime i come around the corner you’re opening and closing windows and whoosh they’re there and gone and you know how badly we got burned with the last person who sat in your chair…so i don’t want to feel like i can’t trust you.”

let me explain. the last person who sat in my chair was fired for bad work ethics. she used to bury invoices. she processed all the payments wrong. never processed payments for my boss. was mean on the phone to everyone who called. screwed up payments on purpose. ruined relationships with several hotels. never ever ever could i be as bad as her. but will i ever manage to convince my boss that i’m not going to turn into her? hell no. will i ever be trusted? nope. are they now going to keep an eye on my computer all the time to see what i’m doing? probably. does katie have this problem? nope, because she is practically the daughter my boss never had, they’ve known each other for like 15 years.

and i am getting so fucking sick of this shit. if they’re not even going to give me a chance to do the work i can do and be all the time distrusting my efforts, what’s the fucking point? besides the fact that over 50% of the work i am currently doing for them was NOT in my job description, and i should be given a huge raise for the extra responsibilities they’ve pushed off onto me so katie can concentrate on this ONE project. but i don’t think i’ll be getting a raise. and at the rate this is going i am seriously beginning to doubt that i will even still be working here by summer when my 6 month probationary period is over. i think that fact that i don’t NEED this job has not occurred to them. and maybe if they keep picking on me at the rate of once a week or more i will just quit and fulfill all their expectations of me as someone not to be trusted. cause fuck if i care enough to stay and be subjected to rudeness. obviously i really am just not suited to entry level, underappreciated, administrative work. i REALLY need to find a job that i can enjoy one of these days. or at least a job where they’ll leave me the fuck alone as long as i’m doing thier work for them.

whine whine bitch bitch. enough of this.