december

today is my mom’s birthday. so first things first: happy birthday to my wonderful mother! big smiles and lots of love.

and now onto me being horribly depressing.

last december when we were going out for my mom’s bday dinner was the first time my dad fell down in a serious way. we went to tiki tom’s and were meeting my brother there and we dropped my dad off at the base of the ramp to the parking garage so he would just have to walk across the alley to the restaurant. and my mom and i went up to park the car. when we were walking back down the ramp we could see a whole bunch of people clustered around someone lying on the ground and i knew then. even so far away that we couldn’t really see. i knew. and i knew it was the beginning of the end. there was blood creeping down the street thru the crevices of the uneven paving job coming directly from the large gash in his head. we couldn’t move him till the ambulance came because they were worried about head trauma and damage. i had to run into the restaurant and pull my brother out. we went to the hospital and it was horrible. and the month just got worse.

i used to try to go over to my mom’s house every day if i could just to be there, even though there was generally nothing i could do. and every day driving over there i would be crying in preparation, hurriedly scrubbing my face once i arrive and taking deep breaths so i could go in and see my family and attempt to behave as if things were fine. as soon as i would get back in the car though i would be sobbing all the way home. and once i got there the composing of self would begin all over again so i could go in and pretend to erica and jacob that everything was fine. as the days went on the pressure on my chest to hold back tears all the time got worse and worse. and on the day that he died, kristen called on my parent’s line and i, not expecting it to be someone i really knew, answered it. and as soon as she said my name i started crying so violently that i had to hang up on her. and all the boys in the other room who had come over to reminisce, get drunk, and be supportive were very worried about me.

last month i was trying really hard, subconsciously i guess, to convince myself and everyone around me how excited i was about christmas and going to oregon and seeing the big family. but now that it’s dec 6, everything seems to be hitting me again. and although for the most part i’ve managed to move past the hazy fog of tears i lived in last december, it’s hard to convince myself not to be melancholic. so if progressively this month i seem more and more depressed and/or if sushi writing doesn’t have its usually panache-e flair, now you know why that might be.

i’m trying really hard for her birthday though. i’ve galvanized the troops. i’m picking up CPK for dinner. i have the present wrapped and ready. i’m taking her to see harry potter tomorrow. and everything is going to be fine. and i’m going to make it thru this month. and next year i’ll make it thru again. and you are not to be worried. or overly solicitious. because i hate that. although hearing kristen call herself my “postman of fun,” was pretty endearing.