as most of you know i am moving at the end of the month. back to my mom’s house. sigh. so anyway, i was there this weekend, cleaning my room in preperation for moving a bunch of crap back into it and i found a very old mix tape that kristen had made for me my freshman year of college. this tapes includes songs by mc hammer, paula abdul, and tom petty. songs such as ‘i want to sex you up’, ‘stand by me’, and ‘lollipop’. songs by the ever talented gene, kristen’s crazy aunt, and kristen herself as a wee sprout.
tiny kristen tot (TKT): old mcgrover had a farm e-i-e-i-o…
bob: what did old mcgrover have on his farm?
TKT: mmmmm….popcorn!
eydie: popcorn?
TKT: he eats popcorn!
bob: who else eats popcorn?
TKT: i eat popcorn!
eydie: you’ve never had popcorn.
TKT: popcorn!
bob: what else do you eat?
TKT: (long pause) crackers!
eydie: you do like crackers.
kristen’s crazy aunt: grr-row-row-row-row, won’t you run away? grr-row-row-row-row, this is mY feROcious daY!
you haven’t lived till you’ve heard tiny kristen tot pronounce the words ‘popcorn’, ‘toast’, and ‘spout’. i could feel my uterus clenching in desire just at her intonations. i wish i could build a time machine and go back to see tiny kristen tot in action.
So this is where Gene got that uterus-clenching idea! We were all so confused.
yeah…last wednesday kristen and i were talking about our ticking biological need to spawn and how occasionally the clenching uterus phenomenon is almost too much to handle. and how irritating it is.
Whoa! Do all women hit this point around 25? Stop it this instant! Pain! Labor! Did you know that ten centimeters is over four inches?
I do want to hear the tape, though. I’m curious what the feROcious melody sounds like.
it’s not something i seem to have any control over. intellectually i don’t want kids. but my body is viciously betraying me. it’s an interesting experience but not one that i necessarily enjoy.
i’ll have to sing it for you sometime. only the chorus though. i don’t know the rest.
Now, granted, I’m not 25 yet. However, I am perfectly able to think about drool and diapers and barf and ear-splitting screaming, and just thinking about it makes me want to sleep 3 feet away from Jacob just in case. Children are only allowed in my universe at a distance of at least 10 feet away and even then only when they’re over the age of 4. Children in any other state should be experienced as photographs only.
All of you spawners, please keep these rules in mind as you enter your spawning years and continue to have me as an acquaintance.
popcorn. what’d you say, hammer? popcorn. rap is not pop if you call it that and stop (the microwave halfway through).
I’m pretty sure Gene said “crunching uterus,” not “clenching,” but maybe I misheard.
And I want to hear that lil’ kristen tape.
And don’t have children.
i got to hear the tape again last night and now i just want to give birth to myself.
her rendition of ‘yankee doodle dandy’ and the uptilt on the word ‘macaroni’ is also pretty precious.