a hectic but ultimately satisfying evening (there was pie)

winner: kentucky

1st runner up: california

2nd runner up: georgia

3rd runner up: ohio

4th runner up: florida

tonight was the miss usa pageant. an event which i find to be both fantastic and dreaded. fantastic because you’re betting on beauty queens and calling them horrific names and dreaded because, well, have you seen a beauty queen lately? did she have all her ribs or her original breasts? no. she really didn’t. honey, eat some pure lard. please.

this year was a great triumph for marina. a triumph at least in terms of winning. but it was her method of winning which caused great doubt to be cast on the overall success. first of all she had a spreadsheet. but more importantly, she had an intern who helped create the spreadsheet. no one else had a lackey. hell, i don’t even have a job. and jason IS an intern, so you can see how he would have some issues with the subservient labor-ness of it all.

on the other hand, i had 4 in the top 5 to marina’s 5 out of 5, so i’m not really complaining. obviously all those hours of not having a job and surfing missusa.com really paid off. erica, interestingly had the same 4 as me. but she wasn’t physically present at christine’s so it didn’t count. suck it, erica, just suck it.

of course, the most important prize in my win was not making erica suck it, but being given jolie’s left-over seseame beef. jolie, you are my hero. i only could have been happier if i’d been in pajamas, instead of a bridesmaid’s dress, like carolyn. oh carolyn, ye of the wise, wise dressing. i performed stunt driving when i left as i desperately tried to undo my bra and rip it off. because i have all my ribs still and that underwire was crushing them. cursed dress-up clothing.

ilka called kentucky as the winner at the very beginning but foolishly hadn’t managed to put her on his list, so he had to berate himself all evening. matt kept hoping that new york would make a comeback. i’m sure if she had just pulled her weave out of the way and pushed the play button she could have hyper-drived right out of her paused bottom 36 position. jason managed to rank his last 2 choices in the right order and so technically did sort of win, but happily we went with the most winners in the top 5 approach this time and i graciously re-accepted the tiara which was already nestled in my upswept ‘do.

at the end, i finally remembered that i brought my camera and we made ilka take pictures of us. he gamely snapped away as we attempted to stop laughing at our mimicry of the final, super tense, moment of miss usa 2006 where california pulled kentucky into this strangly erotic position and held her there. she probably knew she wasn’t going to win and wanted to cop a feel while she had the chance. more power to you, california. respect.

and peace out.