the last time i house/dog-sat for ellie, the raccoons were trying to burrow their way through our floor and into the house. on sunday, before i left for ellie’s to sit for the week, they were gushing blood all over the garage.
i walked out into the garage sunday morning to offer up mushy food to sammy/simon, setiva, simeon, and punk/jesus christ/j.c. (having already given it to moo cow in the kitchen and fats waller at the back door). immediately upon stepping down the stairs into the garage i slipped in a puddle of blood and cracked my head. raccoons then ate my body. ok no. but i did shriek. there were bloody raccoon paw prints all over the carpet in the garage and a beetle sized swimming pool of blood by the side door. as well as just smeared blood all over the place on carpet, concrete, and the latch that holds the cupboard door closed where the dry cat food is kept.
did they get in a fight and throw familial love to the winds? did they cut their paws on the latch somehow? it’s a rectangular piece of wood and not all that sharp, it doesn’t seem that likely. did one bite into the other’s jugular when crawling through the cat door? this would explain the pool of undried blood at the door.
at first i was worried the raccoons had attacked a cat and we had a dead cat on our hands somewhere. but i accounted for all the cats. the raccoons, on the other hand, could be dying slowly underneath the house and i’m too afriad to enter the crawl space and check. there’s a secret trap-door to the underpinnings of the house in the guest bedroom closet. but lowering yourself down amongst the foundations is fucking scary. something could rip off your leg when you’re half in and half out. i’m not willing to risk that.
so, once again, thank god i’m safely at ellie’s for the week. admittedly, being here comes with its own set of fears. on which i will elaborate tomorrow after a fitful night’s rest.
You don’t feed the racoons too? At this rate you will never become a crazy lady! Check out the scene from Grey Gardens where crazy-ass Little Edie feeds the racoons a few loaves of wonder bread and a box of cat chow. Just dumps it on the floor of the attic of her mansion. That may just be the inspiration you need.
oh, my foolish friend. of course, i feed the raccoons. i feed them cat food all the time. i feel bad for them as i feel bad for all fuzzy animals who i think are hungry. my mom is the one who denies them food. and i am the one that denies them the nursing which might save them from death as they bleed out under the house.
i say that, but i don’t really think any of them are dying. it wasn’t that much blood. not really. ok, it was a lot of blood. but not THAT much blood. fuck, i’m going to have to enter the crawspace.
Eww. Gross. I would have squealed for 5 min and then called someone to go into the crawl space. I never ever would go myself. You are brave.
Did I ever tell you my uncle’s story about the racoon. Parts of it are hilarious. Parts are sad, but overall it’s about a man and his battle with nature encroaching on his “civilized” space….good times for all involved.
It’s all fun and games until the raccoons kill a small child and hide it in the crawl space under your house. Then it’s all “Dear God, whYYYY!?!?!!!”
Have you gone into the crawl space yet? If you haven’t by Sunday night, I’m an old pro at the crawl space and will check for you.
i totally forgot to go in it last night when i was there. i’ll go tomorrow during the day and report back. i’m sure you’re all very interested. thanks for offering though, christine. very brave of you.
oh, and nuala, you should blog about your uncle and his raccoon story. we need more of a raccoon presence on CH. seriously.
I just fed the racoons a can of salmon I would not eat. Am I a bad dog?