last weekend was miss america. if you were unaware of this marvel, then i pity you.
a delightful mass of people packed my reconfigured living room to watch and harass the tv screen. the interesting thing (and not apparent by winner choice) of this year’s miss america was the promise that it would be updated and modernized. to this end, they had a 4 episode reality show where they made all 52 contestants live together for a month and had challenges (like trivia quiz, national song knowledge contest, and balance beam/water barrel filling tag-team race).
what i learned from the reality show:
1. Pennsylvania didn’t know her state flag by sight
2. Washington didn’t know all the lines in the Star Spangled Banner but did have a mom, a step-dad, a dad, and a step-dad.
3. Vermont also believed in gay marriage
4. Rhode Island’s new haircut was hot but her brain was not
5. District of Columbia dad’s was addicted to crack-cocaine
6. Nebraska was MUCH cuter with brown hair
7. Florida’s face was blown off in an explosion
8. Michigan was utterly unremarkable but sang ‘somewhere over the rainbow’ for her talent and probably won for this unmodernity and behind the scenes politics
miss michigan/miss america 2008 in her non-modern evening gown
luckily i made cupcakes, little sausages, and had kittens. these things saw us through the tough times even though washington (2nd runner up–stuck in asian third place as always) should have won. or texas (1st runner up).
the one “modern” part of the pageant this year was that the Q&A section was done by people on the street. favorite question was by a bitter, middle-aged man in glasses who asked, “if your fiancee has an STD is she obligated to tell you?”
this was genius on so many levels. not least of which was that some people misheard “beyonce” for “fiancee”.
(title contributed unknowingly by matt’s gmail status quote)
dude, I love this imagery right here. love it. one thing you might want to clarify: florida’s face explosion did not happen onscreen. it wasn’t THAT modernized.
eh, now you’ve clarified it for me. but yes, people, don’t get excited for gore on miss america. it happened when she was much younger.
i added a picture of michigan in her evening gown now too. man, that shit was sparkly.
I declare that you were not paying attention to the show! (or maybe you were so shocked by Miss Michigan’s come-from-WAY-behind win that it erased your memory.) Miss Texas did not win First Runner Up. It was Miss Indiana. My favorites Miss California and Miss Texas did not place.
What kind of world are we living in when showing the talent “Character Jazz en Pointe” does not GUARANTEE you a title?! Not a world I want to live in, Miss Texas!
By the way, I want to go on record that I personally believe that if you get an STD while in the Iraq, or South Africa, such as, you should track down Beyonce and notify her.
ha ha ha!!! goddamn, you are so right. but texas had the BEST Q&A answer and that character jazz en pointe was GENIUS. i just wish she was first runner up.
Ah Texas, you was robbed. Robbed!
You know, for all the bells and whistles this year, I felt like the meat of the contest was gone. It was all humiliation and carbs, none of the faux-elegance of previous years. Where’s the beef, Ms. A?
no beef. but the gay dude will give you a donut.