bereft

this week my sole remaining grandparent died. that’s kind of depressing. i mean, originally you’ve got 4 of them which is pretty exciting. there’s love, and presents, and shirts that say, ‘i *heart* my grandma!’ but then they start dying off and you’re like, ‘hey wait a second what’s up with this shit?’ even at the age of 2 i managed to say that. actually i have no idea how old i was when my first grandfather died. i might not even have been born yet which means i would have been at a serious disadvantage coming into the world with only 3 grands. which admittedly will also be the case for any children i might have, assuming whoever i have them with has his/her full quotient.

my first grandmother died when i was in 7th grade. i remember this accurately because i was in mr. spo’s class at valley view when my mom came to take me home. i loved this grandmother. she was my mom’s mom. but you know what i did when i found out? i cried. but not from sadness. i was PISSED. because it was october and almost kristen’s birthday and i had planned this huge surprise party and now i was going to miss it. and at the funeral i watched john cry and handed him kleenex in consternation. there was no point in being sad i felt since obviously nana had been very sick and in a lot of pain and she was much better off now. then i ate these really tasty rolls which were slightly doughy and drenched in butter.

the summer after i graduated college i was driving down to my aunt’s house to spend the night before going all the way home to california and when i pulled up in her driveway my mom came out of the house. this was startling because she wasn’t supposed to be there. and she came to my door and i was convinced something terrible had happened to adam or my dad or one of my cats or aunt mary or john or james. so i was surprised when in fact what had happened was that my second grandfather had died and we then had to stay in oregon for a month cleaning his house. at first it was kind of fun because everyone was there and one of my uncles got married the week after the funeral. but then it dragged on and on and there was just more paper and more dust and i wanted to leave so bad. it was sad too, of course because i was a little older and understood more what was lost. but again the man was old and didn’t even have his own stomach anymore.

so now this week the last grandmother has died. she’s been living in pennsylvania all my life and i’ve been living in california. so i’ve seen her very infrequently. you could say that my caring level about most of my dad’s side of the family is very low since for the most part i don’t know any of them. i know like maybe three or 4 of his brothers and sisters. (there’s 10 of them.) and i know maybe 6 of the first cousins well enough to talk to. (there’s like 150 cousins total. including the second and third generations and great aunt and uncles’ offsprings.) so when my mom told me that she had died, i was basically unconcerned. it’s not going to affect my life in any way whatsoever after all. but then about an hour later the realization struck that now i am grandparentless. and that is a little harder to reconcile with.

we sent adam off as an emissary to the funeral. it assuages family feeling without my mom and i actually having to attend. which works out quite perfectly for us. plus, adam wanted to go. he knows a lot more of that family than i do. and will get to hang out in philadelphia with our cousin dj predominantly. plus mom paid for his ticket and gave him cash to play with.

she also gave me cash to play with as a balancing gesture. i really didn’t deserve it but who am i complain. now i can live it up in SB with the girlies this weekend. this would work better if i hadn’t already spent $50 of it on anime last night. at least i restrained from purchasing a taiwanese drama’s first season for $110. i don’t know how long i can hold out though. i REALLY want it. it’s based off this anime show called hana yori dango (boys before flowers) which i do own and is very entertaining. if you’re me. which i am.

just so we’re clear. yes, i am aware that this post started out being maudlin and about dead grandparents and then ended up being about anime and horrible asian tv shows. but this is me we’re dealing with. and this is what i am.