michele

fattoush (baba ghanoush) has tapeworms. i am understandably distressed by this. and also, mostly, revolted. poor little bastard.

i looked it up online though, and apparently it is extremely difficult for humans to catch tapeworms from cats. which is good news, as i was well on my way to convincing myself that i had it. they can grow up to 20 inches in your intestines you know. and even though the human intestines are really, really long and 20 inches wouldn’t take up that much room, still. still. i’d say it’s probably a more serious problem in cats though. since they’re smaller and all. plus there’s the facts that bits of the segmented tapeworm parasitic grossness breaks off and exits thru the ass. where for a few brief shining moments (for it, not for me, or presumably fattus) it’s still alive and wiggling before it changes color and dies.

and now i am off to buy de-worming medication. fun, fun happy day.

what is this kind of heaven? a desire born out of casual query has become the overarching purpose of my life. to what point am i speaking? only the most scintillating amusement since time immemorial–the missouri state fair. not only is it in missouri, not only is it the preeminent affair of the state, but it is fair. fairer than all others. the fairest of the fair. if it had a magic mirror, oh it would beat out that pasty skinned girl with the juicy lips, oh yes. for within it’s illustrious zones it contains a ‘swine barn’. (under the midway). could life be any sweeter? it’s like the first time you hold a ladybug in the palm of your hand and follow its erratic movements over your thumb and onto your other hand. is it something in their feet? a chemical of pure joy? i could not say. but this swine barn will be my epiphany. it will be like, just like, that ladybug crapping on me. oh rapture, oh bliss.

to my interrogative of whether we could attend the fair, the darling kim replied, “Is there even a question that we need to absolutely attend this event??!?!??!!” her excessive use of punctuation truly impressed on me how this stop will be the culminating event of our cross-country trip. and it’s only the middle of the road! we’ll still have plenty of time for me to buy a horse in kentucky in time for the derby in may. i may never come home again.

missouri, my sweet lady-land of mystery. how i will delight in your offal and filth. and it goes without saying that the prizes for largest pumpkin, zucchini, and squash will be an event i will watch with bated breath. perhaps they will even crown a missouri state fair queen. perhaps it will be the award-winning largest sow. perhaps we will then eat her for dinner.

ardent admirer: darling michele, i can barely stand to spend time away from you. all my efforts at productive activity are wasted in sighs and longing for you. i stare at your picture, mesmerized by every detail, and i fear even to blink, afraid to miss even the smallest perfection. what do you do when away from me? tell me now, my love, do you pine for me as i do for you?

michele: on the contrary. i watched 6 hours of pride and prejudice and knitted a scarf. thru it all, i thought nothing of you, for you hardly weigh heavily on my mind. (light chortle) in fact, i think perhaps no thought beyond what dvd to watch next crosses my mind the vast majority of the time. although my latest fascination does own somewhat to amazement at my newly acquired knitting muscles. great bulbous lumps on the back of my hands between the pointer and middle fingers. entire hours can thus be taken up by watching my hands flex. it is both disgusting and highly enjoyable, as all great things in life should be. sadly you do not make the cut of that list, being yourself entirely disagreeable.

AA: (sob) if only i was mr. collins!

michele: oh no!, that would never do. for though he is disgusting, he is only enjoyable in the sense that he has some of the best lines in the whole script. but they are only completely delightful when you can mock them to all and sundry by the exaggerated rolling of eyes and smirk at the corners of the lips, where by rights the kiss should go. (concerned, but almost completely wrinkle-free, pout-frown), i wonder if perhaps the corner of the mouth has no room for a kiss when one is surrounded by such dullards all the time. does it dry up and wither like the conversation of the company one keeps? am i only to smirk?!

michele’s inner dirty demon: perhaps one should substitute “conversation” with “penis”. (smirk)

why the FUCK did i voluntarily change my schedule so that i would be at work at EIGHT AM on friday? it’s like urine in my pants awful. this is a hideous hour of the morning. no one should be awake this early. what am i, mad? great, just great. lock me in the looney bin, swede. (that last bit isn’t really apropos of nothing, it’s a derivation of ‘wax me, swede’ which somehow i once got coaxed into saying by long-hai. it wasn’t so much his gentle persuasion, of course, as my own desire to put together those two elements in a a thoroughly delightful sentence.) de-fucking-lightful. 8am, i loathe you. de-fucking-testable.

and i REALLY need the buffy musical soundtrack out of my head. OUT!

no one’s going to coachella this year. it’s kind of sad. end of an era of 2 years. 2 glorious years. heh. admittedly i’m not positive that no one’s going. and this no one obviously only includes people i know. not the unwashed masses which i’m sure are still going. but jacob and dianna dropped out. and this was after kim and kristen had already dropped out. and i had pretty much dropped out. marina was dropping out. erica was bound to drop out. nuala and kati vol were still up for grabs. but grabby hands are the devil’s playground and they probably would have come over to the dark dropping out side too. if not though, i still have the hotel rooms but i’m going to cancel them soon. however if anyone wants to make a bid for them quick i could transfer them over to someone else’s name. now i will go mope, accepting defeat. resigned, raggedy, revolutionary. maybe next year?

walking up the back stairs this morning to campus, i noticed that the smushed snail population appears to have quadrupled. also now there are many, many more baby snails (still alive) wandering around the steps. i contemplated several times moving some of the baby snails off the steps so they didn’t get squash-crunched as their older relatives have. pity for snails.

then i started wondering, honestly, where do baby snails come from? so i checked. it’s disgusting. i no longer feel the need to save them from other people’s feet. i’m still going to be careful not to step on them, but that’s mostly a gross factor of wearing thin flip flops and not wanting snail guts on my bare feet. not that i know if they have guts in the sense of which i am thinking. but certainly…they eat plants…so they must have a gastric system.

plus though anyway there’s that noise they make when you do step on them from the shell cracking, you know? that’s a terrible noise. it always makes me flinch. all right, now i feel bad for them again. no one deserves to be stepped on. but wait, let’s read the procreation process again together.

Snails spend many hours courting before they mate. They twist themselves around each other and cover themselves in frothy slime. After mating, each snail will go search for a soft ground to dig and lay its eggs. The snail lay its eggs in a nest, 2.5 to 4 cm deep in the soil. Each snail can lay an average of 85 eggs and they hatch in 2 to 4 weeks, depending on the temperature and moisture of the soil. The eggs are concealed with a mixture of soil and mucus. They are then covered with excrement.

The first thing that a newly hatched snail does is to find food. It will eat whatever that is left of its eggshell too. It will also eat any eggs that have not hatched yet.

frothy slime, poo, and cannibalism. delightful.

dear jenny,

happy birthday cuteness! i know i don’t call as much as i should or write or visit. but i love you and i am so, so impressed by everything you’ve managed to accomplish/survive since we graduated. you are amazing. you deserve so many vacations, more sleep, and chocolate. i hope the extendo hobbitsssss and lego(la)s(!) will keep you entertained though. =)

love,

michele