Categotry Archives: General

my cousin john has a sick sense of humor, just so we’re clear. you know how i often take the joke one step too far? he always tops me on that. so anyway, john sent me this forward having to do with instant messaging cybersex. it’s partially funny and then partially gross i’m only posting two of them because it went downhill from there, but if you really care i can send you the other ones–just ask. (note: out of repercussion-fear, i just went and changed all the user names.)

BN: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

BS: Aight.

BN: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

BS: I slip out of my pants, just for you, BN.

BN: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BS: Oh, I like to play dress up.

BN: Me too baby.

BS: I kiss you softly on your chest.

BN: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

BS: Hey…

BN: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

BS: Funny I still don’t see it.

BN: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness.

BS: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

BN: Don’t fuck with me bitch, I’m the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

BN: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

BS: Don’t ever message me again you piece of shit.

BN: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.

BN: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik’s evil� army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

BN: You still there baby? I think it’s getting hard now.

BN: Baby?

——————-

BN: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don’t know how long I can keep it ready for you.

JG: thats ok. ok i’m a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.

BN: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.

JG: haha, ok lets go.

JG: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.

BN: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my

breeding territory.

JG: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.

JG: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.

BN: Rhinoceruses don’t wear shirts.

JG: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it’s just part of the game.

BN: Rhinoceruses don’t play games. They fucking charge your ass.

JG: stop, cmon be serious.

BN: It doesn’t get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.

BN: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.

JG: thats it.

BN: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll�suspended in the air on my mighty horn.

BN: Goddam am I hard now.

not terribly exciting but i put up my pictures from the matrix premiere. there’s only 3. however one of them is this:

oh yes. that is my hand strung matrix beaded underwear. i can spell, you know.

dear joss whedon,

thank you for bringing back the funny. you could have done that favor for us months ago, but i will defer from casting stones at this time.

furthermore, thank you for your jackass ending. poop on you for not campaigning till you won a 2 hour finale. i think that is shit. this one hour nonsense is fuck. possibly it’s not though as i am willing to admit: what else could you do? banter more? kill more people needlessly? fight longer? maybe the one hour was a blessing. certainly hearing giles utter the phrase, “now i’m a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doiley,” ranks right up there with, “put your back into it! a watcher scoffs at gravity.” (from the cheese episode).

7 years and a lot of good lines later, i just want to say good-bye. i was vaguely troubled earlier this evening as i felt you were going out in my immediate vicinity not with a party or a bang but a quiet whisper as i watched alone in my room. but now i am neither happy nor sad to be left. merely satisfied and complete with your very non-conclusionary conclusion, you bastard. i reserve the right to be angry later when i change my mind and decide you’re a tricky fellow with hidden depths of pure sneakery. after all, who made you the king of bob?

bring on your next show and try to make it last longer than firefly. and when it doesn’t, please do not again disperse the characters to play the evil nemesiseseseses on any of your other shows. that just ain’t right. expand those horizons, joss–hire me. all right, not really. but hire me anyway.

love,

michele

poor jacob and his ennui. i feel sad, since i did semi-cool things this weekend and then did not blog about it so how would he know i had done it? admittedly it’s not that cool. it’s just the UPS entire freshman history in pictures has been uploaded to eloise. and that took some doing, let me tell you. sooo many pictures.

you have to be a member to view them though because i put them in 1998, so sign in and view away if you so wish. and admittedly most of you prob don’t care not having going to UPS, but whatever. suck it i say. it’s not all about you. apparently it’s all about me.

i actually mostly did these for jason’s sake because he doesn’t really own any pictures from our entire UPS experience other than the ones i gave him and he likes to save all of these on his computer (why he doesn’t just shutterfly them is beyond me). anyway, speaking of jason so there’s this one picture on one of the yearbook pages that is so brilliant i almost wet myself upon viewing it again.

in said picture jason was attempting to tell his brother josh how to tie a tie over the phone. as the conversation progressed jason became more and more laughing-irritated, as we all surreptitiously listened in from the other room and attempted to control the erupting giggles. constant repetition of, “no! the shiny side! shiny! fold the shiny side! no, goddammit! shiny!”

if memory serves jason’s dad came home at that point and helped fix the tie. but possibly he was there all along and also didn’t know how to create a proper shiny side fold. whatever, the point is–here’s looking at the male contingent of jason’s family. the dad for producing jason, one of the best people i know, and josh, the worst filmographer i’ve ever had the pleasure of never viewing anything by. one of whom can’t tie a tie and one of whom can’t explain how to tie a tie. but they all muddle through in the end. and that’s what counts.

the berkeley hill grass and garbage eating goats are back!

i love those goats. there seems to be more of them in more colors than i remember from last year. oh goats. wacky goats.

it’s weird to think that it’s been a whole year since the last time the goats started appearing in the hills. where does the time go? i measure it in goats.

at this point i’m basically incoherent from internally screaming matrix! all day but here goes.

at this time at this time at THIS TIME right now! i’m going to go to the theatre and sit around for 4.5 hours JUST TO BE IN LINE to see the MATRIX. and you know what? waiting in line is a huge part of the experience and my experience is going to be HUGE! plus i have matrix underwear! yes!

ix ix! ma! tr! ix! matrix, matrix! WHOOOOOOO!!!!

this time tomorrow i will have already seen matrix2 and will be complaining about how tired i am!