Nyotaimori

i do not make out with kristen as i have never made out with kristen and will never make out with kristen. contrary to prevailing popular belief.

zoe’s (and why not?) mouth dropped open in shock as she read dulcinea’s email. threesomes! threesomes! comparatively right below her nose too! later on she realized that hearing D talk about ‘tag-teaming’ when referring to another girl’s vagina was more than just slightly risque. downright amusing is what it really was. but then so are all my made up names so what can you do?

conversation after frantic dialing and impatient wiggling while it rang went a little something like this:

zoe: you did WHAT?!?!?

dulcinea: murmer murmer murmer

Z: HOLY FUCKING CRAP!

….

Z: and then what did you, um, do?

D: well i did a little breast work

Z: YOU ARE FUCKING SHITTING ME!!

D: well i’d tag-teamed out of the vaginal area and her aureoles were looking mighty fine and possibly in need of a good licking. (wouldn’t it be awesome if someone really DID said that?)

Z: sputter sputter

D: am i a dirty whore?

Z: I AM SO JEALOUS OF YOU I CAN’T EVEN TALK!

D: it’s funny because i can tell YOU about this but i couldn’t tell anyone else because they would think i was a dirty whore bound for an opium den.

Z: OPIUM DEN!!

D: there’s got to be something wrong with me.

Z: there’s nothing wrong with you. (seriously) if you can’t tell other people because they are repressed and living in the dark ages that is a them problem and not a you problem. having sex with 2 other people at once is hardly reprehensible particularly when you’re being safe and not doing it with everyone in sight. besides, dude, fucking SWEET.

chalk this one up to a dream i had. no cosmo girl magazine involved. no me. no kristen. no really.

seriously now, that is totally my brother right? he argues that he never made his hair look like that. my mom agrees with him. but i swear somewhere there is a school yearbook picture in which he looks exactly like that. because it’s him. how the hell does classmates get access to people’s yearbook pictures? and why are they casting aspersions on my brother’s marital fate like that? this is just not copasetic at all.

and betty, when you call me, you can call me al

long-hai’s cat girl:

a completely separate picture of long-hai’s that i just really liked:

and i discovered that there’s more pictures on his webpage then we know about. if you go the parent directory you can find them. sneaky.

jesus you guys are hard on julia roberts.

today i signed up for motorcycle lessons. is this shocking to anyone? did anyone not know i was doing this? even my mom knows.

i am by turns terrified and excited. it’s a wonderful feeling. mostly i’m afraid of dying. but i am excited about the experience and the learning how to properly take care of my own mode of transportation thru helpful monthly maintenance training sessions with gene and gene’s dad’s tools. i’m excited about the oopsy daisy gang, and the clothes, and the cool. of course if it turns out to be none of those things and only about the dying, i’ll be very disappointed. i’ll be even more disgusted if somebody dredges this up and reads bits of it at my funeral. keep that in mind, why don’t you.

if anyone else is interested it’s in san francisco, is $212 for the classes which last 2 weeks and i am starting on july 24th. here is the webpage with all the information. come and join a gang with me! we can be biker chicks. and then we can pierce our triangles and be the constantly orgasming biking chicks. fyi that last bit is still under heavy consideration. i think it would be foolish to risk complete desensitization by getting the triangle pierced AND riding a bike. but i might be just stupid enough to do it.

in preparation for the upcoming wedding festivities i have been very carefully trying to inveigle my way into being invited to any and all bachelor parties while at the same time providing directions to the best strippers in the respective partys’ neighborhoods. so far it is a no go. first, my cousin is refusing strippers. the best man then also refused my helpful belly dancers suggestion. now they are going fishing. fishing. bah. (not that i wouldn’t go fishing if i was invited. james.) and then brian said he hasn’t done anything for doug’s bachelor party (is this a surprise? doug don’t read this.) and so i urbanely slipped him some helpful links to pictures of strippers in seattle. no reply on that front yet either. it’s like there’s a conspiracy against me getting to see strippers. or play feed the kitty. it’s sexist i tell you. this stupid segregation of genders pre-wedding. i am offended by the archaic male belief systems i keep butting up against with my helpful searching fingers googling the stripper situations.

however my day brightened this morning because yesterday i also sent an email to long-hai in canada begging to know whether he could come see me while i’m in seattle. sadly the answer was no, however he told me about this recent project he did animating an anthropomorphic cat girl and he thought of me for inspiration. ME. all right, i have to say, anyone who uses me as a muse makes me melt inside. that is just too too sweet.

(please note: long-hai drew neither of those pictures. but hopefully will be putting up his animated one eventually on his page.)

last weekend gene was puzzling over how i manage to spend $1500 every month and am always broke, but really it’s not so odd when you consider how much stuff i buy online all the goddamned time. just yesterday i bought another bathing suit. did i need it? not likely. did it cost $100 total with shipping and taxes and everything? all answers point to yes. am i probably going to have to send it back because it doesn’t fit and/or i look terrible in it? most definitely. i’m like a magic eight ball without the surprise.

this morning gene viciously sent me an email with a link to spiky bras. how did he think i could turn down a spiky bra? i could match my backpack. who wouldn’t want that? shit i’m a consumer fiend.

but which kind is better? all black or black and white?

the ferris wheel junkies will spin there forever instead

nuala gave me this magazine upon leaving. like a present. with alyson hannigan on the cover. this magazine’s name? FHM (‘for him magazine.’ what a DUMB name.) and i was going to put up one of the pictures from the edition of the magazine i have. but then i found these other ones from an earlier edition of the magazine while poking around on the fhm site. could wiccan willow be any more sexy?

it’s like that time in superfreaks when i said that katherine heigl is fucking hot. i am totally the 14 yr old girl who’s in love with her favorite tv characters from shows which aren’t coming back next year and who are going to take my virginity without giving me pleasure. bastards. but everything will be all right with a few more pretty pictures. mmmmm….