Nyotaimori

if i was five and i discovered a speculum in the house i’d probably use it as a telephone.

me: hello?

speculum-phone: bonjour.

because speculums are dirty and totally french is a dirty language. some french carnies said nasty things to me once. their adamant refusal to believe “pussy” was another word for “cat” is an example of this.

me: dirty!

speculum-phone: oui, c’est vrais. je suis un putain.

me: salope! salope!

speculum-phone: oh, the shameaux.

me: shamu? ISHMAEL!!!

maybe if i knew the word for shame in french my brain wouldn’t have gone there.

speaking seriously now, what the hell has happened to the pap smear process? admittedly my last experience was before the turn of the century. but has hovercraft technology advanced that much? it was the fastest cervix swabbing i’ve ever experienced. and there seemed to be a lot less parts to it. color me surprised.

the beginning of the film festival (for me) went pretty well. not only did i manage to acquire FIVE friends to take along instead of three, but the director remembered my name from my comment on his webpage. it was an exciting moment when sean and nuala browbeat me into speaking to him outloud like a real person.

me: hey, i, um, commented on your webpage.

john hazlett: you’re michele, right?

me: (internally screaming) yeah.

(i don’t remember the middle of the conversation because i was too delighted that he knew my name)

john hazlett: so are you coming for a drink?

(there was an after party)

me: um, no, i have to go to bed.

yes, because i am completely inane. and my braveness (forced by others) extends only to a point and then i must run for it like a small, scared rodent. a fact for which sean and nuala publicly berated me on a street corner till i actually felt like a rodent.

next up is the pirate movie (sunday, 4:30, woman’s building). which will be good research for me as i write this pirate lesbian story i’m working on.

i need some. will you be mine?

san francisco indie film festival will be in town starting next week. there’s some movies i really want to see. here i will list them for you and you may drool, or spit, or cast doubts upon me. and if you’d like to go with me to a movie, you may say, ‘please, michele, can not i be your friend?’ only you should try to pronounce ‘friend’ like frankenstein. because that would be funnier. fwwwwrrrreeeeeiiiieeennnd.

feb 2, 9:15pm, castro

angel getting sexually assaulted by 3 teenage girls!!!!

(so far, kristen, nuala, christine, and i are going to this one)

feb 5, 4:30pm, woman’s building

pirate boys on the salt lake!!

this looks funny, has boys pretending to be pirates, and, well, what else do you need? pirates, people. pirates. (kristen and i are going to yell “AR!” at the pirate boys so far)

february 7, 7pm, roxie cinema

intial d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

holy crap. my delight at this is boundless. you would understand my delight more if you had sat through hours and hours of the HORRIBLE anime show this is based on. it was all just computer generated cars doing skids down the mountain roads. oh man. fucking brilliant. i watched episode after episode. and then i sold it all to robin at the bookstore for like $1 a tape.

feb 11, 11:45pm, roxie

house of fury!

stephen fung. he’s a hong kong actor turned director. i haven’t seen any of his director efforts but he’s none too shabby of an actor. if you like cute asian boys. and i do. i really, really do. plus it’s got some other really good hong kong actors in it, so my hopes for this movie are probably not unfounded. also, it’s on the saturday i was going to make people go to burma superstar for my birthday dinner. so if you’re coming to that, you might as well stick around and go to the movies really late with me. i’ll buy you coffee. (a maybe jacob and i are going)

feb 12, 7pm, roxie

the great yokai war.

takashi miike with a horror for children. if you know takashi, then i really don’t have to say anything else. but this looks sweet (fucking, not candy) and surreal and all together awesome. (so far going are jacob, christine, and i).

if you look around and there’s anything else there you want to see, let me know. i could be your friend too.

at richard’s the other day we had a keen discussion of the da vinci code. which was interesting since none of has read it. i read it today in the spirit of scientific inquiry as i found a copy moldering in the garage (truly, it is amazing what one can find in there).

number one. it is about important women in the church.

number two. and yet it treats the main female character like a complete lackwit almost the entire time.

number three. my biblical view has been completely skewed by christopher moore’s lamb.

number four. around page 200 i became absurdly convinced that she was going to insert the cryptex (key to the location of the holy grail) into her vagina like a dildo to prove the feminine goddess crap they were all spouting and that then mary magdelene’s dead corpse and all the secret documents would just spew forth or something. from her womb. heck, it’s full of mystery and the divine, apparently. and she is a direct descendent of jesus christ, after all. there’s got to be a few miracles up her sleeve. or cervical passage. whatever.

number five. if you’d read the book you’d know that five is a very important number and a lot of other useless trivia that you aren’t really sure is true or not. like that mary magdelene was jesus’ wife and bore him a daughter. that da vinci painted her in the last supper. that the olympics game symbol of five interlocking rings comes from the pentagram which is also a symbol of the vagina. that the church was built from mary and not peter. A LOT of crap about pagan rituals and constantine. that mary magdelene is the holy grail. though ultimately what i have to say is that this book is quite badly written. but i like the idea of it. and why wouldn’t i? i am female. rock on, chalice.

on saturday in honor of jason being back in the states we played badminton at pleasant hill park. this is saying something about how much we love jason. because it’s fucking janauary and that park was cold. i’m still a little iffy about whether one of my toes has frost bite. plus, my house is now filled with the sand from the volleyball court. thanks, jason. thanks so much. (i love you. come back soon.)

i took some pictures and put them on eloise.

my mom and i spent today cleaning out adam’s bedroom and painting it. the painting was sort of spur of the moment as we looked at the many, many nails in the wall and accumulated grime after we got everything off the floor. ‘what this needs,’ i said, ‘is some clean paint.’ ‘with almond extract,’ added my mom, ‘for the smell.’ thus, i pawed thru the copius canisters of color in the garage determining which were solid matter, which were full of rusty bits, and which were still usable. we came up with white. lots of white. also yellow, purple, and some stinky varnish. the room is now a lovely shade of white. mostly. it was really bad paint. now all it needs is a bed and it will be ready for jason to sleep in on the off chance that he comes to stay this week. i almost want to institutionalize ‘painting for guests’. we should paint the room everytime someone might come to visit. my blisters are a sign of my love.