With The Vet
Vet: I have good news! She has pancreatitus!
Me: Uh. how is that good, exactly?
(Apparently the pancreas is not a necessary organ for survival in cats. Hooray!)
With The Comcast Guy
Comcast Guy: What are you doing up there?
Me: I haven’t had internet for FIVE DAYS. Where do you expect me to be if not climbing the walls, you goddamn nose-wipe?
With 4th Graders
Bianca: Is that a real tattoo?
Me: Um, yes.
Brody: Are you a real girl?
Me: Stupid punk fourth graders.
With Punk the Cat
Punk: mufflemmmmfllle
Me: Shit goose! Put the freaking mouse down!
With The Mouse I Saved From Punk
Mouse: (shudder, shudder)
Me: I know I’m grateful you still have your head too, but don’t get carried away and bite me. I will fully drop you from a (not-so)-great height.
With A Cloud
Me: You’re pretty.
Cloud:
With Myself:
Me: You’re pretty.
Me: You’re an idiot.
nod
you’re a pretty idiot. it’s true.
i am confused as to when you started using “shit goose” as an exclamation, but i like it. unless that was intended to be an imperative. that i would have to reconsider.
shit goose is adam’s name for punk. sometimes it’s more appropriate than punk.
i forgot one.
with the jury duty summons officer
officer: i’m going to have to take you to jail now.
me: but i forgot! i just forgot! i’m not plotting against the state!
officer: well, all right. i guess we can just reschedule you for next week.
me: (sob) i don’t want to have to find out who to sleep with for cigarettes! wait, what?
The trick is, kick someone’s ass the first day, or become someone’s bitch. Then everything will be alright.
but seriously, how is it possible to forget to attend your jury duty summons and then not have serious repercussions? i am still reeling from the luckiness of not being in jail. and also from the stupidity of having absolutely no other plans in my life and still forgetting the one scheduled activity of the week.
I always thought you’d go to prison for one of your many other crimes, but not for skipping jury service.
It’s good that you got to rehearse the “is that a real tattoo/are you a real girl” conversation with 4th graders before having to go through it with potential sugar mommas in prison.
The trick I found was to move to a smaller town where nothing really happens and therefore there don’t seem to be a lot of trials. I forgot my jury duty too, at the end of the summer when I had nothing else to keep track of, and I tearfully bade my friends farewell and turned myself in, but they hadn’t needed me and the cheerful woman at the courthouse was more interested in chatting about the weather and the construction going on in the park next door than taking me to jail.
“excuse me, is this your cat?”
“um…yes?”
“you don’t sound sure.”
“he looks kind of familiar…I have a lot of cats, it’s hard to know, but he’s probably mine.”
“your cat just held up a liquor store for $38 dollars and a bag of litter.”
“gosh!”
“are you aware of statute 6.12.94 which states that a pet owner is responsible for all crimes committed by his or her animals?”
“gosh…”
“also, we hear you missed your jury duty recently.”
“well…”
“you’ll have to come with us, ma’am.”
cats that commit crimes
next door neighbors: your cat beat up our dog!
my mom: fuck your yappy little dog! he’s always in OUR back yard! and fuck your boat parking in front of our house! and fuck your car alarm that goes off every fucking 5 minutes! in the suburbs! on a cul-de-sac! even if there is a halfway-house at the end of the block now!
neighbors: we’re taking you and your criminal cats to jail!
officer: so which cat is the offender?
line up of cats: MROW! HISS HISS!
neighbors: #8! the long haired black one with the pug face!
me: ha ha ha! dumb shits! that’s not even our cat!
my brother: stupid fucking neighbors. go and have another one of your loud annoying weekend parties and listen to selena.
in a meta sense, all cats are your cat though, aren’t they? like all ways are the queen of hearts’ ways?
when a cat turns on me and causes great injury i cross them off the list of MY cats. this black, pug-face lost favor long ago when he once glommed onto my arm and tore many holes in it with teeth and claw. same goes for bitchy bella.
and yet you still try to pet bella sometimes. i’ve seen you. you’re like a fool. or an idiot. a pretty idiot.
yay for the circular comment thread!