As some of you know, I recently went to San Diego for a wedding. I also made it down there in time for the bachelorette party which was at an all day hot springs. Let me now relate to you the most awesome thing about hot springs:
Cabana Boys.
Yes. Boys that do your every bidding. Who come and go with food and towels. Who escort you to appointments. Who offer a never-ending supply of champagne! Cabana Boys! My favorite was Marcus, but Jeff had the bleached tips in his hair, and Alex was adorable (but not as good at bringing the champagne on demand).
So on the drive to the hot springs, Kim (Jenny’s sister and maid-of-honor) told us we would have cabana boys. The back seat went silent.
Laura: Cabana boys?
Kim: We have our own private cabana and deck. They’ll be around doing things for us.
Francie: What will they do for us, exactly?
Kim: Bring us things. Take us to our massages. You know, those kinds of things.
Jenny: Apply our sunscreen?
Kim: Sure.
Francie: That might be awkward.
Michele: I don’t see how.
Francie: Well, I’m married!
Michele: So? It’s a cabana boy. His job is your pleasure!
Jenny: Will they peel grapes for us? *
Laura: And give us foot massages?
Francie: I do like foot massages.
Michele: I bet they’ll even suck on your toes. If you ask.
Silence.
Michele: Too awkward?
* Later, Sue (Jenny’s mom) demanded they peel grapes for her. Kim, in embarrassment, grumbled that this was why she wasn’t originally on the cabana invite list.
My other favorite thing about the hot spring was the mud pool bath thing. You climb in and the hot springs sulfur water opens your pores, then you slather mud over your entire body and lie out on chaise lounges while it dries. And then you make faces at yourself in the full length mirrors they have set up all over and rub it off for exfoliation purposes. It flakes off in chunks and you’re surrounded in a cloud of dust just like Pig Pen! It was incredible and felt awesome. Mud! Who knew, right? Well, lots of people. But not me until now.
On Sunday I went to the wedding. It was lovely and joyous and all those things weddings are. It was also horrendously awkward for me as I knew no one except the bride’s family and the bridesmaids from the bachelorette party. All of whom were obviously busy for the first bit. Lesson learned: Never go to a wedding by yourself where you know no one.
Eventually though the bridesmaids were done with duties and I hung out with them. Francie and I expended a lot of effort and made friends with the waiters in order to get the peanut butter cup cheesecake (as opposed to the plain, the raspberry, the creme brulee, or the bailey’s). It was the third one cut in to. We had two pieces each. The wait staff found us hilarious as they would offer us the first slice of each cake and we would peer at it uncertainly to ascertain the lack of peanut butter and then wave it off to some poor sod who didn’t know what they’d be missing.
Francie (and her husband Alex) and the PB cup cake.
Later, I sauntered off nonchalantly to sit by my latest crush, Lori. Seriously she looks like Mellie from Dollhouse. Gorgeous. And hilarious. Totally fast with the witticisms. And interesting–she was in the Navy for 6 years and chased down pirates on the high seas! Really!
So we’re sitting there chatting and Jenny makes an announcement about the bouquet toss.
Lori: I hate the bouquet toss. Single ladies! Identify yourselves! Come up so we can throw things at you! Shame on you!
Michele: I hate it too. **
Lori: We should get married.
Michele: I have rings!
I give her one of my stackable paste diamonds.
Lori: So I see I’m the generous one in this marriage. You have two and I only have one!
Michele: Let’s not fight already. We should still be honey-mooning.
Jenny: Come on you two! It’s bouquet toss time.
Lori and Michele: So sorry! We’re married now.
Jenny: Bitches.
After the bouquet toss, Lori gives me back my ring.
Lori: I guess this is it. Our whirlwind romance ends in annulment.
Michele: It was fun while it lasted.
Lori: It’s not you, it’s me.
Michele: I’m pretty sure it’s my genitalia.
Lori: I do like the hot dog more than the taco.
** Um. She made me kind of tongue tied. Sadly not in more ways than one. Hoo!
Me and my new wife. Now ex-wife.