michele

fido

roxie

2/18

7pm

http://www.sfindie.com/site/node/84

Welcome to Willard, a small town lost in the idyllic world of the 50s, where the sun shines every day, everybody knows their neighbor, and domesticated rotting zombies carry the mail. Thanks to ZomCon’s patented domestication collar, zombies make excellent gardeners, milkmen, servants, even pets.

Timmy Robinson is an awkward loner who spends so much time in his room even his own parents don’t notice him. So when Mom (Carrie-Anne Moss, “The Matrix”) buys the titular zombie (Billy Connolly) to help around the house, Timmy is surprised when the beast wants to play catch. When the zombie saves him from the local bullies, a true friendship is born, and Timmy names him “Fido.”

But when his collar goes on the fritz, the neighbors start paying the ultimate price. To complicate matters, ZomCon’s notorious zombie-control specialist has moved in across the street. What begins as a small town story about a boy and his best friend becomes a biting satire about our world, the price of fear, and the rewards of risking love.

forgiving the franklins

roxie cinema

2/20

7pm

http://www.sfindie.com/site/node/306

Forgiving the Franklins is the sometimes hilarious, sometimes tragic story of a repressed God-fearing southern family who undergo a radical spiritual change, putting them at odds with the conservative values of their community. The Franklins are a stereotypical North Carolina family: Frank is a lawyer, Betty is a homemaker, and the high school-age kids Caroline and Brian are a cheerleader and a football star, respectively. An auto accident turns their world upside down—in a state somewhere between life and death, Frank, Betty and Brian meet Jesus who, for reasons known only to himself, removes them from the burden of Original Sin. Left out of the equation is Caroline who, in the throes of adolescence and pain from her injuries, must figure out why her family has suddenly embraced their repressed sexuality.

at the high school, students are taking the california exit exam. unlike my job in the library, this is not akin to a porn video. it could be because it’s too early for porn. how can it be too early for these kids and thier hot-running libidos?

good morning, kids, where are your hormones? check them at the door! and turn off your cell phones!

luckily i’m being paid 2.25 as much as i make to watch the asian twins in the library after school. this, in case you’re interested, means i’m making $25/hour to sit in a chair and watch for exam cheating. a cushy duty? perhaps. though this chair is quite uncomfortable.

(oops, just had to yell at a kid, no ipods while test-taking, punk!)

i swear that kid is over 6 feet tall. his feet are enormous! is it wrong of me to consider their feet? is it foolhardy of me to write this down ON school grounds? yes and yes, friends. but if CAHSEE isn’t going to give me porn, then i’m going to make it.

it’s cementhorizon’s 5th birthday this month! which means that it’s pretty much nyataimori’s 5th birthday too. and it’s certainly my actual 28th birthday (not that we’re celebrating that). let’s not mention it again. fucking 2 years till 30.

THE PARTY INFO

WHEN: Saturday, February 24, starting 8pm

WHERE: the Castro, San Francisco. RSVP to rsvp@cementhorizon.com for the exact address.

what there will not be:

– food

– drinks

what there will be:

– A CH birthday cake (thus negating that no food thing above. there’s not going to be any other food though. don’t get ideas above your station.)

– A new, improved photo booth

– A chocolate fountain (which may or may not remain hygenic) from I Fought the Law

– Superstar bloggers wandering the party signing autographs

– CH-themed jello shots provided by me (thus negating that no drink thing above. this doesn’t apparently count though because of the jiggly wiggly.)

on thursday i had dinner with a mass of people in san francisco. this was due in part to marina’s being in town for the night. mostly though it was due to…something else. all right, i’m just lying now and not very successfully, it was all about marina. while there i harangued christine in this misinformed tirade about our ballet tickets. marina mocked me afterwards and i wondered silently to myself why i put together a dinner party for her (i’m lying again, my brain had no rational thought at this point except “ballet! ballet? why no ballet?! et tu, brute?”).

the thing is though see that i thought christine hadn’t gotten the tickets but it turned out that she totally had! i praised her name! i apologized for my het-up unfair verbal abuse! i realized that i say “ballet” like i said “garbage” at the age of 5. this is embarrassing. and i’m working on it.

when i was 5, my uncles took me to the garbage dump in vernonia, oregon for a dump party. they have them once a year where the town’s population turns out to build fires and get drunk. they placed me on top of a pile of furniture at which point i uttered the words remembered by all vernonians:

i’m sitting on garbage.

now, remember, i was 5. and i pronounced “garbage” with a funny accent. like it was two totally separate words–GAR-bage. i swear to god, every time i go to vernonia, someone in the post office or the grocery store comes up to me and exclaims, “if it isn’t the GAR-bage girl!” then they tell the story to whoever is within hearing distance young enough or unfortunate enough not to have been there back in 1984. it’s a very short story.

the thing is that after years of this miserable, blush-inducing abuse, i’ve managed to train myself to say garbage properly. not so with “ballet” apparently. i totally pronounce it “BAL-let”. even when i realize it and can sense the hyphenated extension of the syllables about to come out of my mouth, i can’t stop it! “BAL-let”! argh!

whatever you do, please don’t tell any vernonians about this pronunciation faux-pas. i shudder to think how they would turn it against me for the sake of a laugh.

following upon the unstoppable success of superfreaks and fjords!: the musical, a gang of talented writers are hard at work on a new script. i don’t want to give away any of the top-secret details, but suffice it to say that it’s about old people. which, trust me, leads to many funny jokes about incontinence and model trains. not necessarily in that order.

recently, i read a book entitled grooves. it wasn’t very good. however, there was this relatively brilliant passage about a television show.

My favorite television show is about a retired barbarian named Yor who is living out his old age in sunny Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Yor carries a sword and a crossbow on his back, and he wears a helmet with two big horns sticking out of it, but other than that he is just a regular retired guy. Occasionally a villain from his past will show up to do battle with him, but usually he just plays shuffleboard with his buddy Rudy. At the end of every episode he sits by a pond and tosses bread crumbs to the ducks. The show is called ‘The Happy, Golden Days of Yor’.

i’m just saying, maybe we could write in a character named Yorina or something. i could totally get behind the slightly delusional female barbarian character. old people PLUS red sonja!

james, you owe my mom $150!

sorry, but i promised i would make sure you knew. talking about my bra shopping in front of pregnant girls, indeed.

life continues well in oregon on vacation. it stills snows and i still eat it when it lands on my tongue. though, of course, it is more a science of swallowing than eating being, as it is, melted water.

tonight i enlisted the help of my youngest cousin, v, in skulduggery. he is only 8, but i feel he has a promising career ahead in life enabling me to attain dubious wins at cards. his actions today gave me the victory in a game of uno ATTACK–wherein, i traded hands with him when he was down to the glorious calling out of uno and he then set me up with a wild card red so i could win the game. what a clever, dashing youth, says i with general bonhomie and cheer.

moo cow enjoys the change of scenery and the joy of having me wholly to herself again without that tempestuous bundle of warmongering fluff, moggy. (whose nickname may change to ‘warrior’ at this point.)

but enough of these tales of cheating and cats, i leave you with another photo. this is taken while shooting off rockets from a baseball diamond in sunriver. the aptly named, ‘chrome dome’, he of the shiny, shiny gold nose, flew up into the clouds, deployed a faulty parachute, and was carried a good half mile off to the north. ‘so long, chrome dome,’ i yelled in parting while waving my hanky.

it’s snowing! snowing in oregon! you know what might not have burned down if it had been in oregon? el tapatio. also maybe the KFC on contra costa that burned out recently too.