Categotry Archives: General

lately, my home life seems to revolve around puke. i realize that this is an entirely unsavory subject, but i feel the need to vent about it a little and then move on.

you’d think that while snug in your bed you’re safe from such things as wild parties happening across the hall and waking up to the sounds of retching from the bathroom next door. or at least, you could imagine this would not be the case outside of a college dorm room or frat house. such is not the case in my household though. we could be a frat house for all we don’t really resemble ones’ members. however, this weekend has really taken the cake.

on saturday, much to my startled surprise an incredibly attractive biker showed up at my front door. i was alone in the house at the time, though if i had been on the phone with gene i’m sure he would have been yelling in my ear about the scary factor of door-to-door salesmen, UPS men, and girl scouts as he did early in the week when a man selling fish and meat came along looking to huff and puff and blow my house down. this curvaceous and stoic biker though was looking for my brother so they could commence the milk drinking contest. for those unaware what this constitutes, let me explain to your eternal dismay. everyone gets a gallon of milk. you drink your gallon. first person to puke loses. last person to puke wins. this is, i must say, a beautiful example of the genius of rebellious youth in action.

luckily for our pseudo-frat house they went to a public park to undertake this immensely juvenile pursuit.

last night, i returned from the copious belly-filling of the cheesecake factory to be surprised by a friend of my brother’s dragging me out of the computer chair and into the bathroom to look at his vomit. he was both drunk and high and after convincing him that in fact he was not vomiting up blood and to the contrary it was merely chunks of tomatoes and red peppers (i don’t even want to know what he was eating) i escaped to my room and refused to leave it again that night.

now sure, my house isn’t burning down so i have little in truth to complain about, but i’m thinking maybe we should move some of these milk drinking contests closer to the fire and test their extinguishing capabilities.

24 is not my favorite number, but 17 is. and since you’ll only be 24 for a year but your birthday will be on the 17th forever, i feel that is ok.

piggy, it’s been a long hard road to this day. there were molls, sidekicks, tupperware, spun sugar, and slop, but in the end you’ve made it to this ripe old age of sort of an inbetween indiscriminate number and nature. so good on you. liven up this birthday year and never forget your ignominious pig-sake roots.

love,

muppet

currently my cat mooser poosers (sorry kati, i know i have weird cat names) is looking a little frankenstein-esque. this could be due to the conehead, but i think in large part should be laid at the backdoor, ie her little caboose, which has 7 staples in it. apparently second buttholes are “in.” i can think of no other explanation. you would not believe the number of times i had to use the phrase, “yeah, it’s to the left of her anus,” yesterday. and each time, my tenderest sensibilities shriveled a little. there’s something about the word “anus” that is indestructibly dirty. this could be both literally and figuratively i guess. unless maybe you have one of those bidet things. but even then, i mean come on, “anus.” it’s just no good.

* popoki means cat in hawaiian. it is also the name of a former cat of my mom’s. don’t say i never taught you nothing. they have 4 tortoise shell 3.5 month old kittens at the vet’s up for adoption that look just like our popo. i almost got one. it was a close call before i convinced myself that 3.5 month old kittens are just not kitteny enough.

i also thought of taking a picture of mooser’s new anus but decided against it, because as robyn says, animal pictures are lame. also, in this case–exploitative. you dirty sickos.

last night after the weekly pub crawled, kim, jason, and i returned to my car only to discover that it was fully inoperable due to the massively flat rear tire. kim abandoned me with full permission to go home, but jason and i sat and waited in the car for a tow truck to come for 45 minutes. in the meanwhile we were roundly observed by unfriendly eyes on all sides. the laundromat thru whose window we flung the injured tire at the close of the evening had shady dealings and old chinese women in nighties. the russians on the cell phone who we pinged with nut bolts till they ran shrieking in recriminatory abasement were at first a trifle circularly ambulating suspicious. in the end though, it was the pure joy at watching someone else do what we should have been able to do ourselves with only the proper tools, proper know-how, and super strength that was the crux of the evening. an evening which i will never forget. thanks to jason, my savior.

happy birthday, jacob!

i was going to upload all these pictures from sophomore year and make a little picture story for you for your birthday. but now i am too lazy. sorry sorry. bad friend here.

anyway, i have lived with you for three years total now out of the 6.5 years we’ve known one another and although i hate your cat, i like you. which is why i’m wishing you a happy birthday and the very best and hope you have an excellent time at the beach with your darling girlfriend, (you lucky bastard). also i hope you pass your science rite of passage thing with flying marks. that would be pants mark on a broomstick. i hope he serenades you outside the classroom window. and maybe then you can throw an eraser at him or something. or your cat. because who would want that? not me.

happy birthday, jack-bo!

our freshman year of college we bonded over your desire for sam and my desire for someone to replace rachel in the basement.

our sophomore year we bonded over your desire for sam and my desire for kittens.

our junior year is kind of hazy, but i think we bonded over your growing disgust of sam and my continued desire for kittens.

our senior year you went gay and i had a breakdown in the face of bi!!’s g-to-the-ig.

first year post school we had bubble boy, dude where’s my car, and a plethora of WB shows.

second year post school you moved away.

and now here we are third year post school and you’re turning 25 (SO OLD 5 years till thirty) and what has really changed? no one speaks of sam anymore, i have too many kittens, you’re still gay, buffy got cancelled, i still have issues over g^the-ig, and you’ve moved again.

the question is, what will next year bring? i foresee a resurgence of sam. i think he will move to the bay area, as everyone and francesco has done, and you will run into him and then…and then…well, really he probably still looks like a dorrito , and has only man breasts so you will more than likely dismiss him from your path. perhaps g^the-ig will coincidentally arrive and be gay and then bill will pop up from the woodwork where he has been hiding all this while and assault you. he has it in him. manic-y. i’ll get another kitten (oh please, oh please). AND dude, where’s my car 2 will come out. one can dream.

happy birthday kooky wild child.