Categotry Archives: Movie Reviews

i kind of wish i hadn’t seen this movie. except for how i went to a matinee and didn’t have to pay for my own ticket. so really i just wasted time of my life. and it wasn’t a complete drag i guess. just mostly.

this movie is kind of cool with all the literary figures and the completely inappropriate items in the time period setting and the complete suspension of reality (does the invisible man walk around in the mongolian arctic wastelands while it’s snowing completely naked and not get frostbite? yes, he does. and boy was i ever mad about it.)

other things i didn’t like:

in the previews the one woman on the team says that line, “and women” when someone says, “oh-ho-ho so this is the league of extraordinary gentleman.” (or something to that effect). in the movie itself though, i’m pretty sure she never says that. am i wrong? i can’t remember now but i am pretty sure it didn’t happen. which is irritating because you think, ‘oh they’re going to provide some semblance of feminism to this rudely titled movie.’ but then, it just doesn’t happen and then also the one female character is the only one who kills violently and for the fun of it. also the one who gets her emotions involved in the plot. even the whole father-son dichotomy between allan quartermain and tom sawyer (yes, tom sawyer) isn’t emotion filled or touching. it’s just male bonding of the manly kind.

speaking of the tom sawyer character played by shane west from multiple teeny bopper movies including mandy ass moore’s film debut. i heard they added him as a character because they wanted to have a draw for the pre-teen american bitches. the marketing people or whoever, producers, i don’t know, they thought that adding tom sawyer would bring in the male crowd and then that shane west would bring in the female one. they’re probably correct in this assumption, but i think it’s sick and wrong to add something like that to a british based idea just to appease the americans and the creators’ pocketbooks. heh.

this next part is written in black and needs to be highlighted because it completely gives away the ending and i am being polite by letting you choose to read it, (editor’s note. i changed it a little so it doesn’t give away as much since jacob said he could see it anyway and so now i feel bad. my point is still clear, but the whole truth has been deleted a little). at the end of the movie, tom sawyer and allan quartermain are having this little heart to heart in which quartermain says, “may the new century be yours, boy, as the old one was mine.” the camera has kind of panned out or something and you can take note at this point that sawyer is standing straddling a crack in the floor. which is all very symbolic and well and good, and normally i might be pleased by it. but in the tripe which this movie produced in my spleen, i mostly just found it tacky and out of place.

favorite line:

random expendable soldier guy: “who ARE you?” to dorian gray.

dorian gray: “I’m complicated.” sticks a sword in RESG.

x=ab^2 favorite character:

dorian gray. and that’s not just because i love oscar wilde more than bram stoker or robert louis stevenson or mark twain or what have you. all right, it sort of is.

sean connery…i love him, i do. but i think he’s a little too old to play this role. how depressing is that. power to you, connery. keep on trucking.

this movie about the maori in new zealand is fantastic. it recounts the myth of their origins and the role of one young girl in combatting centuries of ingrained patrilineal descent in order to carve a place for herself in the new world order. the girl who plays the main character of pai is AMAZING. truly, she is so good. she made me cry when she gave her speech dressed up in assembly with the moko painted on her face. as a whole it’s kind of heartwrenchingly beautiful, a tale of one family, one town as they try to remain true to the old ways while adapting to the forced rigors of a world which is no longer really their own.

but what do i know? i had no clue as to this people’s existence prior to this movie. but i think all the same that it is a wonderfully done film with poignancy and a lush, sweeping style. so go see for yourself and judge. =)

as a movie extolling the virtues of a european clash of cultures skillfully intertwining, this movie as first-rate. if you go hoping to see more of audrey tautou’s beautiful face you are in for disappointment as her role is slim. but it’s fun to watch 8/9 pretty europeans of different nationalities sit around their apartment in spain and discuss life, love, sex, and philosophy of the disposessed and the legacy of country wrongs carried in the blood of it’s children. very much a thinking movie with very little action or exciting camera work. simple, plain, unadorned other than with the fanciful nature of the cast and situation inspired.

this movie rocked. seriously. so much fun. i mean, if you want something SERIOUS and THINKABLE than screw you. but the swordfight swashbuckling, the beautiful people, the crazy dialogue of johnny depp as CAPTAIN jack sparrow. all so good. explosions! boats! ships, i mean! beaches! treasure! i could go on! but i will stop!

favorite things about this movie:

the insouciant johnny depp playing a drunken, manic pirate to the very hilt of his ability. the man is a fucking genius.

the incredibly sexy-cute facial expressions of orlando bloom and his camaraderie with johnny depp and love of the pretty girl. plus he’s just adorable.

keira knightley’s gorgeously tanned skin, long legs, beautiful eyeballs, the package does it for me. i’m reminded with delight of the scene in ‘bend it like beckham’ when she’s dancing with jonathan rhys-meyer in the club in germany in that tiny little pink top. holy sweet jesus. hot. but that’s another movie. i will stop talking about it too.

favorite dialogue bits:

sparrow rips off elizabeth’s corset

soldier man: “never would have thought of that.”

JS: “clearly you’ve never been to singapore.”

commodore: “you’re the the worst pirate i’ve ever heard of”

JS: “ah but you have HEARD of me.”

and then the whole sea turtle escape method when will is hearing about it for the first time.

“he roped the sea turtles together into a raft.”

will: “he roped sea turtles. (pause) what did he use for rope?”

stumped silence till the camera pans out to show sparrow

JS: human hair. from my back.” swishily walks off. oh the swish. so great.

anyway, i seriously enjoyed this movie and recommend it highly. to the point where i will say that upon release this movie will be mine immediately. that is how much i liked it. you can say that due to the number of movies i own, some of them quite crap, that’s not much of a recommendation. but keep in mind most of those i buy for discounted prices to free, i don’t often buy movies the day they’re released. that requires forethought and planning that i don’t usually possess because i’m lazy. but for pirates i will scrape together all my faculties.

other reviews:

nuala

tracy

first off, let me say that it is truly absurd how obsessed i am with seth green. that said:

seth green seth green seth green!!!

this movie was pretty fucking sweet in my seth green obsessed opinion. he had good lines, a cute smile, grungy cute clothes, the longest eyelashes ever, and a made up dialogue by himself impersonating handsome rob hitting on becky. sexy fucking little bastard.

the car chase scenes were fun. the speeding little mini’s were sweet. marky mark was good, jason statham was handsome, mos def was adorable, and charlize theron plays vulnerable sex appeal to perfection. on the flip side there was edward norton who is not a very convincing villain and had hideous facial hair. i still love him, but jesus that goatee was awful.

it wasn’t suspenseful or scary, but it was an enjoyable time and is good on the big screen. plus some beautiful shots in venice if you’re missing the good old days in europe.

(just look at that adorability. ahhhh.)

back door lover mmhmhmhm doo doo da doo. hee hee hee.

(saw this movie a while ago and lazily have not gotten around to reviewing till now)

note: i think it’s important and i forgot to include it initally, but this movie is directed by peyton reed, the same man who directed ‘BRING IT ON.’ i think that should be a little telling.

if only i could watch ewan mcgregor stride around in those clothes with that smile for 2 hours and be completely content my life would be so much easier. however the plot, writing, and acting of renee zellweger threw me off and into a distaste for this movie.

it’s in the way she walks with the ass swung as far as possible to each side with every step. in the way she holds her hands up like a small squirrel will begging for food. in the way she talks with that irritating high pitched lilt. i just cannot bring myself to like her. except when she’s got some weight on her bones and is playing bridget jones’. and even then it’s all mostly about the colin firth.

there’s this great plot twist in the movie. i won’t give it away. but it almost ALMOST makes up for the sheer trite tripe of the rest of the movie. for like 30 seconds after it’s revealed i sat there dumb and gaping going, ‘well hell, this movie is practically a jeweled gem all of a sudden!’ but then it slid back into another 20 minutes or so of stupidity and i lost my affection for it again.

the fact that they were trying SO HARD to make a cart grant old skool type romantic comedy but in color and without the innocence of those days was just lame. the scene where ewan and renee are on the phone and are simulating sex with the split screen shots was funny, don’t get me wrong, but also just too contrived.

ewan was great. david hyde pierce was hell of funny, brilliant comic genius of a man. but on the whole down with love (about which i was very excited) was rather a disappointment. due to the complete lack of special effects or big screen budget, i would recommend rental over paying full admission price.

good lord, do you think that’s his wife? she’s adorable!

commence scoffing. i can so see all of you going to yourselves, “oh no. did she really go to see that? shit no, say it ain’t so. who would pay to watch a movie with hilary duff. i don’t even know the name of that girl but because i am michele’s interior self-projection monologue onto all her friends, i know the name because _I_ saw the movie. oh shit no, say it ain’t so.”

totally saw that movie. i said to myself, “self, cut out your jibber jabbering. so what that both nuala and erica, your only two hopes for company on this fool expedition, denied you. stridently. so what? don’t let them get you down, self. let’s go! hey ho!” and then i went to see it. not only that but due to my mother’s desire to procrastinate doing her homework, i got her to go AND pay for it. sch-weet. she then got completely busted by a fifth grade BOY who she used to teach at hidden valley. color her mondo-embarressed. it was adorable. he came up all shy and was like, “hi mrs. G.” and then ran away again. i laughed so hard i busted a gut. i then attempted to steal the plastic sticky ad for xmen 2 off the window. failure. defeat. sad.

but enough about me. this movie sucked ass. i can’t even tell you. wait, yes i can. there was this little cartoon feature. interspersed at all the important moments. to highlight stupid lizzie mcguire’s state of mind. it was awful.

second, you know how in the previews, the italian singer boy seems all great and hot stuff. THIS IS NOT SO. he is, in fact, a skeezy lying sleazebag. within 5 minutes of meeting him it is PATENTLY obvious that he is lying thru his teeth. but does lizzie mcguire notice this? oh nooooooooo. plus within 5 minutes of watching her best friend, gordon, you are clear on the fact that he is a stand up kind of fellow of the best sort and completely in love with her while being utterly adorable. for an 8th grader. a-hem.

everything ends up all right in the end, there’s a concert. the bad boy gets his flat singing voice due. lizzie mcguire and the italian singing girl who looks exactly like her but with brown hair wow the crowds. the parents cheer along. even the little snake in the grass brother has an all right time. and then fireworks and she kisses the best friend. ONCE. NOT ENOUGH. and he says, HE SAYS, “thanks…” and she says, ‘you’re welcome.” and michele the 24 year old gives up on pretending to be 8, stands up in the audience and demands some serious making out and slow fade on the two of them alone in bed. come ON people. kiddie porn, please. corn pone. sheesh.

the one highlight for me, (it’s going to come back to the family guy, wait for it. wait for it), is that alex borstein who does a lot of the writing and a LOT of the female voices on family guy plays lizzie’s mom. i enjoyed that.

yes that is a large wheel of cheese.

my advice? don’t see this movie. not that any of you were going to. as was made obvious when no one would go see it with me. =P