Categotry Archives: Movie Reviews

this movie is stupid. and yet it made me cry. twice. i am also stupid. splash probably also made me cry. stupid mermaid movies.

what was i thinking?

jason and i went to see the hills have eyes tonight when really what we should have done was eat off our own arms. but i jest. maybe just moo cow’s ear.

we saw it at the contra costa cinemas across from nob hill. which i haven’t been to at night since i was in high school. it’s literally teeming with young punks after the sun goes down. one kid came into our theatre, went immediately to the back door and let in 6 of his friends. this was like 10 minutes into the movie too. so impressive all around.

most amusing moment: when emilie de raven has a pillow fight with one of the mutants trying to rape her.

most disgusting amusing moment(s): when one of the mutants bites off the head of a lovebird and squishes the blood out of it into his mouth tied with when the same mutant drinks breast milk from vinessa shaw. oral fixation much?

interestingly, all those moments happened within a 5 minute time frame.

what this movie is trying to say: the dividing line between pacifism and murder is thin. beauty dies, but the beast lives. little red riding hood kills herself at the same time that she kills the wolf. all of which add up to what? innocence is dead and we’re all to blame.

what this movie really says: i am crap. crap crap crappity crap.

after a week of excitement in portland everytime i saw a MAX train with a billboard on the side, or a preview on the TV, or a sexy bare midriff, i saw ultraviolet on saturday with gene.

WHO was aware that she was playing a VAMPIRE? or as kurt wimmer likes to label it, a hemophage. who was even aware that this wasn’t a third sequel in the resident evil series? well, i was totally cognizant of the second, but the first came as an absolute surprise like an hour into the movie. well, maybe 45 minutes. the point is, there’s these people with some disease running around and finally a good portion of the way in, someone comes out and calls another a vampire. a vampire for fuck’s sake. were they trying to fool us into thinking it wasn’t underworld in the previews? to what purpose? milla jovovich is way hotter than kate beckinsale. and there were no lycans in this movie. so scott speedman? right out. the love interest in ultraviolet would probably be the 12 year old boy named six. you might think this would make it right up my alley. and dammit you’d be right.

the evil force in ultraviolet was actually a health insurance company. or, by easy extension, any corporation that takes away the rights and liberties of the common man. and then tries to kill the entire human race in order to keep them under control. brilliant thinking.

that was sarcasm. no thought went into this movie. also, i would say, not much money judging by the writing, the plot, the special effects, and the really odd airbrushing of colors. except maybe that last cost a lot. to make anybody’s skin look that perfect might take a lot of po-pro. or concealer and powder. who knows.

(small, ashamed voice) i still sort of liked it. milla is just way too sexy.

there was some discussion while in santa barbara about seeing this movie. well, mostly it was me saying, ‘i should see that with my mom.’ my mom, i’m ashamed to say, really, really likes movies with animals in them that have some sort of leading role. she made me see this incredibly horrible movie with a bear once that was based on a grimms brothers’ fairy tale. i pretty much lost all respect for her film choices at that point. though, all right, yes, i kind of wanted to see 8 below too. and that is shameful. we both watched that two brothers movie too. at separate times though. it’s the one with the baby tigers who are split up at birth. i had to stop watching when the mom tiger is trying to chase down the truck carrying away one of her babies because i couldn’t deal with how depressing it was. i think my mom managed to watch the whole thing. and flipper, don’t even get me started.

back to 8 below. i was under the impression that this would be a happy movie where paul walker first leaves his dogs behind in order to get the humans to safety but then IMMEDIATELY turns around and goes back for the dogs, and against all odds, reaches them. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THREE DAYS LATER i am still waiting for this to happen. unfortunately dogs have been dropping like flies in the meantime and i’ve been bawling at the stupid crayon drawing by the doctor’s son that is titled, ‘the dogs that saved my daddy’. one of them is purple. bawling, people.

this movie was bad. paul walker was absolutely horrid. which is about what you’d expect. jason biggs was totally giovanni with a little gilbert grape thrown in. which was disturbing. the dogs, though, were fantastic and gorgeous. mya and max especially. also the CG leopard seal added some verisimilitude. as did the killer whale carcass. you know what, i think the killer whale was actually a better actor than paul walker.

Quite possibly my current most favorite movie of all time.

This movie was made by the Disney company and I am watching it right now on the Disney channel. Well, right this minute there’s a stupid commercial about another movie they’ve made which is premiering next week or something. It’s about a reality show to find a teenage magician. Damn stupid Disney channel. I’m off topic.

Pixel Perfect is about this band who need an image makeover, so the best friend of the lead singer/guitar player creates a hologram rock star for them named Loretta. So basically it’s that Simone movie except as a rock star instead of a movie star.

Then it’s a love triangle between Samantha (the former lead singer), Loretta (the new lead singer aka the hologram), and ROSCOE. The boy. Roscoe gave Loretta Samantha’s ears! Roscoe screens Samantha’s phone calls! The pathos! The teenage stupidity!

And then it all becomes too much for the unreal Loretta. And she becomes a nihilistic hologram. It’s brilliant! After a big fight with Roscoe, Loretta jumps onto the information super highway where she meets a black man in a hoover truck who tells her that pedestrians aren’t allowed and then shoos away pop-up ads and makes disparaging remarks. She approaches some droids sorting email and they go all flashy red lights, ‘Virus alert, virus alert’, and she’s chased away by pixilated German shepards. This section of the film is pretty much where I fell desperately, despairingly in love.

Ha ha ha! Roscoe’s explaining touch and kissing to her in terms of musical accompaniment. Sadly, her foolish dreams of being able to feel are dashed when they briefly sell Loretta to the music industry, but the heart-of-gold-former-rapper, De Fibb, is going to save the day. Which puts her back in the stupidest visual representation of the “information super highway”, I’ve ever seen.

But the final show must goes on and Samantha (who has been practicing Loretta’s dance moves in her bedroom) wears a wig and takes the stage. And falls off the stage. And loses the wig. And gets a concussion. The jig seems up. Much like the Irish dancer from an earlier audition montage the band did.

Commercials. Another ad for the magic movie. If you could do magic would you waste it on a reality show doing cheap party tricks? This seems inconceivable. Unlike holographic rock stars which I am totally prepared to get behind.

Loretta came back and is asking about the brain seismograph machine hooked up to Samantha. Oh, i can see where this is going. Samantha’s brain looks a lot like Death Valley. And Samantha looks like a grunge, drug-addict. In order to fix this, Loretta “rewires some hardware” and fixes Sam’s guitar so she can play and make grass grow and everything beautiful again.

“You get to be the dreamer, but I’ll always be the dream.” says Loretta to Sam. AND THEN SHE TAKES OVER SAM’S BODY! that’s not ok! Give back Sam! This is creepy. Ha ha, she got struck by lightening!

Why does Samantha look like a prettier version of amanda Bynes? Is Amanda Bynes the poor man’s Leah Pipes?

End of this movie: Samantha gets the boy. I might actually manage to write Samantha without writing Samanthat. And Loretta is a holographic angel singing 2 part harmonies with Sam in the final, final concert.

End result of my love for this movie?: it is pure and strong and I am sending it out on the information super highway.

(get yourself the “music”).

(some quotes and goofs).

(phill theatre, 8/12/04, by self, 3:40pm)

(the following does not give away any plot points)

this movie is, in my opinion, amazing. i cannot speak highly enough of it, i promise. i know a lot of people have spoken badly of it. but you should listen to me and see it anyway.

the thing about it is that it is so well-written and the plot is so well-conceived. it’s both complex and simple at the same time. pretty much no other movie that i’ve seen recently has the ability to grip the viewer so completely and enthrall them. it sort of reminded me of when i was writing that fractured fairy tale murder mystery game. you have to create all these ulterior motives and sub-story lines which connect in novel ways in order to make the spectacle interesting. MKS movies do that. he writes and directs a damn fine movie.

besides that, he has some incredible talent in the film. this new girl, bryce dallas howard, is stunning. her playing of the character ivy walker is superb. flawless, delicate beauty. joaquin phoenix is also amazing, playing a character type i don’t think i’ve ever seem him do before. versatile. william hurt is fantastic. cherry jones’ ‘i love you’ speech is delightful. sigourney weaver i could give or take. but she had some great moments, particularly when interacting with william hurt at the wedding. adrien brody also does a tremendous job, i thought.

5 hours after watching this movie, i was watching something else back at home and all i wanted to do was go back and see the village again. in comparison to it all other movies in the last few days have paled. it sort of glows with the vibrancy of the good (yellow) and bad (red) colors. excellent, excellent film.

(phill theatre, 8/13/04, with mom, 2:00pm)

i didn’t realize that the dood playing andrew was callum blue (from the showtime original ‘dead like me’). i love that dood!

this movie is cute. it’s also complete fluff. not as well-written as it could be. and sort of poor in the acting department all around. except for hector eli-whatever. he was fine.

but i do like anne hathaway a lot. so pretty with the hair and the eyes. though now that the hair is shorter it’s not quite the same. and she wore some very pretty dresses.

i don’t think anyone i know who reads this page would like this movie. but i look forward to seeing it with kristen when it comes out on dvd as she has already declared we shall.