after a week of excitement in portland everytime i saw a MAX train with a billboard on the side, or a preview on the TV, or a sexy bare midriff, i saw ultraviolet on saturday with gene.
WHO was aware that she was playing a VAMPIRE? or as kurt wimmer likes to label it, a hemophage. who was even aware that this wasn’t a third sequel in the resident evil series? well, i was totally cognizant of the second, but the first came as an absolute surprise like an hour into the movie. well, maybe 45 minutes. the point is, there’s these people with some disease running around and finally a good portion of the way in, someone comes out and calls another a vampire. a vampire for fuck’s sake. were they trying to fool us into thinking it wasn’t underworld in the previews? to what purpose? milla jovovich is way hotter than kate beckinsale. and there were no lycans in this movie. so scott speedman? right out. the love interest in ultraviolet would probably be the 12 year old boy named six. you might think this would make it right up my alley. and dammit you’d be right.
the evil force in ultraviolet was actually a health insurance company. or, by easy extension, any corporation that takes away the rights and liberties of the common man. and then tries to kill the entire human race in order to keep them under control. brilliant thinking.
that was sarcasm. no thought went into this movie. also, i would say, not much money judging by the writing, the plot, the special effects, and the really odd airbrushing of colors. except maybe that last cost a lot. to make anybody’s skin look that perfect might take a lot of po-pro. or concealer and powder. who knows.
(small, ashamed voice) i still sort of liked it. milla is just way too sexy.
As the other attendee at this screening, I’d like to add the following. I went, thinking it would be bad but in a good way. I was expecting mind blowing special effects and a shitty plot. Instead it was a shitty plot and oddly retro special effects. The CG was straight out of 1999. No excuse for that with a 30 million dollar budget. Also Milla’s character was downright bizarre. One moment she’s a well oiled killing machine, then seemingly with no motivation becomes a lost-in-the-world-losing-control-of-her-life hemophage, and then back again.
Ahh well, Kurt Wimmer’s offense against nature and filmaking has been reflected in the damning 3.9 of 10 rating on IMDB.
He also appears in a cameo in the roll of “Speak-No-Evil Phage”