(click to see more pictures)
the whole nuala moving thing was kind of unrealistic to me until about half an hour ago as i was tearing thru berkeley singing loudly along with ben folds ‘you better watch out because i’m gonna say ‘fuck,’ you better watch out because i’m gonna say ‘fuck,’ you better watch out because i’m gonna say ‘fuck’… ‘FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK,'” on my way home from san francisco dropping off kristen after having driven all the way to santa barbara and back in one day. but about half an hour ago i realized fully that she’s moved away. far away. again. which has happened before obviously. as we’ve both moved far away at times. though i think she wins hands down for that time she moved to london. that was pretty damn far.
i started realizing it when i had to hug her good bye; when i figured out how much i was actually going to miss her. but then i pushed the unpleasant thoughts to the back of my brain for about 5 hours while kristen and i talked about things like summer fling cosmo kid quizes, taking motorcycle lessons, and clit-teasers (i still like to say ‘cock-tease’ even when referencing a girl doing it to me. it fascinates me how i’m more ok with the word ‘cock’ than i am with the word ‘clit’. i think it’s jason’s fascination with the word which has predisposed me towards it.)
anyway, for those 5 hours there was too much dirty talk going on to think about how the one person i have seen consistantly 5 days a week for the last year and a half is no longer here. it’s pretty bad when i couldn’t even make it thru more than one day of work without her before i gave notice at my job. but seriously, i’ve become completely dependent on her being there in the car with me on the way to and from our hated jobs, at the movies with me seeing terrible films (although she has a higher level of discrimatory power than me, who sees everything), picking up dinner when we’re starving, picking glass out of our hair when i get in an accident, bitching about work and people and life and buffy and terrible books and good books; but mostly just being with me and around me. what am i going to do without her right there? a large part of my life will change, is already changing. and it makes me sad. it makes me sad too that last night was her last night here in the bay area for who knows how long and i didn’t even spend it with her. well, that makes me more angry at myself than sad. but still.
ducky, i miss you already. piggy, we need to just *test* drive around at midnite more often.
love,
muppet
