Nyotaimori

basic plot: scarlett johannsen gets an insubstantial visitor–the ghost of a dead reporter–while in the magic disappearing box of splendini, played by woody allen. she then goes on quest to follow up the ghost’s scoop of the century–the identity of the ‘tarot card killer’, who may or may not be peter lyman, the son of lord lyman, played by hugh jackman.

it’s rather distressing watching scarlett johannsen channel woody allen. especially when she’s standing next to him and he’s also talking. it turns out she’s best when she has one word lines because she can’t actually deliver them in a woody manner then.

though you get them exchanging lines like:

SJ: stop telling people i sprang from your loins.

WA: did you accomplish anything besides a possible pregnancy?

hilarious.

hugh jackman does not play woody allen. it’s probably because he’s too hot. he does however react in an unfeigned manner when woody allen tells him that scarlett, his “daughter”, once dressed up as petunia pig for a masked ball. a delighted snort of laughter = adorable.

some elements of the movie were a delightful surprise: scenes on charon’s boat, giles’ cameo, and a smart car appearance. plus, of course, the petunia pig line.

Not only was my glamorous reviewer friend Jason kind enough to extend a press pass to me for an advance screening of ‘John Tucker Must Die’, but he was also delightful enough of an acquaintance to grant me a compliment.

“Ooo, fancy. What’s up with the dress?” Jason queried, “You going to the prom or something?”

“In point of fact, I shall be attending the prom, on the arm of John Tucker,” I snootily replied.

“You bitch! John Tucker is mine!” Jason screamed.

“Whores! I’m the slutty one!” yelled the middle-aged, balding man in front of us in line.

“Lying is bad!” we all chorused. “Food fight!”

If you think this review is simply too incomprehensible for words, than I don’t recommend seeing ‘John Tucker’ the movie either.

Whether it was Sophia Bush, fresh from her brief-marriage-to-Chad-Michael-Murray fame, being a slutty vegan activist or Ashanti, I liked her in ‘Bride & Prejudice’ but really not in the ‘Muppets Wizard of Oz’, being an aggressive head-cheerleader, OR Arielle Kebbel, Dean’s wife from ‘Gilmore Girls, anyone?, being an overachiever (and apparently Maxim’s 2005 95th Hot 100)–this movie had many low points. Most of which stemmed from the casting of Brittany Snow, the precocious teenage daughter from ‘American Dreams’, as the female lead, Kate.

Notwithstanding the fact that her on-screen mom was played by Jenny McCarthy and thus she should be cut a little slack right from the beginning, Snow is just not that good of an actress. Or eye candy. Hell, her similarly TV-morphing-into-movies co-star from ‘American Dreams’, Vanessa Lengies, did a better job in ‘Stick It’. At least when Lengies says, “They’re not called gym-NICE-tics”, I could believe her acting skills unlike Snow’s, “I didn’t have a pen.”–in response to the sexy gardener from ‘Desperate Housewives’, (Jason Metcalfe), asking why she didn’t call him after he spouted his phone number over the school’s intercom system for her.

Admittedly, the first 20 minutes were not half bad. Quite intelligently funny, really, but I gave up almost all hope when the secondary male lead appeared singing Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles’ song from ’10 Things I Hate About You’–‘I want you to want me’–and even having Ledger’s hair. The blatant rip off of this and the utilization of the song again at the end clinched the desperate nature of ‘John Tucker Must Die’ trying to be funny, trying to be a parody, trying to be good and failing. Like a whipped boy in a thong, I give this movie…squished balls, the gift that keeps on giving.