Categotry Archives: General

for someone who was cut open today to remove all possibilities of motherhood, my new kitten is remarkably active.

last year on gilmore girls, there was an episode where sookie was helping lorelai plan her wedding to luke. he kept interrupting with questions or assumptions and she would yell at him every time, “luke! who am i?!” and he would reply in a tone of irritated bemusement so common to his character, “you’re sookie.” and sookie would get a gleam in her eye while asserting, “no. i’m the BFOTB–the Best Friend Of The Bride.”

this weekend was my turn to be the BFOTB. erica and i drove down to san diego on saturday to spend all day sunday shopping for wedding dresses with marina. marina, as you may or may not know, is getting married next august to mark. i’m to be the maid of honor/bridesmaid/ONLY ONE. that’s a lot of responsibility for me. i mean, i already started hyperventilating at the thought of making a toast at the reception. picture me standing up, turning as bright red as my dress and saying in a very quick, squeaky voice, “congratulations to mark and marina! and…many happy returns.” and then missing my seat and splaying out on the ground in my haste to sit back down. this is going to be a disaster, people. anyone thinking of asking me to be a bridesmaid after viewing this farce will quickly rethink their decision, i am sure.

so, as you can imagine, we tried on many dresses on sunday. we also tried on quite a few that marina had pre-ordered from nordstroms in the privacy of her home. which, let me tell you, is an excellent way to try on dresses and realize that you are not at all the size you thought you were. it also, apparently, is an opportunity for marina to be remarkably unselfconsciously nude.

in the out-of-the-house shopping excursion, we didn’t buy any wedding dresses. erica did buy a lot of work clothes, and i did buy a completely irresponsible pair of high heels. i couldn’t resist their teal satiny gloss with ribbon tie! i probably should have resisted their excruciating height and narrow toe though. i’m still convinced i can find a bridesmaid dress to match them. not, admittedly, if marina has anything to say about it.

at one store (i believe it was neiman marcus) we discovered an amazing collection of goth dresses. i tried for an oddly extensive period to convince erica that i could wear this black lace dress with a white underlayer and have fingerless white lace gloves and a lace maid’s headband and be the absolute epitome of a cute goth-loli. she didn’t even really acknowledge my argument with words. she lifted an eyebrow and then walked away from me while i shook the dress at her in entreaty.

i want to point out that i could totally wear a black dress with a white/cream sash if marina got the BCBG dress with the black bust sash. how cute would that be?! especially if the boys wear black suits and not navy ones. navy, feh. you give this some thought, marina. because that dress, and its secretive photo op, is still my favorite. well…except i do still like the lace one. and the fish fin one is totally growing on me. though, i think it’s possible i will like best the one you’re getting friday OR that one at the stupid bridal store with all the buttons.

anyone in the market for 2 kittens? they’re 8 weeks old, solid gray, brother and sister. i, obviously, can’t take them, but if any of you, my loyal readers, are interested, let me know and i’ll put you in contact with the woman who rescued them from the streets and a life of crime.

my brother got a puppy and named him TYSON. there are so many things wrong with this development.

today i went bra shopping at macy’s and now i must vent.

now some people, understandably, may think bra shopping is a wonderful feminine mystery of lace, silk, and pushed up, pushed together boobage. let me gently disillusion you. bra shopping sucks like being broken up with sucks. there’s a sense of worthlessness and a complete apathy towards continuing with your life afterwards. this is compounded if you really liked the dastardly dumper/have a large chest.

i’ll tell you something about having an enormous rack. it’s not all double-D jokes about being top-heavy, my friends. having a cup size in the double letters means you basically have access to the most hideously ugly fabrics known to man. it’s all synthetic polyfibers with a dearth of lace and an even greater paucity of colors. when you’ve got big breasts you’re offered 3 main colors: white. black. khaki. that is all.

people with A-C cups get offered lacy confections of pure artistry! they’e offered MUTLIPLE COLORS in the same bra. what i wouldn’t give for multi-colored bras! sometimes there’s even lace ON TOP of lace. i’m offered bras that promise to minimize my bounty. you know what this actually entails? pushing the breasts out and down. that’s not minimizing, that’s accentuating the sag of old age.

i hate the bra industry and now i hate my life and my day. thanks a lot, macy’s.

today i had jury duty. as some of you might recall, i was actually supposed to have jury duty last week. but i forgot to go. ha ha ha, $1,500 fine or possible jail time, i spit in your face. nothing but rescheduling happened to me.

this morning, i got up and showered before 8am. a shocking turn of events. and then drove to the courthouse in martinez. it immediately became apparent to me that jury duty is a very lame and boring interruption of my days of laziness. i sat in the waiting room for 2 hours doing homework and listening to my IPOD. 12 people got called and went away to be on a jury. the rest of us sat. finally at 11, 50 of us got called to be on a jury selection process. unfortunately for me, i was juror #12. actually ON the jury already. a sad day in the neighborhood, my friends. my tail drooped to dropping and i sat under my own little cloud of gloom. for an hour the judge nattered on in his senile way and then started asking the potential jurors questions. i made googly eyes at the assistant district attorney and the defendant. also the other jurors, the court recorder woman, the judge, the freakish looking defendant attorney, and the singing gun-toting black woman guard. it was incredibly dull. i attempted to get out of the whole nonsense by saying i was a student and had to go to class on friday. but it was only supposed to be a 3 day trial so they said tough luck. after that i tried nothing and just sat and was agreeable. though i did keep catching eyes with the assistant DA and the defendant. smiling.

we went to lunch. i called kristen and complained vociferously about the boredom and stupidity. kristen tried to coax me into admiring the legal system. it didn’t work.

from 1:30 to 3:30, i continued being juror #12 as other jurors disappeared all around me. one old man cried and had to go into chambers before he was excused. i was a little worried for him. he was old, after all. then the lawyers asked us questions. neither asked me anything. i sat patiently smiling politely at people, settling into my swivel chair for a 3 day stay.

and then, AND THEN, the assistant DA excused me. she excused me first and only! i was excused! given a slip of paper and sent on my way! and why?, i ask you! why was i excused out of all the people in the room? because i’m young and female and they were trying a young male for joy-riding in a car! ecstasy! certainly i offered no other resistance to the process and had nothing against car thieves, relationships with lawyers or police officers, or incidents of personal injury to report. i had no moral problems with serving (or at least i didn’t reveal any). no one asked me any questions at all really. and yet she excused me.

i sort of love her now. she was kind of cute. also married, so i’m not getting any ideas. but thank god i made eye contact with her and also with the defendant. she must have suspected me of being sympathetic to his plight or something. though i wasn’t. i’m pretty sure he was guilty and distrustful of the whole bit about not being able to say someone’s guilty when you’ve heard no evidence. well, i admit i wasn’t being fair. maybe she knew that too. though if so then i was on her side and she should have kept me. or maybe lawyers just don’t like people under 30 (jason’s thought). or students. whatever. it doesn’t matter now because i’m free! gloriously set free from stupid jury duty of boringness.

With The Vet

Vet: I have good news! She has pancreatitus!

Me: Uh. how is that good, exactly?

(Apparently the pancreas is not a necessary organ for survival in cats. Hooray!)

With The Comcast Guy

Comcast Guy: What are you doing up there?

Me: I haven’t had internet for FIVE DAYS. Where do you expect me to be if not climbing the walls, you goddamn nose-wipe?

With 4th Graders

Bianca: Is that a real tattoo?

Me: Um, yes.

Brody: Are you a real girl?

Me: Stupid punk fourth graders.

With Punk the Cat

Punk: mufflemmmmfllle

Me: Shit goose! Put the freaking mouse down!

With The Mouse I Saved From Punk

Mouse: (shudder, shudder)

Me: I know I’m grateful you still have your head too, but don’t get carried away and bite me. I will fully drop you from a (not-so)-great height.

With A Cloud

Me: You’re pretty.

Cloud:

With Myself:

Me: You’re pretty.

Me: You’re an idiot.