Categotry Archives: Movie Reviews


the girl next door


Categories: Movie Reviews

(metreon, by self, 4/17/04, 3:40pm)

it’s high school porn! brilliant (in the british intonation)! with homophobic undertones voiced by the dood from joan of arcadia who calls joan, ‘jane’! less than brilliant!

i admit to liking this movie. at the same time i was kind of horrified by how much it bashed “fags”.

“the beach is for fags.” -eli

“you know what? you guys are fags.” -matt

“it’s a cool ride, huh?” -kelly (male)

“yeah, if you’re a fag.” -jocks


“eli, i like this girl!” -matt

“and you can still like her with your penis inside of her.” -eli

oh man, was it ever that sort of movie. that kind where high school boys swear, watch porn, and only think about sex, EVER. except this one guy who *likes* the girl, gets good grades, and never puts a toe out of line. except in this movie when he puts the toe over, follows it with his penis, and then falls in the pool with all his clothes on. ah the old adage about growing up and the adventures along the way wherein you fall in love with porn stars, make a porn video, and fuck with pinp porn executives. it’s just like my life, i can totally relate. all right, now i’m being sarcastic.

honestly though, i do kind of have a soft spot in my heart for movies about gutter-minded high school boys. why is that? i think it’s just because i have a crush on my memories of all the boys i knew in high school and how i was pretty much like them. and still sort of am. except for the fag-bashing. cause i don’t truck with that stuff.

“shut the fuck up. next question. faster!” -eli

and they all live happily ever after.




Categories: Movie Reviews

(metreon, with mom, snuck in, 4/15/04, 3:50pm)

i was so excited about this movie. this movie was hideously lame. much like jason right now is a gimp on crutches, this movie couldn’t amble if it tried.

the dialogue! oh crap the dialogue! it was like, “i am going to be extremely dead-pan humor, nonchalant hero, sardonic, laconic hellboy now. watch me drops these pearls of perfect script for you, oh wait, wait for it, i slipped and puked poop all over you instead.”

moral of the movie: what makes a man a man? (thus to grant humanity to the hell boy) the choices he makes, not how he starts, but how he chooses to end things. the end.

yeah, the lame choices, the bad acting, the stupidity, and bad fighting skills. heh. you suck, movie, suck.


ella enchanted

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Categories: Movie Reviews

(Metreon, with mom, 4/15/04, 2:10pm)

once again i read the book right before going to see this. i need to learn not to do that. the book, though, is excellent. witty even. the movie is fluff. with some odd additions to the concept. prominent among these is the species/race discrimination and prince fan club that runs rampant through the whole thing. there’s also some really bad CG work done which puts you in mind of a crap computer game. and a lot of singing. i quite enjoyed the singing even as a i flinched in shame for liking the singing. anne hathaway though is actually not a bad singer. she belts out ‘somebody to love’ in quite a convincing fashion. plus, she’s really pretty with all that hair and those big brown eyes. sigh.

there’s a lot of lame jokes in this movie. like the Frell flower bed and community center, the IV Seasons Hotel, the mall opening, her dad looking at the want ads in the paper, minnie driver and the bend it like beckham indian girl being in this movie. at the very end of the movie, BiLB girl shouts at anne hathaway, “good luck, ella!” it’s like one of the 10 lines she has in the whole movie. my mouth just kind of dropped open at this point though because what the hell was she *doing* in this movie? sheesh.

fluffy but fun, i give my support.



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Categories: Movie Reviews

(emeryville 16 with ellie, 4/11/04)

attention to detail made this movie. like you had to keep a special eye out just to take in all the props, where they were placed, whether they had dust on them. it was all integral. it was all…important. and kind of the camera paid loving attention to it all. like poetry.

what is with the coen brothers and that mannerism that all their lead actors takes on though? i mean…george clooney is always somehow the same guy in thier films, and now tom hanks was sort of the same guy too. branch out, people.

the music soundtrack was excellent. the cat kept changing. (it would develop fatness, different fur lengths, different patterns. odd.)

ultimately, interesting movie, well done, sort of dull.


eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

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Categories: Movie Reviews

(emeryville 16 with jason, erica, and jolie)

the editing of this movie is awesome. and awe-inspiring. and semi-confusing at first.

i tried half-heartedly to assign hair colors to the periods of the film. i really wanted them to have a comprehensive aspect. she names some of them. blue ruin, red menace, agent orange. i forget what green was. someone else should see this movie and then give me evidence for my hair color theory. or i could see it again. it should be out on dvd soon i imagine.

in my notes i have, “all the books in a memory turned white”. i think this is referring to the scene in the bookstore where she works and he’s trying to get her to run with him….man, i saw this a long time ago. anyway, what i think i meant is that they turn blank. except maybe not. did the spines of the books on the shelf turn white? does anyone else remember this? maybe this could further my color scheme ideas. dammit. the very beginning of the movie everything was grey. what’s it like at the very end?

sunshine isn’t only yellow.



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Categories: Movie Reviews

this movie had me internally screaming happily, “horsies!” and “kitties!” in turns whenever the horses or leopards were on screen. not only was this a true story, it’s also a good story. watching bedouins makes me want to be one. i want to ride horsies all over that desert and wear those clothes and pet those kitties. my wants are many, my accomplishments few.

see this movie, you too could be cheering for hidalgo the horse.


starsky & hutch

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Categories: Movie Reviews

this movie i saw for free with gene who had comp tickets. i even got a free poster which subsequently was given to my brother and which has now been framed and sits on the floor. fat lot of good the framing did if it’s just going to molder on the floor in my opinion. but whatever, not my poster, not my problem.

this movie = fucking hilarious. the writing, the acting, the jokes; it’s all top-notch, my friends. i laughed really hard. the allusions to the 70’s, snoop dogg, will ferrell’s dragon syndrome, korean midget knife thrower, and ben stiller going, “do it! …. do it!” were delightful.

in the credits at the end there are some out-takes/bloopers, one of which is starsky and hutch walking towards the camera in slow-mo and a lot of pigeons fly up around them. this, i think, is a homage to john woo movies, which can also be seen reflected in the buddy-buddy, self-narcissistic homosexuality, male objectification, etc, but mostly just the slow-mo pigeons/doves things. i enjoy those slo-mo walking things. they do that (ben stiller and ed norton) in keeping the faith too. love it!

i strongly promote this movie.

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