(Editor’s note: to see the first installment in the snow trilogy(?perhaps there will be more?) click on more and read it all. most of you probably got it in an email yesterday anyway. end note.)
Dethroned
Well, okay, maybe I jumped the gun a bit when I accepted the anointment from the council of elders (actually it was three stuffed animals and a bottle of Cortizone). It turns out that snow was just conning me, playing me for a fool. A very very cold fool. It continued to snow through Sunday night and all yesterday and even some of today. I spent the better part of yesterday and this morning shoveling the previously mentioned driveway (it goes on for daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays. It�s like �Roots.�) I had to be at an interview at nine this morning, and I thought I would be fine. I put so much of my sweat and tears and bile into that driveway (Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays!) that I couldn�t even imagine the car not accepting the hard work I put in. I was wrong, of course, and the car kept spitting up snow and bile but not budging. Also, every time I would try to leave the garage, the car (which is a van, not a car) would scrape the roof. I didn�t understand at the time why this was happening, but the snow was still so high outside that it was pushing the van far into the sky. So I get out and call the people at the interview to say I may be a half-day late and put another excruciating hour of work and bile into the driveway (the length of which is like the coastline of New Hampshire if it were an island). After that hour I was shoveling out more bile than snow, so FINALLY the lady next door�who had a snow blower thing and didn�t really look like she wanted to share it�gets all friendly and neighborly and says, �Oh, would you like to use the blower?� I said yes, even though I was practically done by that point (I couldn�t turn down the opportunity to use a snow blower. I highly recommend the experience, by the way). But then when I get the car out of the garage finally, the mechanical door won�t close properly, so I try to make it go back up, and it doesn�t want to do that either. So I get out and help it. In the final analysis, I didn�t really end up helping it so much as send a heavy rain of glass shattering on the floor. Yep, broke it. Some of the structure of the door, too, though I sort of pieced it back together after getting out all of the glass. I don�t feel too bad about it, though, considering the cards were all stacked against me, meteorologically speaking. But I do guess it�s partly my fault for not diagnosing the problem of the car hitting the roof quickly enough. It certainly doesn�t help my guilt that my aunt and uncle should be getting my email about the door right after the message about her brother being dead. No joke�the other brother called me to see what the best way to get a hold of her was.
On the more positive end of the spirit stick, I got a job as a preschool teacher. I went today (four hours late, after having to navigate the vast tundra of my driveway in reverse. I couldn�t turn around, it�d be like turning around on a bobsledding track) and got the position immediately, and then immediately thereafter met the most adorable children in the world, and then immediately thereafter was totally bored by my responsibilities there, but then was immediately thereafter ecstatic to learn that only the female employees could change diapers�Yeah, arbitrariness!
That�s it. Love Jason
Turns out I�m the King of Snow
The big news of the week is that I kicked snow�s ass. And it wasn�t even that hard. It�s momma clearly never taught it how to fight.
I had a dinner date last night with Jacob�s parents (it was lovely) where they live, near the Jersey Shore. I don�t live anywhere near the Jersey Shore. It�s a good hour and some when the weather is good, and I can now say with confidence that when the weather is bad, it�s a good two and a half. It was fine on the way there, but it got real ugly on the way back. According to the news, I drove last night through the worst storm in seven years. And I�m not dead! In fact, I�m not dead to such an extent that I�ve been crowned the King of Snow by a council of elders. Seriously, it was scary as fuck. I had no idea what Jesus could unleash until last night. The governor declared a state of emergency and closed all the highways to non-emergency vehicles. So I was an outlaw, too! It was perfect, too, cause I had my outlaw music playing (16 Horsepower) and was passing bulldozer things right and left and I was feeling like I could even smoke a cigarette. Actually the tape recorder fucked up, so it played a couple 16 Horsepower songs and then skipped to the next CD in the player, my uncle�s copy of Bye Bye, Birdie. That made me really mad and so I felt like even more of an outlaw. The radio said to stay the cock off the roads because you can get stopped and fined just for being on the highway, and I thought, �Yeah, like a cop is gonna pull me over into a heap of snow, get out of his nice warm cruiser and give me a ticket when there�s bodies to go dig out somewhere.� Plus, they saw that I was kicking snow�s ass�they must have understood that they wouldn�t have fared much better. Actually, I didn�t feel so much like an outlaw as a scared Panda bear. It�s difficult to feel tough when you�re driving in what amounts to an eighty-mile school zone.
Point is I got home safe and sound. And the pipes aren�t frozen like I thought they might be. I even did that thing they tell you to do where you leave the water running a bit so that the party never stops in the plumbing.
And the storm is supposed to quit it this evening, which is good, cause I have an interview tomorrow for a position as a pre-school teacher. They seemed pretty excited to see me, which tells me that a.) I�ll probably get the job and b.) it�s going to suck cock. But I am kind of excited about the prospect of working with the littlest pischers of them all, kids who would probably drown in little doily flakes of snow if they went outside right now. Seriously you guys, this is some fucked up shit. I�ve never seen so much of anything in my life, let alone snow. I think you need a visual to truly appreciate the magnitude, grandiosity, and voluminousness:
Jason�s Head
Jason�s Head
Jason�s Head
Jason�s Head
Jason�s Head
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso Jason�s Torso
Jason�s Two Degrees of Separation
from Jackie Mason
Jason�s Shapely Legs Jason�s Shapely Legs
Jason�s Shapely Legs Jason�s Shapely Legs
Jason�s Shapely Legs Jason�s Shapely Legs
Jason�s Shapely Legs Jason�s Shapely Legs
Jason�s Shapely Legs Jason�s Shapely Legs
Jason�s Shapely Legs Jason�s Shapely Legs
Jason�s Shapely Legs Jason�s Shapely Legs
Jason�s Shapely Legs Jason�s Shapely Legs
Jason�s Shapely Legs Jason�s Shapely Legs
Jason�s Shapely Legs Jason�s Shapely Legs
Jason�s Shapely Legs Jason�s Shapely Legs
Jason�s Knee Caps Jason�s Knee Caps
Jason�s Knee Caps Jason�s Knee Caps
SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW!
The fact that I have no arms was an aesthetic decision. I didn�t lose them in my drunken bar brawl with Mother Nature.
In other news, I don�t hate the dog nearly the way I used to. She�s actually kind of sweet, though I�ve discovered I�m definitely a cat person. Me and the dog just don�t see eye to eye on the amount of physical activity a body should be subjected to in a day. Her argument is that there definitely should be some, and I am from another camp entirely.
In other other news, I miss you all like the cure for the plague of the twentieth century that Sean Connery has now lost. But I�m pretty happy here, I think.
That�s all I care to say at the moment. Hope to here from you all soon.
Love Jason
Editor’s note: i apologize for jason’s head not being properly situated on his body, i am still having some difficulty formatting with MT even with all the new spangled features. deal with the head over the left shoulder, my friends, pretend jason has become a default hunchback, i dinna care.
p.s. sorry hunchback-jason.
oh, jason. you wacky fella. listen though, if her brother is dead then won’t she sort of…come home? thus putting you out of a job?
I was kind of worried about that myself, but from what I understand, they weren’t all that close. And from the email I got from them, it doesn’t really sound like she’s packing her bags and coming back. And if she were, I almost guarantee she’d be in and out, just enough to attend the funeral.
Yeah, but are they pissed about the garage door?
And sweet about the no diaper changing clause.
No, I really played up the Storm of Biblical Proportions thing and was just vague about how exactly it happened. They seemed more apologetic that I had to deal with it than anything.
jason!!! i am coming to visit you april 16-20!
i couldn’t get off the march dates. but these ones have been approved! eeee-yawww!
Yeahhhhhhhh!
Yes!
I’m coming with her!!!! Not really. Thought I’d try out my lying thing that Kris is teaching me. I think the trick is not to say that it’s a lie right away.
I disagree. It helps the people your lying to plan their week.
Hmmm…I distinctly remember having my diaper changed by a male teacher in pre-school…I’m pretty sure that is why I am gay. Dude, Jason, you could get soooooo many toaster ovens out of this job. Screw decorum.
As tempting as turning children gay sounds, the more tempting sound is the sound of me saying, “Hey, could you take care of that?” and pass the buck(et of shit) to one of the teenage girls who are my coworkers.
Also, turns out they hired someone else for the teaching position and so they just hired me as a assistant. I don’t really care, but they made such a fuss about me applying for the teacher’s position and not the assistant. Now they’ve changed their tune. Oh well, easier job, not that much less pay.