Tag Archives: work


Dan “Smells Like A Victoria’s Secret” R.

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Yes, sometimes I do feel I post too many work stories. But you know what? I am a cog in the wheel now. Almost all my most interesting things happen at work these days. Also, it’s this or nothing. Don’t complain.

Today Dan stopped by my desk at 8:30 in the morning.

Dan: Can I ask you a weird question?

Me: (suspicious intrigued [sleepy] face) Yes?

Dan: Do you have any lotion?

5 minutes later it still smells like a tropical flower garden up in here. I only have very smelly lotion. A fact for which I apologize by IM to Dan.

Dan: Mixed with my fierce masculinity, it makes for a highly intriguing scent over here.

Me: It will draw admirers like locusts. Possibly actual locusts. i’m not sure what they are drawn by.

Dan: The apocalypse?

Me: Poop?

Dan: The apoopalypse?


Growing Goats

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This week at my job we signed a new university to the product. Every time this happens, the sales person sends out an email to the office with details about the new school. This one said a lot of things. A lot of great things. But the most IMPORTANT thing it said was that they have, “the Goat Research Institute (whose mission it is to train people in the developing world how to grow goats)”.

Yes. You read that correctly.

Alison: wait don’t people in “the developing world” know all about goats? is goat raising not an ancient situation? sometimes all of this “school” nonsense chaps my ass

Alison: meanwhile sarah just asked me if she should buy a toaster oven or a microwave

Michele: these are the tough questions. the “biggies”. developing world’s are asking, “how do we raise goats? like our father’s father’s father? or like [name redacted to protect the innocent goats] University says?”

Michele: but this toaster/microwave debate seems more important


My Sweet Nuggs


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At the end of the work day some of us sometimes enter a stage of heightened ridiculousness where odd things are hilarious and no one who wasn’t there can understand why. I’m pretty sure this is hilarious no matter who you are though.

Kelsey: DIDBRENDASENDYOUTHIS  http://imgur.com/gallery/jNtaDTi  I’M TOO EXCITED

Me: yes. wait. sorry, I mean. YES OMG OMG BBQ LOL OMG

Kelsey: BBQ? noooooo we don’t cook otters, michele

Me: it’s a thing. among my friends.

Kelsey: show me the urban dictionary page

Me: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=omgbbq

Me: oh, i forgot the WTF part. WTFOMGBBQLOL.

Kelsey: definition: A heightened level of excitement due to the fact you have detected the presence of barbecue sauce for those delectable chicken nuggs you were preparing to devour.

Me: precisely. EXACTAMUNDO.

Kelsey: how long do you think team 8’s meeting is tomorrow?

Me: /me shrugs

Kelsey: garrett isn’t coming to the meeting!!


(we both descend into atrocious giggling making Brenda and Allen feel terribly left out and then had to go regroup in the kitchen.)




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There are many ways to offer someone compliments and best wishes on a new position. At my job we do it in the most nerd-like fashion possible. Here are the four favorites that I came up with, they’re 50% Firefly-centric because it is the best. If you click on 1-3 they’ll be actual animated gifs.


"Have fun in your job of the future!"

“Have fun in your job of the future!”


boo dream hag from princess bride

In a conversation with Kelsey talking about something else she said, “BOOOO! BoooooooOOOOOOOooooo!!” I called her “Wartish Dream Hag” and sent her a video. Her response? “I might have to send that to B.” I laughed so loud it was embarrassing in our silent office.


firefly wash this land dinosaurs

“But seriously, super thrilled for all the technogeekery wonderfulness you will DEVelop!”


nathan fillion saying off come my pants on a talk show.

“Nathan Fillion wanted to congratulate you personally. With his dick.”


Second Hand Review of Patrick Stewart’s Panty Lines

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There’s a new girl at work I have a slight girl-crush on. You know what I mean where she’s just so pretty and witty? But not so much where you hate her, where instead you just want her around all the time. It doesn’t hurt that she thinks I’m awesome and tells me so often.

I was IM’ing with her last week about a Disney movie, Teen Beach Movie, I’d half-heartedly seen part of the night before while making lemon curd cupcakes (which she referred to as “soul-balm” and thanked me effusively by telling me I was a darling and she loved me).

Emily then introduced me to the word “butterface” to refer to one of the Teen Beach leads.



I professed him as adorbs. Emily’s response? “you have a loving heart.” But seriously, who uses “butter” derogatorily? Isn’t this like Sean’s joke about how “It sucks” should be a good thing? Butter is delicious not just to those with loving hearts like me but to all the peoples, everywhere. Maybe not the peoples with allergies to dairy. But they can suck it.

Emily continued to disagree with me: “i mean, ok, if you’re into this little fella, i accept you. i guess i like men who look like roman warriors. at the play the other night, i was like: “god, patrick stewart. he’s really GOT it. om nom nom.”
poor butter. the BUTT-er of so many unfounded jokes.

Pretty sure this is precisely what she meant.

Pretty sure this is precisely what she meant.

Me: butter-face is much older in the movie than in that picture you found
and patrick stewart is ALSO much older now than in that picture I just found

Emily: hahahaha.

Me: p.stew is in fact OLD

Emily: his face is HANDSOME

Me: well, that is true
but he has old man BUTT

Emily: i could totally see he was wearing high cut undies in the play because he was crawling around.
patrick stewart that is.
i saw his undie lines.

you are making me jealous AND nauseous
was the play good?

Emily: that’s probably the right reaction.
it was WAY too abstract.

Me: cause i don’t love pinter
that’s why i don’t love pinter

Emily: exactly. it was like beckett tries to be oscar wilde TOO briefly and then is back to beckett.
= pinter.

Me: this is why even tho i really wanted to see THEM
i really didn’t want to see the PLAY

Emily: i was on the front row, and therefore was, like, twenty feet from their persons. THAT was cool. but i wished they were, like, in a comedy of manner or something. something with an actual plot.

Me: well at least you got to see their persons at a range of 20 feet before you, (or they, probably they), died.
that’s pretty rad

Emily: i did think about that. i’m into it. but i did want them to point to me in the crowd and be like “you. you’re a star. come party with us.”

Me: well sure. that’s just normal reaction

Emily: sigh. i am like everyone else after all.

Me: no!
you’re totally special!
who did i tell about secret cupcakes?
sadly secret cupcakes are gone now

Emily: (weeps quietly)

Me: there was one left when i was in there

Emily: PAUL!



Routine Cat Jokes


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Fish Styx (my cat) is a creature of routine. He’s used to getting fed every morning by 6:05 and by 6:10 to be drinking water from the bathroom sink. Weekends are pretty upsetting for the both of us.

Upside down drinking

Upside down drinking

This week at work some of us were hanging out in the kitchen interrogating Morgan about her second date the night before and discussing cat jokes.

The joke was “What’s a cat’s favorite band?”

Morgan: Meow-se.
Me: Cat Stevens.

Paul walks into the kitchen.

Paul: Hey guys. What are you doing?
Sarah: Telling jokes about cats.
Paul, totally deadpan: There’s nothing funny about cats.

Morgan does a full on spit take.

Paul's cats. Nothing funny here.

Paul’s cats. Nothing funny here.


Wherein I, like Conan, long to hear the Lamentations Of The Women

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Today I got to be one of the top authors in the field of Television Commons for my Japanese Animation Senior Honors Thesis from the University of Puget Sound. You remember, THAT OLD THING. While IM’ing with a co-worker about other sundry things (primarily creepy stalking tendencies and the impulse to drill holes in things but really he’d just been asking if I wanted to come watch a training session), this lofty status of mine as a TOP AUTHOR was brought to life in new ways. Mostly depraved ways where I started a mighty war with the folks over in Film Commons. They’re going DOWN; I’ll cut a bitch.

Michele: staring at the wall takes up a lot of my time, you know.
but thanks for inviting me.
i like observing things.
(even walls).

Dave: well, I’m a theatre kid, so I like being observed
(even when I’m not actually doing anything)

Michele: i will drill a hole in my wall and then in paul’s wall and then in your wall
so i can observe you all the time
wow that’s not creepy at all

Dave: that…doesn’t sound creepy at all

Michele: i have a lot of creepy thoughts about drilling holes in walls to work through with a therapist. APPARENTLY.
first step: FIND A THERAPIST.
second step: HIDE MY DRILL

Dave: third step: FAME AND FORTUNE!!!

Michele: fourth step: NEVER LOOK BACK.
yes. this is a good plan.

Dave: fifth step: CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES
now it’s a perfect plan

Michele: my enemies being all those people who tried to take my drill and/or filled in the holes i drilled? yes. they deserve ABJECT CRUSHING.

Dave: http://ultimateconanfan.blogspot.com/2009/09/what-is-best-in-liferobot-chicken.html

Michele: i better start working out to be in shape for crushing my enemies. also i better make some enemies. or a nemesis. NEMESIS.

Dave: nemeses?

Michele: nemesissies. DEFINITELY.
for they will cry for their mommies and wet their pants
when i show up to CRUSH THEM.

Dave: working out is overrated, get yourself a giant fighting robo-ma-jig

Michele: sure. i’ll get right on constructing that. over here i have some push pins, paper clips, and a leafy plant to work with. what do you have to contribute?

Dave: ummm, I’ve got some sustainable tissues, an empty water cup, and a pair of chopsticks

Michele: USED chopsticks?

Dave: no, fresh-in-the-packaging chopsticks!

Michele: i can work with this.

Dave: http://images.cryhavok.org/d/11335-1/Dresden+Codak+-+I+Will+Do+Science.jpg

Michele: SCIENCE.
also, nemesis the goddess has “adamantine bridles” that restrain “the frivolous insolences of mortals.” according to wikipedia. nice.

Dave: yeah, there’s nothing wrong with that

Michele: i might have to science myself up some bridles to use on those insolent mortals in Film Commons. they think they’re better than us in Television Commons? THINK AGAIN, NEMESISSIES.

Dave: this might be one of my favorite conversations ever

Michele: you should save it for posterity when i’m famous. and/or when i get put in jail for trying to put bridles on unsuspecting academics.

Dave: either way you’d be famous


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