john = gross

my cousin john has a sick sense of humor, just so we’re clear. you know how i often take the joke one step too far? he always tops me on that. so anyway, john sent me this forward having to do with instant messaging cybersex. it’s partially funny and then partially gross i’m only posting two of them because it went downhill from there, but if you really care i can send you the other ones–just ask. (note: out of repercussion-fear, i just went and changed all the user names.)

BN: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

BS: Aight.

BN: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

BS: I slip out of my pants, just for you, BN.

BN: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BS: Oh, I like to play dress up.

BN: Me too baby.

BS: I kiss you softly on your chest.

BN: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

BS: Hey…

BN: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

BS: Funny I still don’t see it.

BN: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness.

BS: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

BN: Don’t fuck with me bitch, I’m the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

BN: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

BS: Don’t ever message me again you piece of shit.

BN: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.

BN: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik’s evil� army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

BN: You still there baby? I think it’s getting hard now.

BN: Baby?

——————-

BN: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don’t know how long I can keep it ready for you.

JG: thats ok. ok i’m a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.

BN: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.

JG: haha, ok lets go.

JG: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.

BN: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my

breeding territory.

JG: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.

JG: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.

BN: Rhinoceruses don’t wear shirts.

JG: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it’s just part of the game.

BN: Rhinoceruses don’t play games. They fucking charge your ass.

JG: stop, cmon be serious.

BN: It doesn’t get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.

BN: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.

JG: thats it.

BN: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll�suspended in the air on my mighty horn.

BN: Goddam am I hard now.