Convincing Danny to get a monkey instead of a dog
This endeavor actually met with very little success unless you count me getting laughed at as a rousing win on the side of righteousness. But come on, let’s all be honest here and split our farts* how would having a monkey improve Danny’s life? I think the answers are immeasurable. But to name a few: a monkey could be trained to use the toilet. We train children, and monkeys are like small children. Dogs would have a harder time balancing on top of the toilet. Next, the monkey can be trained to hoard his poo and throw it at people that you don’t like. People this might include: anyone passing by, MySpace Tom (he’s not our friend), or a landlord (not Christine). Danny expressed some skepticism for how the monkey would be trained to fling his poo. Now personally I am relatively assured that the monkey would just naturally take to poo flinging and poo smearing as a logical progression of the entire bowel movement process. This is Darwin-esque, people. However, I also promised that I would be more than happy to come over and squat a bit and show the monkey how it’s done. Danny responded to this suggestion by falling off his chair and refusing to ever invite me over, never ever.
Claudine totally fell for the monkey idea. Admittedly she agreed to it before learning of the poo smearing campaign the monkey would soon be undertaking.
Convincing Carolyn to let me wear Octopod on my head
This was actually twice successful. Not bad for an evening. An evening where I can claim to have worn an octopus (or an octopussy) on my head is always a stellar event.
Discovering that Christine is now my default best friend in the Bay Area
Also apparently the Maverick to my Goose. She’s already set us up with “dates” for next Friday at the Two Gallants show. I could grow to like this boy-acquiring-and-sharing new best friend. Kristen never gave me a boy. Well, that’s not true. Kristen never gave me a boy I liked. I’m sort of convinced the boy Christine is giving me is gay though, so I might be dropping her best friend status to stabber in the back rank on Saturday morning.
Discussing my burgeoning life of crime trading chinchillas (legal) for ferrets (illegal) and cocaine (really illegal)
…Seriously, do you want some cocaine? Or pot candy? I can at least do pot candy.
* if you watched as much Japanese anime as me you’d recognize this as a reference. In Japan there’s a phrase which translates to “split our guts”. Which, rather than implying seppuku, actually means to speak openly/honestly. But if you change the pronunciation of one kanji it can change to “split our farts” which means nothing and also sounds disgusting. But possibly endearing if you’re an 11 year old anime girl trying to talk earnestly to your male counterpart.
Reasons I’m not so sure I actually want a monkey:
1. Poo-hoarding, like houseguests, goes bad after three days.
2. Kristin decides I look like David Schwimmer. I have to start signing “DS” instead of “BD”.
3. In street performing acts, monkeys play the cymbals and pickpocket, whereas dogs do backflips through flaming hoops. (Okay, we’ll call that one a tie.)
4. I don’t like the idea of calling Claudine from prison and telling her “By the way, the monkey gave me herpes.” Then dying. Of herpes. That I got from a monkey.
5. Hell, I’d rather not get arrested on felony charges of “ownership of a nonhuman primate”. I’m already fighting three misdemeanor slave charges.
hell, poo-hoarding goes bad the moment poo becomes “hoard.”
i don’t like #4 either.
i do still like the monkey idea, though. just not the poo-flinging, poo-schmearing or poo-hoarding.
On a note not related to monkeys, did you know that out of 244 images found by Google’s image search for the word “nyataimori”, 239 of them are images from this blog? Of the remaining 5, one is of Tenacious D (what?) and the other 4 actually have to do with naked people and food.
These are the things that I do during spring break. Consider yourself special to be the subject of my internet time-wasting.
Ah, drat. That’s not because you’re more popular than naked sushi, that’s because you used an alternate spelling. That’s no fun.
what? how else is it spelled?
Nyotaimori, apparently. So says my Google research.
but…that’s wrong.