Tag Archives: kristen


So Disappointed. And Judgey.

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Today Kris and I are doing A Bit about Disappointed Turtle.

Readers, meet Disappointed Turtle,

disappointed turtle

Feel the shame

Kris thinks I should give people who don’t love JJ Fields as much as me the silent treatment (Ahem, Emily. Ahem, Kelsey). Even though in my office no one will know because we’re all silent all the time.

Kris: But Turtle will know. And he will judge.




Honestly, I could have continued speaking for Disappointed Turtle for another hour. Or at least several more minutes. But work intervened with its annoying tasks instead.

Having now seen JJ Fields in Austenland twice, he is possibly more my soup fantasy in it than in Soup (AKA Northanger Abbey).




Jenny Lawson and Me.

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A couple Fridays ago Jenny Lawson, author of The Bloggess, was in my town rather than hers. I was pro this occurrence since my desire to avoid Texas is greater than my desire to see the Bloggess in person. Lucky for me than that she was on a book tour promoting her sort-of-true memoir, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.

I made Kris go with me because I like having friends along to things. And it was good that I did because without her, an awesome thing never would have happened.

Jenny read a chapter from her book, admitted to having thrown up backstage, elicited much laughter and cooing, said “y’all” in her adorable accent several times, and looked overly warm. The bookstore’s reading space was small and we fans crammed in like just so many more human shaped books in rows exuding our accompanying odors and heats.

At the end there was a signing portion and it went by row. Kris and I were seated in the last row so we had some time to kill. In discussing what would happen when it was our turn, we completely foreshadowed the future.

Jenny: Hi?
Me: Mmph.
Jenny: Is that my calendar?!
Me: My book hasn’t come in the mail yet.
Jenny: That’s too bad.
Me: Yeah, so I thought maybe you could sign this instead?
Jenny: I’d love to! What name?
Me: …
Jenny: ?
Me: Garreth?
Jenny: …
Me: (?!?!)
Jenny: Okaaay.
Me: Thank you. Mpmh.
Jenny: Bye.

signed bloggess calendar

This story is only mostly true. I forgot the calendar at home and didn’t have anything for her to sign. I forged all that at home after Kris and I ran away from the sweltering bookstore. But it is true that I am terrified enough of talking to strangers that I probably would actually think my name is Garreth when questioned. It’s silly though considering how much social anxiety Jenny Lawson has that I would still be terrified. It’s also weird, I think, to meet a (in)famous blogger in person. You already kind of feel like you know her. You sort of think you’re best friends even though you don’t actually really know her at all. That’s one of the things I love most about her writing (blog and book), how warm and inclusive it feels. You really can think it’s a friend telling you a story. Even if that story is about hobos eating her pet duck (one of my favorite bits from the book. Typically I would be so horrified by animal cruelty but she made it funny. Terrible genius.)

On the drive home, Kris decided some guy in another car hated her driving as she kept getting confused by lanes. “Arch-nemesis!” she exclaimed. I was still stuck in lovely musings about how Jenny met her husband in a bookstore and he gave a corny pick-up line.

Me: This would be a funny story if I started dating him. How we met, speeding cars, arch-nemesy!
Kris: You’re going to date my ARCH-NEMESIS? Do you understand the concept of best friendship?
Me: No. And then we’d get married and you could give a toast and it would be so romantic.
Kris: I would not attend the wedding of my arch-nemesis, you fool.
Me: OMG! He’s already married! There’s a whore in the front seat.
Kris: I told you so. (nods knowingly)

And that’s how Kris and I made married arch-nemeses. The End.


Friends, old and new.

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At the last game night at Jacob and Lisa’s (10 days ago), I had this whole argument with Tami and Aaron beforehand in their bedroom. Where I was lying on the bed, Tami was bra-less and Aaron had man-stink. Let me explain because it’s not as dirty as you might think. Except for Aaron who was as dirty as you’re thinking.

After my internship ended for the day at 4pm, I was hanging out in Berkeley with nothing to do till 5:30 when I could go bug Lisa at pre-Game Night. But I got bored and so I went to Tami’s and knocked on the door till she opened it in pajamas and bullied my way in. Then we lay around on her bed chatting till Aaron got home (smelly) and he showered and then we went to play games. But first we argued about how I was competitive. With me saying I’m much less competitive now than I used to be and Aaron snorting with laughter at my protestations. Tami hid a smile and remained silent.

And they were proved right a few hours later when Tami thwarted me in the Blue Moon City game for the 3rd time in a row and I called her a “ho” with heat. Sigh. Competitive and truculent. I really need to work on these things.

Later, Tami got me back by calling me a ‘whore’ for no good reason. I mean, maybe there was a reason? I can’t even actually remember where we were when she called me that. It was either at Jon’s Burning Man party or at Fondue night. I do remember laughing very hard because it was kind of incongruous coming out of her mouth. Much like that time Kris and I were drunk on the back of Baby Albee yelling out “bird” to Adam on the second deck and she yelled out “bug!” Hilarious.

Also at the Burning Man party, showing off my whoredom (which I’m not), I pointed out all the people I knew to Christine who had demanded as “an old married lady” to know “all the gossip about us single people”. And I knew a surprising amount of people at this party really. And gossip about them. But then she got upset and claimed that it’s weird me knowing all these people she doesn’t know and she doesn’t like it. Not like she’s actually against it but she was more like, “When did this happen?” This came about because I was talking to Tim and Ally for a while and she came up to stand by me so I introduced them but then the whole conversation was about me complimenting Ally’s new haircut and Tim berating me for not noticing he shaved off his goatee and the last movie the three of us saw together and the movie Tim’s making. So we went back to our table and friends and Christine was all accusingly, “You’re friends with them!” And I don’t know if that’s really true especially since I don’t know if she spells it Ally or Allie but I guess maybe we’re friends? I think we are. And it is weird. I mean, this weekend, I kicked Rob in the thigh until he said ‘hi’ to Tim for me over the phone and then Ally said ‘hi’ to me thru Tim thru Rob. And then I chortled gleefully and possibly kicked Rob in the thigh again for fun. And you know what, that is weird. Or normal? I don’t know. I know I like it.

But just last night Jason too was like, “Where have all these new people come from? All of a sudden there’s these people. I don’t like it.” But it’s not like it happened overnight. It’s been a year since we started hanging out with all of them. But I guess it’s been 21, 14, and 10 years for most of the rest of us. Our last new person was possibly Lisa, right? In 2007. It’s probably time for some new friends. And they are fun. What with all the calling me a whore and letting me kick them. Good times.

Friends, old and new.

More pictures from the Burning Man party (and also Int’l Highland Games Fest) here.

Oh wow, it’s Ale. Which is totally different than both Ally and Allie. Maybe we’re not friends.


Post Crossing

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Kristen sent me a link to Post Crossing last week and though my initial response was terror about what I would write and what they would write and what would happen (fear of the unknown is strong in me); I did of course immediately sign up and demand 5 addresses.

What Post Crossing is, see, is a postcard exchange. You can have up to 5 postcards out at any given time. You cannot request another address until one of your postcards has arrived at its destination and the recipient has entered your ID number on their end. As soon as one of yours has arrived, your address will go in the queue for someone else to request. And then you will get mail. Glorious mail! You know how I feel about mail, people.

So I sent out my first five missives last Friday and am now eagerly awaiting arrival and subsequent post being sent back to me. Because this entire process is so fascinating to me and because I have a lot of time on my hands, I decided to photo-document it on Flickr. So I took pictures of the fronts and backs of each of my postcards so far and will do the same for all future ones as well as those that I receive. I will be sending and receiving at least 20 in this experiment because that is how many international stamps I bought. Considering that they cost $0.98 each, 20 might be my limit.

So far I’ve sent postcards to Canada, Russia, Germany, Japan, and China.

That’s Japanese for “Happy Birthday”.


Birthday List


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Top 10 Reasons Gene’s Birthday is Great.

10. He turned another year older which Kristen is grateful for because apparently being the same age freaks her out.

9. He’s older than me now also and I can mock him for a good 2 and a half months until I too turn 31.

8. Beer.

7. Adam got drunk enough day of to blearily agree to drive me to festivities on day 2.

6. Beer (I did have 2, it counts twice)

5. Beatles Rock Band in 3 part harmony

4. Spatzle

3. Apple Struedel

2. Pictures

1. New Moon came out!! Go Go, Team Jacob!

Happy Birthday, Gene!


One Week In


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It’s the seventh day of NaNo. On the 7th day in the Bible, God rested. But not me! I NaNo’d.

It’s going pretty well so far. I’ve maintained my one chapter/approx 2,000 words a day plan. Frankly I’m kind of impressed with myself. Which, you know, is why I’m sacrilegiously comparing myself to God.

A lot of time this week was spent trying to convince Kris that we should pull an all-nighter write-in at a hotel. Nuala! Get us a hotel room with a view! We could order room service and write. And maybe take a bubble bath and sleep on a heavenly hotel bed. I do not know why I am so obsessed with hotel rooms lately. But I wish someone would oblige my desires.

Current Word Count: 16,043

P.S. Happy 30th Birthday, Jason! 7th day of the month: Jason and Josh were born. And then God rested.


Napa Weekend: Story #2


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On Kristen’s birthday morning I paced back and forth in front of the glass door leading to her and Gene’s sun-porch bedroom working up the guts to walk inside. I am a Nervous Nelly, ever unsure of my welcome–especially in the wee hours. But of course I was graciously accepted as I came bearing gifts.

My present this year for Kris was a hand-made ticket redeemable for admission to “New Moon” at a place and time of her choosing. Which, let me tell you, is a concession for me since it means I probably won’t get to see it the day it comes out. But considering that it’s her 30th Birthday and I couldn’t buy something actually expensive or nice or join her on a trip to Vegas, it was really the least I could do. Plus my ticket had a picture of Edward and Bella as Barbie dolls on the front. You can buy them as Barbies. BARBIES. So ridiculous.

And then the STRETCH. YELLOW. HUMMER. arrived. To grant you a good visual of how awful this looks, please see the below evidence of our trip.

I highly recommend going to look at a bigger version of the picture to get a gander at some of the priceless facial expressions. Erica’s in particular. Though Kim is probably flashing the middle finger behind her back too. And Kristen on the end looks like a model.

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