Categotry Archives: General

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Obviously. Duh.

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My cousin John called this morning to say he was done making my bow and would mail it this week. I was then telling my mom about it.

Me: So I’m going to need some kind of target for the backyard.

Mom: Like a hay bale?

Me: Well, but a hay bale is short. What am I practicing for there? Bunnies? I’m not going to be shooting bunnies.

Mom: …What are you going to be shooting?

Me: People. Obviously. Duh.

Mom: …

Me: You know, in the apocalypse when there’s zombies. Or people trying to steal my stuff*.

Mom: I don’t think your arrows are going to be much good against zombies.

Me: Of course they are. I just have to get really good and nail it in the eye so it reaches the brain.

Mom: …

Me: This is common sense, Mom.

Mom: You’ve put too much thought into this.

Me: Sheesh. Obviously someone has to.

* People stealing my stuff is a real fear.

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Wherein I, like Conan, long to hear the Lamentations Of The Women

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Today I got to be one of the top authors in the field of Television Commons for my Japanese Animation Senior Honors Thesis from the University of Puget Sound. You remember, THAT OLD THING. While IM’ing with a co-worker about other sundry things (primarily creepy stalking tendencies and the impulse to drill holes in things but really he’d just been asking if I wanted to come watch a training session), this lofty status of mine as a TOP AUTHOR was brought to life in new ways. Mostly depraved ways where I started a mighty war with the folks over in Film Commons. They’re going DOWN; I’ll cut a bitch.

Michele: staring at the wall takes up a lot of my time, you know.
but thanks for inviting me.
i like observing things.
(even walls).

Dave: well, I’m a theatre kid, so I like being observed
(even when I’m not actually doing anything)

Michele: i will drill a hole in my wall and then in paul’s wall and then in your wall
so i can observe you all the time
surreptitiously
wow that’s not creepy at all

Dave: that…doesn’t sound creepy at all
haha

Michele: i have a lot of creepy thoughts about drilling holes in walls to work through with a therapist. APPARENTLY.
first step: FIND A THERAPIST.
second step: HIDE MY DRILL

Dave: third step: FAME AND FORTUNE!!!

Michele: fourth step: NEVER LOOK BACK.
yes. this is a good plan.

Dave: fifth step: CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES
now it’s a perfect plan

Michele: my enemies being all those people who tried to take my drill and/or filled in the holes i drilled? yes. they deserve ABJECT CRUSHING.

Dave: http://ultimateconanfan.blogspot.com/2009/09/what-is-best-in-liferobot-chicken.html

Michele: i better start working out to be in shape for crushing my enemies. also i better make some enemies. or a nemesis. NEMESIS.

Dave: nemeses?
nemesissies?

Michele: nemesissies. DEFINITELY.
for they will cry for their mommies and wet their pants
when i show up to CRUSH THEM.

Dave: working out is overrated, get yourself a giant fighting robo-ma-jig

Michele: sure. i’ll get right on constructing that. over here i have some push pins, paper clips, and a leafy plant to work with. what do you have to contribute?

Dave: ummm, I’ve got some sustainable tissues, an empty water cup, and a pair of chopsticks

Michele: USED chopsticks?

Dave: no, fresh-in-the-packaging chopsticks!

Michele: i can work with this.

Dave: http://images.cryhavok.org/d/11335-1/Dresden+Codak+-+I+Will+Do+Science.jpg

Michele: SCIENCE.
also, nemesis the goddess has “adamantine bridles” that restrain “the frivolous insolences of mortals.” according to wikipedia. nice.

Dave: yeah, there’s nothing wrong with that

Michele: i might have to science myself up some bridles to use on those insolent mortals in Film Commons. they think they’re better than us in Television Commons? THINK AGAIN, NEMESISSIES.

Dave: this might be one of my favorite conversations ever

Michele: you should save it for posterity when i’m famous. and/or when i get put in jail for trying to put bridles on unsuspecting academics.

Dave: either way you’d be famous

Michele: PRECISELY.

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So New, So Fabu

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I spend a lot of time IM’ing with Paul Ryan the Third at work. Below is a small example of this.

Sent at 4:30 PM on Thursday

Michele: what’s that purple pumpkin on your desk have in it?
why am i asking?!?!

Paul: boogers

Michele: i do not want any!
oh good
i really don’t want any

Paul: it’s not actually boogers

Michele: well but you need a place to store those
for later snacking
have you seen this ticket: ?
[Note: we get support tickets from people accessing sites we manage and this one was from some dude and the only text was “I’m new here.” And his name.]
he’s new here.

Paul: ha ha

Michele: i like his succinct attitude and brevity of manner.

Paul: hi, greg. what are your hobbies?

Michele: my hobbies are putting new sheets on the bed, opening a new box of kleenex, and smelling that new car smell.
the man knows what he likes. and he likes what he knows–ie being new.

[Note: heard Paul stifling laughter across the room.]

Sent at 4:41 PM on Thursday

Paul: cool, greg! those are great hobbies. Do you ever publish serious academic papers in obscure fields?

Michele: i sure do!
new age theory and cross-cultural explorations
that’s one
and New-merical Maths.
that’s the other.

Paul: that’s super, Greg. I have several journals that would be just perfect for you and I’d be happy to submit your wacky discipline to our list of disciplines and, with a little luck, it could be approved in our next quarterly release

Michele: New-riffic!

This is maybe more hilarious if you spend all day at our job like we do.

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Peach me, I’m peaching

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Once upon a time (last summer) I bought a peach tree and planted it in the front yard.

Look how tiny it was once upon a time!

I watered it and fed it and picked off all its leaves when it got peach leaf curl. And eventually it grew taller than me!

And then it started growing peaches.

Now, all of a sudden, long before I was expecting it, those peaches are ripe. One fell off the tree this morning so I thought I would try eating it (because, yes, I normally just pick food up off the ground and put it in my mouth. I washed it first. With the hose.) It was perfect. And so were all of these.

Princess Beef is sad that she’s not allowed to eat any. I’ll rub the soft, fuzzy skin on her face so she’s doubly jealous. Someday, PB. Maybe next year.

There’s even still some on the tree that didn’t seem quite as ripe. Oh peach bounty, you have graced me.

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First World Problems

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For the first time in years–or at least as long as I can currently remember–I have no library books in the house looming over my head with their due dates, forcing me to read them before I can do anything else. This is incredible. I thought if this day ever came–Honestly, yes, I HAVE dreamed of it–I would do so many things. I would immediately read all the books on the to-be-read shelf, I would party and see people I never get to see because instead I have to be at home reading library books, I would watch movies until I was ill. Yes! I had all these plans!

Instead I just checked my library holds to see when new books would arrive. There’s only one “in transit” and I’m still 56 in line (which is an improvement on the 350 I started out as) for Fifty Shades of Grey.

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Fiery World

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At the beginning of the month I took advantage of the free day for museums in SF (first Tuesday of every month) and went to the see The Cult of Beauty exhibit at the Legion of Honor.

It was not as awesome as I was hoping it would be as there was less paintings and more interior decorating but there were still some amazing pieces that I’m glad I got to see. In particular this one:

Midsummer by Albert Moore

Which reminds me of this one (which wasn’t there even though many other Frederic Leighton ones were):

Flaming June by Frederic Leighton

These images paired along with all the interior design elements made me long to paint a room orange. Orange! Glowing, gorgeous, gaudy.

“Beauty reveals everything, because it expresses nothing.
When it shows itself, it shows us the whole fiery colored world.”
-Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Art (1890)

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Monkey Hair

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Categories: General

This weekend I went to get my hair all cut off and I was describing to Melinda (my stylist for over 20 years, 25 maybe?) how much I hate my thick hair when it’s long and turns in to a rat’s nest.

Melinda: Have you ever seen an actual rat’s nest?
Me: I have! With a dead rat in the middle of it. It was just like my hair.
Melinda: Really?
Me: No, not really at all. But it’s all thick and gets tangled up in the back and is awful.
Melinda: Does it really?
Me: Well no one else notices it but I do and I hate it. Also, why are you defending my hair so much?
Melinda: It is really thick. Monkey thick.
Me: Right. There’s just so much of it and it drives me crazy and…
Melinda: (giggling)
Me: Wait. Did you just say ‘monkey thick’?
Melinda: YES!
Me: (giggling) What does that even mean?
Melinda: Monkey’s aren’t thick.
Me: Thick as thieves?
Melinda: Thieving bananas?
Me: This makes NO sense.
Melinda: I don’t know why I said it!
Me: I do say ‘crap monkeys’ a lot. But that makes sort of sense. Monkeys do throw feces at you.
Melinda: Thick as Monkey Crap!
Me: I wouldn’t go that far, woman. My hair isn’t crap.
Melinda: No, it’s just monkey thick.

This post, I am suddenly realizing, should have a picture. Possibly a picture of me with either a monkey, a dead rat, or feces on my head. You get none of those things. Not even a cute one of my new haircut.

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