Categotry Archives: General


Suck on that, Pinocchio


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On Monday, I let my freak flag fly and attended a Shadowrun RPG.

A role playing game, yes! I haven’t played a role-playing game since I was maybe 14 and in Oregon at my grandparent’s house. Let me set the scene for you. Earlier in the day, we went crawdad’ing in the crick. My aunt by marriage’s nephew was there and he threw a crawdad at a tree and bashed its brains out. I decided I hated him. Back at Grandpa’s, me, my cousins John and James and this jerkwad sat around the pool table playing some D&D. Jerkwad kept trying to tie me up with rope in the game. It was a toss up between being flattered or disgusted. I erred on the side of horror. I could still see the poor crawdad. I mean, I can still see the poor thing. This story has hit a low note. Ok, the point is that I last did a RPG many many years ago. I’m not telling you how many. And everyone involved was 16 or younger so we weren’t super great at it. My review of this experience was, “Meh. Gross boys wanting to tie me up. Won’t be doing that again.” But then a couple months ago, Jacob was looking for people to join a game and I thought, “I might not mind some rope burns…”

We spent many hours making characters. More hours than I would have thought possible. At the end of all these hours, I had created an alter-ego. Let me tell you about her! She’s 32, her name is Emmy, and she’s a metahuman Troll Physical Adept. Seven feet tall, +1 reach, dermal body armor, thermographic vision. Let’s be clear here, she KICKS ASS. She’s crazy powerful and I expended a lot of points buying agility and stealth skills so she’s also flexible unlike a normal troll. My backstory is that she grew up in a circus with a famous trapeze artist mother and martial arts father. Best of both worlds.

I had some favorite moments from the first day in the campaign. The first part happened in San Francisco and we were kind of wandering around trying to figure some things out. And mostly just mocking ourselves and each other.

So, favorites quotes from that:

Alfred (Aaron): Do you want to go sailing?

(Alfred lives on a yacht at the yacht club and dresses like a preppie golf aficionado in Burberry. Sailing is now a running joke. Evidence again when I changed our audio aid from the bumping club mix for classical Vivaldi when we moved to the yacht.)

Smoky (Ivan): I don’t think the library is open.

(Mocking Gene’s desire to go use the internet at the public library at midnight because none of us had a smartphone)

Rusty (Gene): This community college is *awesome*.

(A comment directed at Smoky’s awesome dice rolling to achieve internet searches, which, you know, he learned at CC).

Next we were planning an attack:

Scott (Adam): Let’s send our troll thing down.

Me: Thing?!?

Smoky: Watch out. You’ll hurt its feelings.

Me: IT?!?!

We were in a fight where I threw a hick bandit at two other bandits and killed all three of them (and caused two of their heads to explode into fine mist). Aaron had been planning on doing some magic against the foes, instead:

Alfred: I change my action to a slow golf clap.

Gene shoots a 20 foot bear with a loaded cannon.

Me: Would there be treasure in the bear if I ripped it open and searched?

GM (Jacob): You really want loot, don’t you?

Me: Shiny things are my favorite!

Then we got attacked by some half-man, half-ant/centipede things and I jumped off the roof of a building on to one, putting my knee through its back and my fist through it’s skull. I made that bitch my hand-puppet. Suck on that, Pinocchio.



Su Casa Es Mi Casa


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The thing is that I’ve been house-sitting so much that I’ve kind of reached the point where I enter someone else’s home and just make myself completely at ease immediately. Case in point, I stayed with Marina in San Diego when I was there last week. I arrived around 7pm on a Thursday and Marina was still at work. She’d left me a key and so I busted in to the beach shack, dragging in my suitcase (packed with like 10 dresses for a fashion show), a box full of 8 pairs of shoes, misc grocery bags full of stuff, my laptop case, my mini cooler, my leftover McDonald’s food, and my purse. I was loaded down, people. Having strewn things all over the house, I took a shower. Yes. I took a shower in a house I had just broken in to. And then I went through all the kitchen cupboards and drawers until I found a bottle opener and a dish to microwave broccoli in.

Yes. I brought my own broccoli. A new CSA box had just come! Shut up.

Also my own wine–six bottles. By the time Marina came home, I was on the couch watching “So You Think You Can Dance”, with broccoli and Chicken Nuggets in front of me, wet hair, painting my toenails on her table, and slightly drunk.

It was awesome. You should have seen her face. Also you should have seen the super shitty job I did on my nails. Don’t paint toenails drunk after driving for 9 hours when everything is still vaguely vibrating.

A few days later she took me shopping to this awesome mall by her house which rents out space to crafty people and has 101 different mini little section/stores in it. I spent way too much money. I wanted to spend so much more. There were so many fabulous things!

Like hats.


Cabana Boys and Shotgun Weddings

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As some of you know, I recently went to San Diego for a wedding. I also made it down there in time for the bachelorette party which was at an all day hot springs. Let me now relate to you the most awesome thing about hot springs:

Cabana Boys.

Yes. Boys that do your every bidding. Who come and go with food and towels. Who escort you to appointments. Who offer a never-ending supply of champagne! Cabana Boys! My favorite was Marcus, but Jeff had the bleached tips in his hair, and Alex was adorable (but not as good at bringing the champagne on demand).

So on the drive to the hot springs, Kim (Jenny’s sister and maid-of-honor) told us we would have cabana boys. The back seat went silent.

Laura: Cabana boys?

Kim: We have our own private cabana and deck. They’ll be around doing things for us.

Francie: What will they do for us, exactly?

Kim: Bring us things. Take us to our massages. You know, those kinds of things.

Jenny: Apply our sunscreen?

Kim: Sure.

Francie: That might be awkward.

Michele: I don’t see how.

Francie: Well, I’m married!

Michele: So? It’s a cabana boy. His job is your pleasure!

Jenny: Will they peel grapes for us? *

Laura: And give us foot massages?

Francie: I do like foot massages.

Michele: I bet they’ll even suck on your toes. If you ask.


Michele: Too awkward?

* Later, Sue (Jenny’s mom) demanded they peel grapes for her. Kim, in embarrassment, grumbled that this was why she wasn’t originally on the cabana invite list.

My other favorite thing about the hot spring was the mud pool bath thing. You climb in and the hot springs sulfur water opens your pores, then you slather mud over your entire body and lie out on chaise lounges while it dries. And then you make faces at yourself in the full length mirrors they have set up all over and rub it off for exfoliation purposes. It flakes off in chunks and you’re surrounded in a cloud of dust just like Pig Pen! It was incredible and felt awesome. Mud! Who knew, right? Well, lots of people. But not me until now.

On Sunday I went to the wedding. It was lovely and joyous and all those things weddings are. It was also horrendously awkward for me as I knew no one except the bride’s family and the bridesmaids from the bachelorette party. All of whom were obviously busy for the first bit. Lesson learned: Never go to a wedding by yourself where you know no one.

Eventually though the bridesmaids were done with duties and I hung out with them. Francie and I expended a lot of effort and made friends with the waiters in order to get the peanut butter cup cheesecake (as opposed to the plain, the raspberry, the creme brulee, or the bailey’s). It was the third one cut in to. We had two pieces each. The wait staff found us hilarious as they would offer us the first slice of each cake and we would peer at it uncertainly to ascertain the lack of peanut butter and then wave it off to some poor sod who didn’t know what they’d be missing.

Francie (and her husband Alex) and the PB cup cake.

Later, I sauntered off nonchalantly to sit by my latest crush, Lori. Seriously she looks like Mellie from Dollhouse. Gorgeous. And hilarious. Totally fast with the witticisms. And interesting–she was in the Navy for 6 years and chased down pirates on the high seas! Really!

So we’re sitting there chatting and Jenny makes an announcement about the bouquet toss.

Lori: I hate the bouquet toss. Single ladies! Identify yourselves! Come up so we can throw things at you! Shame on you!

Michele: I hate it too. **

Lori: We should get married.

Michele: I have rings!

I give her one of my stackable paste diamonds.

Lori: So I see I’m the generous one in this marriage. You have two and I only have one!

Michele: Let’s not fight already. We should still be honey-mooning.

Jenny: Come on you two! It’s bouquet toss time.

Lori and Michele: So sorry! We’re married now.

Jenny: Bitches.

After the bouquet toss, Lori gives me back my ring.

Lori: I guess this is it. Our whirlwind romance ends in annulment.

Michele: It was fun while it lasted.

Lori: It’s not you, it’s me.

Michele: I’m pretty sure it’s my genitalia.

Lori: I do like the hot dog more than the taco.

** Um. She made me kind of tongue tied. Sadly not in more ways than one. Hoo!

Me and my new wife. Now ex-wife.

More photos from the wedding here.


The Thing About Bunnies

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Is that they are a problem for me, emotionally.

1. I love bunnies.

2. I do not love dead bunnies.

Number one has randomly come to pass in that an albino bunny has moved in to the back yard. I don’t know where she came from but she spends a good portion of every day eating the grass (and whatever other items one may or may not put out on the deck including carrots, a raspberry from my bush, and bok choy. I want it noted that I am against the giving away of my bok choy. I love bok choy. The bunny can subsist on carrot tops and grass for all I care. Stupid mother.)

It should also be noted that I followed her around the backyard throwing the raspberry at her for a good six minutes before it hit her in the ass and bounced off and she finally deigned to notice it. She liked it though. I could tell.

Number two is bound to happen eventually though is the problem, see. I live in a house with three outdoor cats maddeningly ravenous for killing defenseless animals. Along with at least two feral cats who come by every once in a while and who knows how many raccoons. Raccoons might kill rabbits, I don’t know. There was one on top of the pool table just last night when I went out for my laundry. Frakkin’ coons.

Frankly, I’m surprised this bunny has lasted so long. She’s been coming by every day for over two weeks now. I remember because the first day was when I was seeing Priest with Rob and my mom called to shriek at me about a bunny and I had to be all, “Dude, I thought it was important. I’m in a movie!” And hang up on her. Little did I know then how I would come to be emotionally invested in the whole bunny drama.

Now, every time I walk out to the kitchen and the bunny is hopping around outside the sliding glass door, I’m like, “Bunny!” and rush to plaster my front against the window and stare raptly at the albino creature. Fish sits next to me begging to be allowed out to chase the hoppy thing. I refuse him. Then I go out and chase it around with raspberries flung at the ass.

Please don’t die, bunny. Let’s be friends. You are very dirty today because it’s been pouring and everything is muddy. I could dry you off and clean you up and find more carrot tops for you. Friends, bunny!

Ok, also while I have you here talking about my backyard and bunnies. Look at this second photo which along with hare has some tomato plants.

Compare that with when I first planted the tomatoes back in April.

They were so tiny back then! Now they’re all way over the top of their wire cage things and insanely bursting out all over the place. Tomatoes, man. Maybe I have a green thumb! (Hint: I probably don’t.)


Next Weekend, Staid.

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Though I’m enjoying these insanely awesome weekends, I think I might need next weekend to be kind of staid. You know, for recovery. And because I’m house-sitting. Speaking of which, POOL PARTY!

This weekend consisted of a game night and a tea party. Both events = awesome. Both events also = photo ops.

How divine is everything about this picture? I mean, I look like one of the ladies from Gray Gardens. I don’t think that’s something I actually want to look like, but I am enjoying the mental image all the same.

Having a Finer Things Club (yes, our tea is snotty) without Nuala is depressing. This was our first go of it. I have to say though much as I missed Nuala it turns out I missed the little sandwiches more. So good. I want more little sandwiches in my life. Also more Nuala. But I will accept little sandwiches until she’s back where she belongs in this empty space.

Being tickled as she properly ought.

The Game Night was also hilarious (and also at Kristen’s). Mostly I loved it for the new game Erica taught us. She showed up in a gorgeous flowered gown and said, “Let’s play this.” And we all said, “We bow to your experience.” Yes, it happened just like that. Just like, I’m telling you.

Erica’s game involved paper, pens, and cliches. It was a cross between Pictionary and Telephone. I liked best how much hilarity it engendered.

Also how it gave us the new catch phrase, “Up my ass and down the hatch”, and really just everything about the completed products. I took pictures of our efforts from the first round. I was too tired after the second. Takes a lot out of you, that much laughing.

You can see pictures from Game Night here. And more pictures from the Tea Party here.


The Fuzz and the Glory

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So my weekend was pretty exciting. First, I went to Kris’s house and disrobed in the living room and scandalized her with my bra. Second I wore a slip to an Easter brunch. This weekend was kind of about nudity. And our Lord. Mostly nudity and wine though.

The sad thing about the Bollywood dinner/movie event is that most of the photos are hella fuzzy. This is annoying. But they are also sooo hilarious, that I couldn’t bring myself to delete many of them.

It went from demure

to not demure

so quickly.

There was dancing

and weird posing

and more nudity

Basically what I took away from this event is

1. Imran Khan is hot, adorable, fabulous, and wets Katy’s panties.

2. Nudity is maybe ok?

3. Saris are awesome.

4. No, nudity is not ok.

Sub-clause: Nudity is totally OK if it’s Imran Khan’s.

There are more pictures here. There are also videos of creepy ear stroking but they are super dark and also not online at the moment.

And THEN, I went to an Easter Extravaganza today at Adam and Christine’s where there were 5 bottles of sweet bubbly to go with the incredible crepe brunch and then Easter basket hunting with scavenger clues and then more food and about 11 (?) bottles of white wine to try. And more food. And cupcakes. Christine kind of outdid herself with the cooking and Adam outdid himself with the wine. The weather mostly cooperated and I met the neighborhood cat. It was all in all excellent.

The wine tasting spread:

The beautiful day that it was:

The prettiness of my Alameda Vintage Fashion Faire slip and the cuteness which is Jax:

More pictures of Easter celebrations here.


Survival Michele!


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Let us all fully appreciate the awesomeness which is that photo….

Are you appreciating it? Is it not awesome?

Not only is my cat in a ATW Red Wagon Flyer but I have a rifle.

Ok, it’s just a BB gun. And I don’t even have any BBs. But sometimes we have to just look intimidating. Like when we’re protecting our cats and Red Wagon Flyers from the hordes of rampaging citizens who no longer respect personal property. Or lives. I’m just saying, I’m prepared to disrespect their lives if they try to touch my stuff.

Admittedly, I’m only going to be capable of beaning them in the head with the butt of my possibly plastic rifle.

So, let us move past my bloodthirsty violence to what this is all about. Basically, disaster hit Japan (and continues); I freaked out a “little” for about a week and did research ALL DAY one day on survival kits and what to have on hand in case of having to run for your lives, how long freeze dried food can last, camping stoves, etc, etc. Then I ordered many things. And when everything started arriving, I started assembling to-go bags for my mom and I (and 2 of the cats). If a disaster happens that doesn’t require us running away from home on foot, we will be soooo prepared. If we have to run away on foot, well we can take 2 cats and we have an all-terrain wagon to pull stuff in (before thinking to use Evan’s wagon I was going to buy an ATW CAT STROLLER. Oh yes. Cat stroller. It’s way too expensive but so awesome.)

Things which are in my kits:

  • 5 days worth of food (which will last 25 years)
  • towel
  • toilet paper
  • wet wipes
  • hand sanitizer
  • lotion
  • soap
  • camping stove
  • mini propane tanks
  • knives
  • saw
  • water disinfectant
  • feminine hygiene products (you never know if disaster will strike during that time of the month)
  • matches
  • crank flashlight (2–one with radio, one that looks like a cat)
  • emergency blankets (2)
  • emergency sleeping bag
  • kleenex
  • dust mask
  • underwater camera (to snap quick photos for insurance purposes of the house before fleeing)
  • toothbrush/toothpaste
  • spare glasses (it would suck to be blind at the end of the world)
  • razor
  • mini medical kits (band-aids, antibioctic cream, rolled bandage, pain-killers, latex gloves, Tums, cotton balls, bandage tape)
  • whet stone
  • water
  • oversize first aid kit from Sam’s Club
  • spare clothing (in mine) including poncho, socks, underwear, t-shirt

Things I still need for our bags:

  • mini sewing kits
  • quarters
  • emergency phone number sheet (of relatives and emergency personnel)
  • photo-copies of DLs, insurance cards, etc
  • maps (with designated meet-up spots)
  • more water
  • camping pot (have, is just in garage somewhere)
  • camping utensils (also have, again is in garage)
  • a gun, dammit mom
  • an easy out

In the cat bag:

  • cat food
  • cat food and water bowls
  • travel litter box and travel litter
  • cat treats

Still need for cats:

  • Cat vet info sheet
  • Prepared “Lost Cat” flyers
  • collar/leashes

If you want to offer suggestion for more things to add, feel free. This is a process. I feel I’ve made a good start but I know I could still use more things. And there’s more photos here of my kits. None as awesome as that above, but still some goodness happening.

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